1515 hours, 08,05,2004. under the ledge.
so arthur picked up a six foot piece of driftwood lodged under the ledge, and preceded to thump and wack the obstruction.
just then something fell of the obstruction and came crashing into the water! and then another! and then another! "you nonce arhur" shouted jules as came to the surface. "you've just killed three of members of the british boat race team" "oh damn, how was i supposed to know" replied arthur surfacing. "anyway lets get out of here" said jules pulling herself onto the bank. "look theres someone else on the boat" said arthur also scrambling ashore. "oh you nonce arthur, i do hope he's ok" said jules taking a look. "well i never its james cracknel" she said astonished. just then ellie came strolling down the path, "hiya" she said. "i was just taking a brisk walk, blimey!! its james cracknel, what the hell is he doing here? and in a unconcious state aswell by the looks of things" she said taking a "closer" look. "i'm afraid i smashed him in the face with a piece of wood" apologised arthur lighting a splif. "oh well never mind" said ellie throwing mr cracknel over her shoulder. "i'm sure i can sort him out" so off wandered ellie back to the house. "well i think we better tell joe all about this, and about steve coming" said jules. "yes i agree" said arthur drying his hair.
1600 hours, 08,05,2004. farmhouse.
joe was sitting in the lounge caressing "that" clown, and working out his accounts, when arthur and jules came running in!
"hey joe, we went to see steve and everyone, but steves not well" said jules. "yes and he's coming here, and jules reckons we can make him better with your special nozzle" added arthur. "and what else happened this afternoon arthur?" asked jules looking angry. "oh yeah and i killed a few ppl with a big piece of wood" said arthur quitely, and walking offf. "you did what!?" said joe throwing the clown off his lap. "well we couldn't get out from under the ledge, and we couldn't hold our breaths much longer, so i smaked the thing a few times with a big piece of wood.... well how was i supposed to know it was the olympic rowing team!!" he said indignant. "i agree with arthur" said onion walking in."how was he supposed to know" "ok ok, so was there any survivers?" asked joe in an important voice. "yes" said james cracknel limping through the french doors. "hi i'm james cracknel" he said.
"yes i saved him" said ellie following him into the lounge, "that nozzle gin is brilliant for cuts and bruises" and it tastes good too" added cracknel. so everyone was introduced to cracknel and there were many a joke cracked, and many a fell story told and lo the evening drew nigh to an end. when suddenly jules leaped up from the table. "thats it arthur, i'm sorry but i can't go out with murderer" "ok fine, but its only been five" said arthur, not quite sure what all the fuss was about. "five" said bidge. "i thought there was three" "oh yeah three thats right" said arthur shutting up quickly.
1400 hours, 10,05,2004. jeni's dinosaur barn.
so the days went by, cracknel told all his storys about boat racing, ellie tended to all his cuts and bruises. and more nozzle gin was applied. it happpened that the boat race team were training for the olympics in zambia, because the britsih board of sport funding were very tight arsed and it was cheap to stay in zambia. anyway jeni and jess were moistening jeni's dinosaur. "this dinosaur is so cool" said jess spraying with a hoze. "it is rather wicked isn't it" said jeni. "if only it was alive like terrence was, i miss terrence" said jeni wiping away a tear. "oh well he may visit us again one day" said jess "but then again i think he was killed by the aliens" said jess feeling awkward. "sorry i guess that doesn't help" she said looking at the skeleton a bit closer. "but you know jeni, theres something rather sinister about this dinosaur" "mm maybe" said jeni moistening vigerously. "its almost as if its SELF AWARE" said luke harrowingly. "where'd you come from luke" said jeni. "you nearly scared me half to death creeping up on us like that" "sorry" said luke blending into the backround. "i do worry about that man" said jess.
1500 hours, 11,05,2004. farmhouse.
so came the day of the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers debut gig. and everyone was very excited. even dan was sort of looking forward to it! "well fatbob when can we start, and how long can we play for?" asked alion. "yes i want to play my new 11 minute acoustic melody" added pasty flicking through a "finest oboe's" order catologue. "whats that your reading pasty?" asked suzanne (who was featuring in one of their songs) "oh just a book on jimi hendrix" replied pasty cautiously. "fair enough" she said. " i'm quite looking forward playing my violin" "yes i'm sure you'll do spiffingly" said robyn warming up her eyebrows for fatbob. "well" said joe. "that the last of the gear. lets go"
Tuesday, 29 January 2002
Sunday, 13 January 2002
CHAPTER 13 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. PLANT OF MAGIC
0900 hours, 06,05,2004. farm lab.
"well i don't think i've ever seen anything like it in my life" said alion baffled. "no me too ali, i think we should disect one and see what comes up there" said robyn pondering herself. "yes i agree"said louise taking a skalpel. "right here go's" she said slicing at a nozzle stem. "now why won't that cut?" wandered louise. "are you sure you have a sharp knife?" asked alion. "yes its brand new" replied louise. "i'll try another one" decided robyn. but to no avail could any of them cut open any nozzles nor any stems.
"i think we should get joe in here" suggested alion lighting up with all the stress. so robyn went off to get joe and brought him straight back. "well i never" he said as he heard all their stories. "and this is the most amazing thing" said louise holding a huge nozzle about 5"s long and glowing bright. "well these must be some sort of magical seeds." he said wandering.
"i wander what all this is about" said debbie walking in, and putting her computer bag down on the side by the nozzles.
"hows the computing going debs?" asked robyn. "not bad i reackon i can get a pc that can practically do anything, within a few months anyway" she said. "i'm waiting for my next instalment of my course now anyway" "well we're going to carry on with some tests" said louise. "righteo" said joe. "yup we'll leave you to it" agreed debs trotting off down the path.
1330 hours, 06,05,2004. eating hall.
in the eating hall everyone was having lunch, when the doorbell rang loudly. "i'll get it" said jess strolling up to the door.
"hello and who may you be?" jess asked a strange man. "hi, is babe there? i miss ya babe. your big and your good and your a woman and i love you, its wednesday babe come home." "ok, bidge i think your husband wants a word" said jess quite disturbed by it all. "oh not again" said bidge sighing and coming to the door rather reluctantly. "hello barry what do you want now?" she asked impatiently. "i miss ya babe, i keep ringing but you never answer. why not babe your good and your a woman and your big and your good" "barry you went off with a camel when we'd been married 3 months. what do you expect?" bidge asked.
"but babe your good and your big and your a woman! and i miss ya babe" answered barry. "well seeya" said bidge closing the door. "what is it with that guy?" asked louise. "well some people are just anally challenged" replied bidge. "tea anyone?"
1430 hours, 08,05,2004. the mug and nonce.
"well i think its time me and arthur went to see those lovely fish people again" said jules pulling on a wetsuit. "good idea jules, i will be interested to hear your findings, and remember to ask after fondu" said joe playing with a clown and guzzling a beer all at once!
"joe! stop chatting up that clown" said debbie in disgust. "well sorry!! i'll just go and hug and kiss a poisoness snake an evil piosoness snake!!" "ok joe, breath in deep" said tom comfortingly. so when jules and arthur had rather too many beers to be scuba diving. off they went to see how steve the carp was. "well here go's" said arthur throwing himself in. so under the ledge they swam for about 200 yards (yes i work in imperial got a problem with that?) so out of the waterfall the other end they came. "well to the gates my anal friend" said jules grabbing art by the beard! "oy watch me rats bitch" said arthur. "evening fellow, may we come in?" asked jules. "why of course. give my regards to mondu if you see him" said fellow winding the gold ring.
"hey theres someone new" said arthur walking towards a very colourfull fish. "hello i'm arthur and this is my best friend jules" said arthur courteously. "best friend, i thought we were going out?" asked jules. "oh yeah ok" replied arthur. "anyway who are you good fish?" "hi my name is quindo. i'm a dash and dot goatfish" "very nice to meet you" said jules. "well shall i show you to steve he's not very well" said quindo. "oh right we beta then" said jules looking worried.
1515 hours, 08,05,2004. steves palace.
"greeting steve i hear you are not well?" asked arthur stepping forward. "ar great bearded one i pretail you are well?" asked steve coughing loudly. "i fear i may not live much longer" said steve, looking not very well atal. "what can we do to help?" asked arthur very concerned. "well i need something new and state of the art, or i'm a gonna" he replied. "i have an idea, said jules thinking hard. "we have a magical nozzle plant, that we know very little about but it may just be able to heal you, you never no" "well i'm willing to try anything" said steve. "when can you bring it?" he asked. "oh we can't bring it here, it wouldn't survive the trip through the water" said jules ernestly. "well i guess i will have to come to your land after all" sighed steve. "i'm rather scared but hey" he added. so arthur and jules bade their farewell. and went off through the gates of the garden and back into the waterfall.
but as they came up the other side with just enough air to get back, jules found something was blocking the way.
"don't worry" signalled arthur. i've got an idea"
"well i don't think i've ever seen anything like it in my life" said alion baffled. "no me too ali, i think we should disect one and see what comes up there" said robyn pondering herself. "yes i agree"said louise taking a skalpel. "right here go's" she said slicing at a nozzle stem. "now why won't that cut?" wandered louise. "are you sure you have a sharp knife?" asked alion. "yes its brand new" replied louise. "i'll try another one" decided robyn. but to no avail could any of them cut open any nozzles nor any stems.
"i think we should get joe in here" suggested alion lighting up with all the stress. so robyn went off to get joe and brought him straight back. "well i never" he said as he heard all their stories. "and this is the most amazing thing" said louise holding a huge nozzle about 5"s long and glowing bright. "well these must be some sort of magical seeds." he said wandering.
"i wander what all this is about" said debbie walking in, and putting her computer bag down on the side by the nozzles.
"hows the computing going debs?" asked robyn. "not bad i reackon i can get a pc that can practically do anything, within a few months anyway" she said. "i'm waiting for my next instalment of my course now anyway" "well we're going to carry on with some tests" said louise. "righteo" said joe. "yup we'll leave you to it" agreed debs trotting off down the path.
1330 hours, 06,05,2004. eating hall.
in the eating hall everyone was having lunch, when the doorbell rang loudly. "i'll get it" said jess strolling up to the door.
"hello and who may you be?" jess asked a strange man. "hi, is babe there? i miss ya babe. your big and your good and your a woman and i love you, its wednesday babe come home." "ok, bidge i think your husband wants a word" said jess quite disturbed by it all. "oh not again" said bidge sighing and coming to the door rather reluctantly. "hello barry what do you want now?" she asked impatiently. "i miss ya babe, i keep ringing but you never answer. why not babe your good and your a woman and your big and your good" "barry you went off with a camel when we'd been married 3 months. what do you expect?" bidge asked.
"but babe your good and your big and your a woman! and i miss ya babe" answered barry. "well seeya" said bidge closing the door. "what is it with that guy?" asked louise. "well some people are just anally challenged" replied bidge. "tea anyone?"
1430 hours, 08,05,2004. the mug and nonce.
"well i think its time me and arthur went to see those lovely fish people again" said jules pulling on a wetsuit. "good idea jules, i will be interested to hear your findings, and remember to ask after fondu" said joe playing with a clown and guzzling a beer all at once!
"joe! stop chatting up that clown" said debbie in disgust. "well sorry!! i'll just go and hug and kiss a poisoness snake an evil piosoness snake!!" "ok joe, breath in deep" said tom comfortingly. so when jules and arthur had rather too many beers to be scuba diving. off they went to see how steve the carp was. "well here go's" said arthur throwing himself in. so under the ledge they swam for about 200 yards (yes i work in imperial got a problem with that?) so out of the waterfall the other end they came. "well to the gates my anal friend" said jules grabbing art by the beard! "oy watch me rats bitch" said arthur. "evening fellow, may we come in?" asked jules. "why of course. give my regards to mondu if you see him" said fellow winding the gold ring.
"hey theres someone new" said arthur walking towards a very colourfull fish. "hello i'm arthur and this is my best friend jules" said arthur courteously. "best friend, i thought we were going out?" asked jules. "oh yeah ok" replied arthur. "anyway who are you good fish?" "hi my name is quindo. i'm a dash and dot goatfish" "very nice to meet you" said jules. "well shall i show you to steve he's not very well" said quindo. "oh right we beta then" said jules looking worried.
1515 hours, 08,05,2004. steves palace.
"greeting steve i hear you are not well?" asked arthur stepping forward. "ar great bearded one i pretail you are well?" asked steve coughing loudly. "i fear i may not live much longer" said steve, looking not very well atal. "what can we do to help?" asked arthur very concerned. "well i need something new and state of the art, or i'm a gonna" he replied. "i have an idea, said jules thinking hard. "we have a magical nozzle plant, that we know very little about but it may just be able to heal you, you never no" "well i'm willing to try anything" said steve. "when can you bring it?" he asked. "oh we can't bring it here, it wouldn't survive the trip through the water" said jules ernestly. "well i guess i will have to come to your land after all" sighed steve. "i'm rather scared but hey" he added. so arthur and jules bade their farewell. and went off through the gates of the garden and back into the waterfall.
but as they came up the other side with just enough air to get back, jules found something was blocking the way.
"don't worry" signalled arthur. i've got an idea"
Saturday, 12 January 2002
CHAPTER 12 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. THE DEPARTURE OF THE NICKS
0880 hours, 02,05,2004. breakfast room.
"well i'm afraid todays the day we leave" said mini nick while everyone was having breakfast. "oh what, no fair" said catharine.
"yes well those monkey brains won't get better on their own" said nick sniggering. "oh yes i forgot about that, its awful i do hope you get better" said catherine totally taken in."anyway" interupted joe in an important voice. today we will take another visit the fish people" "yes good idea" said jess practising darts in the corner. so everyone helped nick and mini nick to pack. on their sloths they climbed. "i don't remember you having those when you arrived" said sophie pondering. "well we first met you in the pub, we'd already put our sloths in the stable by then" replied nick, loading his rifle onto his sloth. "well adios" said mini nick charging off.
"yes its been a pleasure" said nick, maybe our paths will cross again" and that was that. "hope you have success with your brains" shouted catherine very concerned. and into the distance they went, over the brow of a hill and they were gone.
"well" said fatbob. "i don't know about you lot, but i'm having a kebab"
1400 hours, 02,05,2004. main interaction chamber (living room).
"yipee" yelped debbie. "whats that debs?" asked james slyly reading his "master the oboe" book. "my next computer course book has come through, its time i got really sorted with all this pc crap" "sounds cool" said anna, riding a unicycle, playing the piano and swallowing swords!!! "yeah and i've nearly finished my nozzle oils book, i hope we make enough profit to have it published" said bidge. "well at least we can spell check it all and publish on my pc if i can do this course" replied debbie, reading prefusly.
meanwhile pasty, fatbob, onion and alion were practising for their band. "well at least we can use the mug and nonce for our first performance" said pasty strumming away. "yes well i'll only charge a small fee" said fatbob. "you really should let us play for free bob, its your band aswell" said alion. "yes but its complicated, its the guvner what he says go's catch my drift?" said fatbob.
just then matt2 walked in, ar your in a band are you" he asked. "yeah you play then?" asked alion. "yes i play the guitar, rethym
or lead" he replied. "cool you wanna join us?" asked onion. "yeah why not" shrugged matt2. "i guess i won't ever see my other band members so why not" "but we need a band name" said onion worriedly. "well why not the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers" suggested fatbob. "sounds good to me" said pasty."right matt you'll play second lead"
so byork helped them all to promote their new album and single, the album named "indigestable biscuits and the way we are"
"excuse me" said byork one day. "what byork?" asked luke, "if that is your real name" "when can i go home?"
"naughty byork, in your bed on your rug" said energy drawing her whip. "hey thats my whip" said debbie engulfed in computer manuals.
1730 hours, 05,05,2004. main crop field.
so finally the big day came when the crop could be harvested. "well people this is it" said joe. "viki you and matt get the highland cattle to pull the carts. hope their in good order?" he asked looking at louise. "oh trust me their in peak condition" she replied.
so everyone sorted themselves into two groups. pickers and packers. while bidge picked the cream of the crop for her oils.
and ellie gathered some for her latest inervation, nozzle gin! "remember people look out for the special seeds i planted, they were somewhere in the northeast corner" said joe in an important voice. so after a few hours when nearly half the nozles had been picked. a cry came out from the northeast corner. "hey joe, i think i found your seeds!" shouted sophie and catherine both at once.
"right lets have a look" said joe running over, "oh dear" said fatbob huffing anf puffing behind him. "i could of played for QPR suz" he said coughing flem left right and center. "right what have we here?" asked joe in an important voice.
"right there in the corner near the oak trees, was a marvelous nozzle plant glowing like the moon silver drops of lightmost magical.
"wow" said ellie running up, "imagaine the gin i could make with that" "hang people" said tom, "this needs to be thought about, right joe?" "quite right tom my good man." said joe itching his beard. (which after 3 months was now nearly an inch long!)
"well lets get some of these nozzles picked and to the lab"
"well i'm afraid todays the day we leave" said mini nick while everyone was having breakfast. "oh what, no fair" said catharine.
"yes well those monkey brains won't get better on their own" said nick sniggering. "oh yes i forgot about that, its awful i do hope you get better" said catherine totally taken in."anyway" interupted joe in an important voice. today we will take another visit the fish people" "yes good idea" said jess practising darts in the corner. so everyone helped nick and mini nick to pack. on their sloths they climbed. "i don't remember you having those when you arrived" said sophie pondering. "well we first met you in the pub, we'd already put our sloths in the stable by then" replied nick, loading his rifle onto his sloth. "well adios" said mini nick charging off.
"yes its been a pleasure" said nick, maybe our paths will cross again" and that was that. "hope you have success with your brains" shouted catherine very concerned. and into the distance they went, over the brow of a hill and they were gone.
"well" said fatbob. "i don't know about you lot, but i'm having a kebab"
1400 hours, 02,05,2004. main interaction chamber (living room).
"yipee" yelped debbie. "whats that debs?" asked james slyly reading his "master the oboe" book. "my next computer course book has come through, its time i got really sorted with all this pc crap" "sounds cool" said anna, riding a unicycle, playing the piano and swallowing swords!!! "yeah and i've nearly finished my nozzle oils book, i hope we make enough profit to have it published" said bidge. "well at least we can spell check it all and publish on my pc if i can do this course" replied debbie, reading prefusly.
meanwhile pasty, fatbob, onion and alion were practising for their band. "well at least we can use the mug and nonce for our first performance" said pasty strumming away. "yes well i'll only charge a small fee" said fatbob. "you really should let us play for free bob, its your band aswell" said alion. "yes but its complicated, its the guvner what he says go's catch my drift?" said fatbob.
just then matt2 walked in, ar your in a band are you" he asked. "yeah you play then?" asked alion. "yes i play the guitar, rethym
or lead" he replied. "cool you wanna join us?" asked onion. "yeah why not" shrugged matt2. "i guess i won't ever see my other band members so why not" "but we need a band name" said onion worriedly. "well why not the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers" suggested fatbob. "sounds good to me" said pasty."right matt you'll play second lead"
so byork helped them all to promote their new album and single, the album named "indigestable biscuits and the way we are"
"excuse me" said byork one day. "what byork?" asked luke, "if that is your real name" "when can i go home?"
"naughty byork, in your bed on your rug" said energy drawing her whip. "hey thats my whip" said debbie engulfed in computer manuals.
1730 hours, 05,05,2004. main crop field.
so finally the big day came when the crop could be harvested. "well people this is it" said joe. "viki you and matt get the highland cattle to pull the carts. hope their in good order?" he asked looking at louise. "oh trust me their in peak condition" she replied.
so everyone sorted themselves into two groups. pickers and packers. while bidge picked the cream of the crop for her oils.
and ellie gathered some for her latest inervation, nozzle gin! "remember people look out for the special seeds i planted, they were somewhere in the northeast corner" said joe in an important voice. so after a few hours when nearly half the nozles had been picked. a cry came out from the northeast corner. "hey joe, i think i found your seeds!" shouted sophie and catherine both at once.
"right lets have a look" said joe running over, "oh dear" said fatbob huffing anf puffing behind him. "i could of played for QPR suz" he said coughing flem left right and center. "right what have we here?" asked joe in an important voice.
"right there in the corner near the oak trees, was a marvelous nozzle plant glowing like the moon silver drops of lightmost magical.
"wow" said ellie running up, "imagaine the gin i could make with that" "hang people" said tom, "this needs to be thought about, right joe?" "quite right tom my good man." said joe itching his beard. (which after 3 months was now nearly an inch long!)
"well lets get some of these nozzles picked and to the lab"
Friday, 11 January 2002
CHAPTER 11 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. A STRANGE FINDING
1400 hours, 25,04,2004. alions room.
"i was riding home from my band practice, i've got a band with a few mates called eastern walking boots. when all of a sudden there was a huge rush of air all around me, i couldn't see anything, but then a bright light, brighter than anything i've ever seen,
shone out of, well i don't know where really, it was just everywhere. and then i felt a huge thud on my back". matt paused, seemingly thinking hard. "well that was last month, some time on a tuesday evening i think, in hoddesdon. anyway then i woke up at some point and then all i remember was being wrapped up in clingfilm and having those nasty nipple clamps put on me, and being handed this" matt preduced a small glowing ball about tthe size of a golf ball from his pocket. "what is is?" asked suz.
"i don't no some voice somewhere said it was for a leader" replied matt, as puzzled as everyone else.
"well i think he must be talking about me" said nick stepping forward. "i think he was talking about joe, nick" said debbie.
"yes i think so" said joe scratching his arse. "what to do what to do" he said pondering. "well i think we should, cain!!!! it!" said dan wisely. "i agree totally" said bigmore. "well i think we should all go down the pub" said louise eager to get some sponsership for her own convent!
0100 hours, 26,04,2004. joes and debbies room.
so when everyone had been to the pub and played the quiz and fatbob had charged £8.50 per game of pool. everyone had decided to go home and get some sleep. except fatbob, who stayed up watching latvian premiership football till 3 in the morning.
"well i better have a look at this" said joe to himself while getting ready for bed. he got the little glowing ball out of the drawer by his bed. it had little tiny symbols all round what appeared to be a seam of some kind. "lets have a look" said debs jumping out of bed.
"ar its malagasey i think" she said taking a closer look. "yes it says, "the seeds of wrath, and many growths"
just then, the ball split right open revealing a small amount of what appeared to be nozzle seeds.
"well i'll be" said susie climbing out form under the bed. "what are you doing under there?" asked joe dumbfounded.
"i was looking for erm, beetles!" "susie! don't spy on us, especially joe when hes doing leadership type stuff" said debbie,
quite cross. "but the cute little beetles!! aarr their sooo sweet" she added squinting hard. "yes debbie dear".
said joe, patting her hard. "anyway lets get to sleep"
1000 hours , 01,05,2004. the river zambia.
emily was taking a walk with carlos one morning. joe had decided in the end to plant the seeds and wait to see what would happen. so as emily strolled by the river hand in hand with carlos. emily suddenly stopped, to look at something.
"what is it em?" asked carlos. "look, down there a another ledge just like the one we saw back in tollyhot".
"well i never" said carlos taking a closer look. "i think we should go tell joe" he said heading back. joe was sitting by the fire, working out when exactly he reckoned the harvest would be ready. when emily came bounding through the door!
"joe i think we found some more of those fish people!" she said all flustered. "really, you sure?" he asked.
"well its a ledge just like the other one, back in tollyhot" emily replied. "well lets go have a look shall we" said joe pulling his boots on. so everyone headed over to the river. when they got there, there was a big whirlpool brewing just by the ledge.
"wow just like the one we fell down arthur" said jules. "yeah come on" said arthur throwing himself in.
1100 hours, 01,05,2004. the field of marrows.
"well i never" said jeni quite excited about it all. and so there it was, just like before miles and miles of marrows! and swimming towards them a fish. "oh i do hope its fondu" said debbie. "he was soo cute" as the fish came up to them he stopped and said,
"hello, i am mondu son of fondu, friend and servant of steve the king carp" "you speak english?" said arthur stepping forward.
"arrr the bearded one has returned" said mondu bowing before arthur. "oh well thanks, come on take us to steve then, this is all veey interesting" said arthur. so to the gates of fishland they went, the gates of slounot. "oh look their's fellow"
said pasty. "so it is" said bidge in amazement. "greetings bearded monkey man, you may enter" said fellow, nodding after each of the gang walked through. in side there was th elovely gardens again in all their beauty. so they all met steve again and had much maroow juice then it was time for some serious questions. "so how come your here?" asked joe baffled. "well after your farm was destroyed and the police and FBI turned up, everythoing started to go wrong, the water got poluted by some sort of chemicals from the spaceship then the whole thing dryed up when no-one was allowed on the site. so we figured we'd migrate, but we never thought we'd see you lot again" finished steve at last. "so how did you get here?" asked alion, clinging to matt in a sort of annoying way! "well we got the 712 bus from chorley wood" replied mondu. "fair enough" said anna, riding a unicycle and playing the piano at the same time. so after much reminising, everyone decided to come again soon and they would talk properly about forming an alliance of some.
1700 hours, 01,05,2004. mug and nonce.
"well i think everything has gone well today" said wendy. "yes i look forward to more meetings with those lovely fish people again"
agreed emma. "yes but for now we must concentrate on the crop" said joe not letting anyone get carried away. "our harvest will be ready in 3 days!!!"
"i was riding home from my band practice, i've got a band with a few mates called eastern walking boots. when all of a sudden there was a huge rush of air all around me, i couldn't see anything, but then a bright light, brighter than anything i've ever seen,
shone out of, well i don't know where really, it was just everywhere. and then i felt a huge thud on my back". matt paused, seemingly thinking hard. "well that was last month, some time on a tuesday evening i think, in hoddesdon. anyway then i woke up at some point and then all i remember was being wrapped up in clingfilm and having those nasty nipple clamps put on me, and being handed this" matt preduced a small glowing ball about tthe size of a golf ball from his pocket. "what is is?" asked suz.
"i don't no some voice somewhere said it was for a leader" replied matt, as puzzled as everyone else.
"well i think he must be talking about me" said nick stepping forward. "i think he was talking about joe, nick" said debbie.
"yes i think so" said joe scratching his arse. "what to do what to do" he said pondering. "well i think we should, cain!!!! it!" said dan wisely. "i agree totally" said bigmore. "well i think we should all go down the pub" said louise eager to get some sponsership for her own convent!
0100 hours, 26,04,2004. joes and debbies room.
so when everyone had been to the pub and played the quiz and fatbob had charged £8.50 per game of pool. everyone had decided to go home and get some sleep. except fatbob, who stayed up watching latvian premiership football till 3 in the morning.
"well i better have a look at this" said joe to himself while getting ready for bed. he got the little glowing ball out of the drawer by his bed. it had little tiny symbols all round what appeared to be a seam of some kind. "lets have a look" said debs jumping out of bed.
"ar its malagasey i think" she said taking a closer look. "yes it says, "the seeds of wrath, and many growths"
just then, the ball split right open revealing a small amount of what appeared to be nozzle seeds.
"well i'll be" said susie climbing out form under the bed. "what are you doing under there?" asked joe dumbfounded.
"i was looking for erm, beetles!" "susie! don't spy on us, especially joe when hes doing leadership type stuff" said debbie,
quite cross. "but the cute little beetles!! aarr their sooo sweet" she added squinting hard. "yes debbie dear".
said joe, patting her hard. "anyway lets get to sleep"
1000 hours , 01,05,2004. the river zambia.
emily was taking a walk with carlos one morning. joe had decided in the end to plant the seeds and wait to see what would happen. so as emily strolled by the river hand in hand with carlos. emily suddenly stopped, to look at something.
"what is it em?" asked carlos. "look, down there a another ledge just like the one we saw back in tollyhot".
"well i never" said carlos taking a closer look. "i think we should go tell joe" he said heading back. joe was sitting by the fire, working out when exactly he reckoned the harvest would be ready. when emily came bounding through the door!
"joe i think we found some more of those fish people!" she said all flustered. "really, you sure?" he asked.
"well its a ledge just like the other one, back in tollyhot" emily replied. "well lets go have a look shall we" said joe pulling his boots on. so everyone headed over to the river. when they got there, there was a big whirlpool brewing just by the ledge.
"wow just like the one we fell down arthur" said jules. "yeah come on" said arthur throwing himself in.
1100 hours, 01,05,2004. the field of marrows.
"well i never" said jeni quite excited about it all. and so there it was, just like before miles and miles of marrows! and swimming towards them a fish. "oh i do hope its fondu" said debbie. "he was soo cute" as the fish came up to them he stopped and said,
"hello, i am mondu son of fondu, friend and servant of steve the king carp" "you speak english?" said arthur stepping forward.
"arrr the bearded one has returned" said mondu bowing before arthur. "oh well thanks, come on take us to steve then, this is all veey interesting" said arthur. so to the gates of fishland they went, the gates of slounot. "oh look their's fellow"
said pasty. "so it is" said bidge in amazement. "greetings bearded monkey man, you may enter" said fellow, nodding after each of the gang walked through. in side there was th elovely gardens again in all their beauty. so they all met steve again and had much maroow juice then it was time for some serious questions. "so how come your here?" asked joe baffled. "well after your farm was destroyed and the police and FBI turned up, everythoing started to go wrong, the water got poluted by some sort of chemicals from the spaceship then the whole thing dryed up when no-one was allowed on the site. so we figured we'd migrate, but we never thought we'd see you lot again" finished steve at last. "so how did you get here?" asked alion, clinging to matt in a sort of annoying way! "well we got the 712 bus from chorley wood" replied mondu. "fair enough" said anna, riding a unicycle and playing the piano at the same time. so after much reminising, everyone decided to come again soon and they would talk properly about forming an alliance of some.
1700 hours, 01,05,2004. mug and nonce.
"well i think everything has gone well today" said wendy. "yes i look forward to more meetings with those lovely fish people again"
agreed emma. "yes but for now we must concentrate on the crop" said joe not letting anyone get carried away. "our harvest will be ready in 3 days!!!"
Thursday, 10 January 2002
CHAPTER 10 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. FONDU'S REQUEST
0800 hours, 25,04, 2004 faro airport, portugal.
"well its been a marvelous holiday" said emily smiling, "it was very nice to see all of carlos relatives" "yes it was very hospitable of your father carlos, we thank him greatly" said joe analy. "yes i think we should all thank jess for all her work in organinsing this holiday!" said emma. "yes to jess! my wonderful girl" said tom proudly. "right people come on or we'll be late for the flight"
said joe. "yes its been a great outing for us all" said fatbob, and bringing byork back as a mascot was a bit of luck"
"yes" agreed pasty. "that will be great for our careers" so as everyone was piling into the departure lounge, suddenly out of the crowds
appeared a strange and mysterious man. eyes hooded, a farrowed brow, his nose defiant. cloaked in black. strode up to alion.
he looked into her eyes and said. "i think you'll find something you desire in this case" handing her a large black trunk.
"but what is this?" exclaimed alion. "i think you know what i mean" he replied. and as he disapeared into the crowds,
he turned and whispered. "beware! for all is not obvious, within which you farm!"
1000 hours, 25,04,2004. on board flight 207
so when everyone had boarded and alan had been arrested for joking about hiding bombs in his cap. thusly being locked up in
a portugeuse prison. alion decided to tell everyone about her strange experience in the departure lounge.
"so i don't no whats in it at all" said alion worriedly. "yes interesting, this could be good or bad" said robyn, thrusting her
eyebrows back and forth! yes but on more important matters" said nick, "we are leaving when we get home" he said laughing wildly!! "yes i'm afraid we must leave right away when we arrive home" said mini nick sadly.
"oh well these things happen" said a very gay steward. "dan!! what are you doing working for zambian airway?" asked joe.
"oh well goby sacked me, for snogging a customer" replied dan bitterly. "was she worth it?" asked tom interested now.
"no him" answered dan, offering pink towels. "anyway we don't want to know" said joe trying to change the subject.
"so you gonna come visit our farm then?" asked fatbob. "yeah go on then, as long as theirs huge amounts of beer, and fast cars for me to cain!!" he replied.
1400 hours, 25, 04, 2004. nozzle farm, eastern zambia.
"i do hope everything is ok" said jess worriedly. "i'm sure all will be well dear" replied tom reassureingly. "they better of been keeping my dinosar sprayed" said jeni stroking her chin, "that has to be done, or it'll become brittle and useless".
"like you fatbob" said ellie, opening her duty free ouzo. "did you really have to buy a litre and half bottle ellie?" asked bidge very concerned. "well if your gonna buy stuff cheap, you might as well go the whole hog". replied ellie supping hard!.
so everything was well at the farm, beccas ditch was in good order. all the animals had been fed. even jeni's dinosaur was suitably moist! so when dan had been shown round the whole complex, it was time for some unpacking.
"well time to find out what this is then i guess" said alion looking hard at the padlock on her trunk. "give it here" said debbie, using her pc skills to crack the code. alion carefully opened the trunk. and out rolled a young man, wrapped in clingfilm, and wearing stainless steel nipple clamps. "oh my goodness" screamed rii. "quick get im out of there" said joe grabbing some bolt croppers.
so when the young man was all unwrapped and his very painful looking nipple clamps had been removed. everyone wanted to ask the first question. "who the f**k are you?" asked arthur impatiantly. "hi i'm matt" answered the man, breathing hard.
"where the hell did you come from, and how did you get in that trunk?" asked emily amazed by the whole thing.
"well it all began a long time ago!!"
"well its been a marvelous holiday" said emily smiling, "it was very nice to see all of carlos relatives" "yes it was very hospitable of your father carlos, we thank him greatly" said joe analy. "yes i think we should all thank jess for all her work in organinsing this holiday!" said emma. "yes to jess! my wonderful girl" said tom proudly. "right people come on or we'll be late for the flight"
said joe. "yes its been a great outing for us all" said fatbob, and bringing byork back as a mascot was a bit of luck"
"yes" agreed pasty. "that will be great for our careers" so as everyone was piling into the departure lounge, suddenly out of the crowds
appeared a strange and mysterious man. eyes hooded, a farrowed brow, his nose defiant. cloaked in black. strode up to alion.
he looked into her eyes and said. "i think you'll find something you desire in this case" handing her a large black trunk.
"but what is this?" exclaimed alion. "i think you know what i mean" he replied. and as he disapeared into the crowds,
he turned and whispered. "beware! for all is not obvious, within which you farm!"
1000 hours, 25,04,2004. on board flight 207
so when everyone had boarded and alan had been arrested for joking about hiding bombs in his cap. thusly being locked up in
a portugeuse prison. alion decided to tell everyone about her strange experience in the departure lounge.
"so i don't no whats in it at all" said alion worriedly. "yes interesting, this could be good or bad" said robyn, thrusting her
eyebrows back and forth! yes but on more important matters" said nick, "we are leaving when we get home" he said laughing wildly!! "yes i'm afraid we must leave right away when we arrive home" said mini nick sadly.
"oh well these things happen" said a very gay steward. "dan!! what are you doing working for zambian airway?" asked joe.
"oh well goby sacked me, for snogging a customer" replied dan bitterly. "was she worth it?" asked tom interested now.
"no him" answered dan, offering pink towels. "anyway we don't want to know" said joe trying to change the subject.
"so you gonna come visit our farm then?" asked fatbob. "yeah go on then, as long as theirs huge amounts of beer, and fast cars for me to cain!!" he replied.
1400 hours, 25, 04, 2004. nozzle farm, eastern zambia.
"i do hope everything is ok" said jess worriedly. "i'm sure all will be well dear" replied tom reassureingly. "they better of been keeping my dinosar sprayed" said jeni stroking her chin, "that has to be done, or it'll become brittle and useless".
"like you fatbob" said ellie, opening her duty free ouzo. "did you really have to buy a litre and half bottle ellie?" asked bidge very concerned. "well if your gonna buy stuff cheap, you might as well go the whole hog". replied ellie supping hard!.
so everything was well at the farm, beccas ditch was in good order. all the animals had been fed. even jeni's dinosaur was suitably moist! so when dan had been shown round the whole complex, it was time for some unpacking.
"well time to find out what this is then i guess" said alion looking hard at the padlock on her trunk. "give it here" said debbie, using her pc skills to crack the code. alion carefully opened the trunk. and out rolled a young man, wrapped in clingfilm, and wearing stainless steel nipple clamps. "oh my goodness" screamed rii. "quick get im out of there" said joe grabbing some bolt croppers.
so when the young man was all unwrapped and his very painful looking nipple clamps had been removed. everyone wanted to ask the first question. "who the f**k are you?" asked arthur impatiantly. "hi i'm matt" answered the man, breathing hard.
"where the hell did you come from, and how did you get in that trunk?" asked emily amazed by the whole thing.
"well it all began a long time ago!!"
Wednesday, 9 January 2002
CHAPTER 9 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. A LONG AWAITED DEPARTURE
2000 hours, 12,04,2004 hotel grounds.
"oh my goodness" screamed catherine running out of the fire exit! "don't worry he's out now" said joe, dripping with sweat, and holdong a teatowel. robyn looked down at the very chared and icky mass that was once tim, and slowly began to weep.
"i know its hard for us all robyn, he will be missed" said jules comfortingly. "its not that" said robyn sobbing.
"its just he borrowed my trainers, my only trainers damn him!!" "thats awful robyn, here have mine" said joc very sympathetic.
"come on lets get this over with, someone call the kebab shop" said fatbob drinking an old speckled hen. so joe rang up H&H
to see what he could sort out. "no good i'm afraid chaps, the old lady across the road died last tuesday, so their ok for meat for about a week" "damn" said luke punching the wall. "look lets look at this sensibly, wilko what do you do on farms these days?"
asked jeni. "well i don't like to giveaway trade secrets but i think i can do something for a small fee" said wilko puffing on a cuban.
"ar good" said joe relaxing, now i need a bath. "er neil can you come lend us a hand with tim please" asked fatbob.
2200 hours, 12,04,2004 some hole in iceland.
"right neil, you gid the hole we'll talk some buisness, everybodys happy!" said wilko, smoothing back his hair. "ook" said neil looking worried. so neil dug away while fatbob counted the contents of tims wallet. meanwhile back at the hotel.
"i'm afraid i'm gonna have to go home early to tell tims parents." said joc crying hard. "poor tim, he really was the wild man of the woods" said alion. "but in the end he went a fire too far" she said, pulling hard on her fag. " "come on" said jeni, "lets get you a biscuit" "ooh me too" said debs running after them. "right come on joc" said viki, "lets get a flight booked"
back at the hole. "er guys i can't seem to get outn of here, are you sure it has to be 10 foot deep?" "oh yeah at least"
said fatbob. "and the gasses down here are making me dizzy" "yeah they'll do that" said wilko cassually.
"guys!" "right fatbob, you ready?" asked wilko clenching his buttocks. "lets do it, look at my eyes neil!!!" "arr shit nooo"
2430 hours, 13,04,2004 hotle bar (again)
"well thats tim buried" said wilko strolling in, rather spattered with blood. "yes" agreed fatbob holding a bag of golf clubs under his arm. "so wheres neil?" asked anna, with a manic grin on her face. "oh we had to dispence with him" said wilko dusting himself off.
"oh good" said debs under her breath. "what you say debs?" asked ellie, drinking yet another bottle ouzo!
"oh nothing really, just thinking i should really get some damn pie on the go for joe" "so neils gone?" said alion, always slow to catch on. "yup" said fatbob. "yeeees" said alion leaping in the air, and spilling her pint. "is that my tshirt your wearing alion?" asked joe anally. "er no" replied alion sweetly. enough of this, who wants a game of golf?" asked tom. "at nearly 1am tom" said jess. "er strawberry picking then?" "lets just go to bed shall we" suggested bidge yawning, "yes i quite agree" said suz, trying her hardest to snog the right simon. "well anyones welcome to join me for monopoly in my room if they like" said joe taking the situation by the horns. "yey! strip i hope" requested julia p. "of course" said joe proudly. "you coming louise?" asked emma.
"er no i better not, got a church to build tomorrow, and i've got to make the bricks first. need an early night"
"suit yourself mate" said emma slipping on a couple of jumpers.
0300 hours, 13,04,2004 joe&debbies room (wink wink nudge nudge)
"yes! i win again" shouted luke, wearing nothing but a straw boater. "damn that straw boater" said energy shivering. "not all that warm for strip monopoly is it" she said."well come on everyone lets get to bed!" said joe. so everyone went to bed, bar becca, who went to a late night ditch convention! so everyone was up bright and early, joc was off to the airport. but there was more incidents yet! "whats up onion?" asked anna, as onion came running down to breakfast in tears! "simon slept walked, to a car cruise. and got run over by an escort RS turbo!" she said, not able to control herself. "oh no thats awful" said suz pearing over a newspaper.
"well these things happen" said bigmore flicking through an alloys catalogue. "well you would say that" said suz angrily. "you and your subaru" "now now lets not squabble children" said joe, taking command. "come on" he said. "lets sort rthis out"
"oh my goodness" screamed catherine running out of the fire exit! "don't worry he's out now" said joe, dripping with sweat, and holdong a teatowel. robyn looked down at the very chared and icky mass that was once tim, and slowly began to weep.
"i know its hard for us all robyn, he will be missed" said jules comfortingly. "its not that" said robyn sobbing.
"its just he borrowed my trainers, my only trainers damn him!!" "thats awful robyn, here have mine" said joc very sympathetic.
"come on lets get this over with, someone call the kebab shop" said fatbob drinking an old speckled hen. so joe rang up H&H
to see what he could sort out. "no good i'm afraid chaps, the old lady across the road died last tuesday, so their ok for meat for about a week" "damn" said luke punching the wall. "look lets look at this sensibly, wilko what do you do on farms these days?"
asked jeni. "well i don't like to giveaway trade secrets but i think i can do something for a small fee" said wilko puffing on a cuban.
"ar good" said joe relaxing, now i need a bath. "er neil can you come lend us a hand with tim please" asked fatbob.
2200 hours, 12,04,2004 some hole in iceland.
"right neil, you gid the hole we'll talk some buisness, everybodys happy!" said wilko, smoothing back his hair. "ook" said neil looking worried. so neil dug away while fatbob counted the contents of tims wallet. meanwhile back at the hotel.
"i'm afraid i'm gonna have to go home early to tell tims parents." said joc crying hard. "poor tim, he really was the wild man of the woods" said alion. "but in the end he went a fire too far" she said, pulling hard on her fag. " "come on" said jeni, "lets get you a biscuit" "ooh me too" said debs running after them. "right come on joc" said viki, "lets get a flight booked"
back at the hole. "er guys i can't seem to get outn of here, are you sure it has to be 10 foot deep?" "oh yeah at least"
said fatbob. "and the gasses down here are making me dizzy" "yeah they'll do that" said wilko cassually.
"guys!" "right fatbob, you ready?" asked wilko clenching his buttocks. "lets do it, look at my eyes neil!!!" "arr shit nooo"
2430 hours, 13,04,2004 hotle bar (again)
"well thats tim buried" said wilko strolling in, rather spattered with blood. "yes" agreed fatbob holding a bag of golf clubs under his arm. "so wheres neil?" asked anna, with a manic grin on her face. "oh we had to dispence with him" said wilko dusting himself off.
"oh good" said debs under her breath. "what you say debs?" asked ellie, drinking yet another bottle ouzo!
"oh nothing really, just thinking i should really get some damn pie on the go for joe" "so neils gone?" said alion, always slow to catch on. "yup" said fatbob. "yeeees" said alion leaping in the air, and spilling her pint. "is that my tshirt your wearing alion?" asked joe anally. "er no" replied alion sweetly. enough of this, who wants a game of golf?" asked tom. "at nearly 1am tom" said jess. "er strawberry picking then?" "lets just go to bed shall we" suggested bidge yawning, "yes i quite agree" said suz, trying her hardest to snog the right simon. "well anyones welcome to join me for monopoly in my room if they like" said joe taking the situation by the horns. "yey! strip i hope" requested julia p. "of course" said joe proudly. "you coming louise?" asked emma.
"er no i better not, got a church to build tomorrow, and i've got to make the bricks first. need an early night"
"suit yourself mate" said emma slipping on a couple of jumpers.
0300 hours, 13,04,2004 joe&debbies room (wink wink nudge nudge)
"yes! i win again" shouted luke, wearing nothing but a straw boater. "damn that straw boater" said energy shivering. "not all that warm for strip monopoly is it" she said."well come on everyone lets get to bed!" said joe. so everyone went to bed, bar becca, who went to a late night ditch convention! so everyone was up bright and early, joc was off to the airport. but there was more incidents yet! "whats up onion?" asked anna, as onion came running down to breakfast in tears! "simon slept walked, to a car cruise. and got run over by an escort RS turbo!" she said, not able to control herself. "oh no thats awful" said suz pearing over a newspaper.
"well these things happen" said bigmore flicking through an alloys catalogue. "well you would say that" said suz angrily. "you and your subaru" "now now lets not squabble children" said joe, taking command. "come on" he said. "lets sort rthis out"
Tuesday, 8 January 2002
CHAPTER 8 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. A FISTFULL OF WOOL!
0700 hours, 12,04,2004 hotel dining hall
"morning joe, how be you?" asked ellie strolling in to the restaurant. "i be good thanks" replied joe. "sleep well?"
"yes except i heard clarke and onion throwing armchairs at eachother at 3 in the morning!" replied joe."arr shame" said jeni carrying a tray of toast. "oh yeah tea toast fag" said fatbob helping himself! "its not all yours bob" said debs cradling a ring tailed lemur. "sorry debs, but i do love my toast" "i quite agree, toast is essential" added arthur. "where has pasty gone this morning? he wasn't in his room when i called him for breakfast" said reena eating lots of icelandic curry. "as good as at home reena?" asked wendy, "i can't believe they took my drugs" "no not as good as my mum cooks" replied reena.
"thats it eat your fill people, because todays gonna all be on the hoof!" said joe rapidly digesting muffins. "fatbob,you seem very happy this morning, any reason?" asked louise, while flipping through a convent holiday brochure.
"no reason really, just got some eyebrow action last night!!" "fatbob!!" shouted robyn in a hushed voice! kicking him under the chair
so when everyone had finished eating it was time for some serious sight seeing.
0900 hours, 12,04,2004 outside the hotel.
"right lets get some transport sorted" said energy rubbing her hands together. "yes i think we should rent a bus" suggested pasty appearing from behind a dustbin. "yes i quite agree young paste, to the rental garage!" said joe anally.
"so where did you go this morning pasty?" asked jeni, "reena called you and you weren't there" "oh well i was... erm buying a new guitar string, for the band. "oh i see, how convenient!! said ellie, not believing him atal. "yeah and where'd you get those fancy clothes ey?" asked jess, "he was wearing them yesterday jess" pointed out viki. "well then everythings wrapped up in a neat little package isn't it!!" replied jess. "come on now people, lets get to this garage" said joe taking command.
1100 hours, 12,04, 2004 in the bus.
"well that was nice and easy!" said louise, still looking through her convent brochure. "what are you doing lou?" asked bidge making a cup of tea. "oh i'm just thinking of becoming a nun, thats all" replied louise. "fair enough, didn't think that was really you"
said bidge pondering. "boy i'm hungry" said arthur, his stomach rumbling as ususl. "oh your always hungry monkey boy" said jules in dispair!. "erm neil" said fastbob, peering over his chair. "yes mate, is there a problem?" answered neil.
"just thinking, you do know that theres a 100% interest on that money you lended don't you?"
"oh is there, i mean i thought there would be a small fee.. but i dont think i could get that sort of money" said neil looking worried.
"well we've got a little problem then aven't we?" said wilko. "yes" said fatbob, "see this, this is my favourite axe!!"
"how much further bigmore?" asked suz, "i really need a novelty item right about now" "yes dear we'll soon be there, have some more flowers while your waiting" replied bigmore. "do you really have to drive so fast simon" said sophie, sliding from one seat to another!! "yes.. yes i do" said simon, handbrake turning round a corner!
so after many hours of fun swimming, walking, buying novelty items and playing icelandic strip monopoly. (which julia p won)
it was nice to be back in the warm, at the hotel.
2000 hours, 12,04,2004 pastys room.
look robyn, you've got your eyebrows, me my guitar and my secret oboe lessons, we're from two differant worlds" said pasty smoking on the bed, "yes well i've been renting out my eyebrows to fatbob for weeks now" said robyn outwardly.
"well i've been using your parents money to buy guitar strings" replied pasty. "you've got to admit you have a problem pasty, no more guitar strings" "i don't have a problem i just keep f*"*"ing breaking them, damn those festivals!" "well i guess thats it, lets never fight again!" said robyn practising brow movements in the mirror! "yes i agree. now if you don't mind i have an oboe lesson i'm late for" just then jo c burst in. "come quick tim just fell into a fire he was trying to light in the hotel grounds!!"
"morning joe, how be you?" asked ellie strolling in to the restaurant. "i be good thanks" replied joe. "sleep well?"
"yes except i heard clarke and onion throwing armchairs at eachother at 3 in the morning!" replied joe."arr shame" said jeni carrying a tray of toast. "oh yeah tea toast fag" said fatbob helping himself! "its not all yours bob" said debs cradling a ring tailed lemur. "sorry debs, but i do love my toast" "i quite agree, toast is essential" added arthur. "where has pasty gone this morning? he wasn't in his room when i called him for breakfast" said reena eating lots of icelandic curry. "as good as at home reena?" asked wendy, "i can't believe they took my drugs" "no not as good as my mum cooks" replied reena.
"thats it eat your fill people, because todays gonna all be on the hoof!" said joe rapidly digesting muffins. "fatbob,you seem very happy this morning, any reason?" asked louise, while flipping through a convent holiday brochure.
"no reason really, just got some eyebrow action last night!!" "fatbob!!" shouted robyn in a hushed voice! kicking him under the chair
so when everyone had finished eating it was time for some serious sight seeing.
0900 hours, 12,04,2004 outside the hotel.
"right lets get some transport sorted" said energy rubbing her hands together. "yes i think we should rent a bus" suggested pasty appearing from behind a dustbin. "yes i quite agree young paste, to the rental garage!" said joe anally.
"so where did you go this morning pasty?" asked jeni, "reena called you and you weren't there" "oh well i was... erm buying a new guitar string, for the band. "oh i see, how convenient!! said ellie, not believing him atal. "yeah and where'd you get those fancy clothes ey?" asked jess, "he was wearing them yesterday jess" pointed out viki. "well then everythings wrapped up in a neat little package isn't it!!" replied jess. "come on now people, lets get to this garage" said joe taking command.
1100 hours, 12,04, 2004 in the bus.
"well that was nice and easy!" said louise, still looking through her convent brochure. "what are you doing lou?" asked bidge making a cup of tea. "oh i'm just thinking of becoming a nun, thats all" replied louise. "fair enough, didn't think that was really you"
said bidge pondering. "boy i'm hungry" said arthur, his stomach rumbling as ususl. "oh your always hungry monkey boy" said jules in dispair!. "erm neil" said fastbob, peering over his chair. "yes mate, is there a problem?" answered neil.
"just thinking, you do know that theres a 100% interest on that money you lended don't you?"
"oh is there, i mean i thought there would be a small fee.. but i dont think i could get that sort of money" said neil looking worried.
"well we've got a little problem then aven't we?" said wilko. "yes" said fatbob, "see this, this is my favourite axe!!"
"how much further bigmore?" asked suz, "i really need a novelty item right about now" "yes dear we'll soon be there, have some more flowers while your waiting" replied bigmore. "do you really have to drive so fast simon" said sophie, sliding from one seat to another!! "yes.. yes i do" said simon, handbrake turning round a corner!
so after many hours of fun swimming, walking, buying novelty items and playing icelandic strip monopoly. (which julia p won)
it was nice to be back in the warm, at the hotel.
2000 hours, 12,04,2004 pastys room.
look robyn, you've got your eyebrows, me my guitar and my secret oboe lessons, we're from two differant worlds" said pasty smoking on the bed, "yes well i've been renting out my eyebrows to fatbob for weeks now" said robyn outwardly.
"well i've been using your parents money to buy guitar strings" replied pasty. "you've got to admit you have a problem pasty, no more guitar strings" "i don't have a problem i just keep f*"*"ing breaking them, damn those festivals!" "well i guess thats it, lets never fight again!" said robyn practising brow movements in the mirror! "yes i agree. now if you don't mind i have an oboe lesson i'm late for" just then jo c burst in. "come quick tim just fell into a fire he was trying to light in the hotel grounds!!"
Monday, 7 January 2002
CHAPTER 7 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. ICELAND FOREVER?
1200 hours, 11,04,2004 zambia national airport.
"well here we are ladies and gentlemen" said joe quite analy! " attention passengers flight 205 to iceland, boarding will commence now. so get your asses into gear you morans!!" "right come on lads its everyman for himself!" shouted luke, shoving fatbob into a drinks dispencer. "yes for no man has harketh a time for such melodies against his will" said bidge. "you are full of surprises bidge, i dont no why joe thought so little of your intellect" said suz wistfully snogging simon. "errm suz" said reena looking rather worried."what reena?" asked suz totally bemused. "errr wrong simon" "oh sorry freeman!" said suz i bit embarresed!
" hey i still got it" said simon smirking and high fiving wilko. "enough of this nonsence children and on with the show, or we'll miss the plane" said joe looking worriedly at his watch. so when everyone had boarded and all wendys drugs had been confiscated,
it was time for lunch.
1800 hours, 11,04,2004 iceland national airport.
"erm wilko my friend" said neil at the porn booth. "yeeees my friend" replied wilko looking eager. "this whole thing with alion and the reading ticket, i sort of need to borrow some cash" "well you've come to the right man, how much do you require?"
"right come on lads" said suz scratching at the door, "lets get the coach, i want to go for a swim in a geiser before dinner"
"yes i quite agree said anna, hey just a minute i'm not just gonna agree, i'm going to add something aswell.
did you know that general picket lost over 6000 men in the battle of gettysburg in 1863" "yes thats great anna" said alan.
"come lets get going" said joe prefusely.
2100 hours, 11,04,2004 the quata hotel.
"well that was a lovely swim" said becca, drying herself on one of the curtains in the foyet. "becca! this is a class place" said emily, distraught. "hey becca, how bout meeting in the ditch later" said wilko winking. "ok" said becca,"i love a good ditch"
"come on tom, we'll be late for dinner" said jess calling from bedroom."yeah ok just polishing my mokisans" replied tom scrubbing hard. downstairs everyone was waiting for the main course. "that was top class nosh hey luke" said arthur, scraping the congealed bits out of his beard. "yes or as the french would say, le tope le classey nothe" answered luke proudly.
"thats not actually french luke" said alion smacking him round the head with a bread stick. "ok ok no need for violence" said luke rubbing his face. "boy you've got some good eyebrows their luke" said fatbob admiringly! "i do worry about you fatbob" said jules.
0300 hours, 12,04,2004 hotel bar.
"well that was good" said fatbob, rubbing his belly. "yes, i prefered the waitress personally, wink wink nudge nudge"
"simon!! said onion appauled. "yes i quite agree" said jess. "so robyn may i meet your eyebrows later, for some folicle loving!"
said fatbob smiling, "ok maybe, but i'll have to have a word with them. coz i might get rain in my eyes when i go for a walk later"
"hey may i join you fatbob?" asked arthur. "no!! stay away, their mine, my precious!" said fatbob his eyes alight with fire!
" come on fatbob, let it go" said joe. "another pint?"
"well here we are ladies and gentlemen" said joe quite analy! " attention passengers flight 205 to iceland, boarding will commence now. so get your asses into gear you morans!!" "right come on lads its everyman for himself!" shouted luke, shoving fatbob into a drinks dispencer. "yes for no man has harketh a time for such melodies against his will" said bidge. "you are full of surprises bidge, i dont no why joe thought so little of your intellect" said suz wistfully snogging simon. "errm suz" said reena looking rather worried."what reena?" asked suz totally bemused. "errr wrong simon" "oh sorry freeman!" said suz i bit embarresed!
" hey i still got it" said simon smirking and high fiving wilko. "enough of this nonsence children and on with the show, or we'll miss the plane" said joe looking worriedly at his watch. so when everyone had boarded and all wendys drugs had been confiscated,
it was time for lunch.
1800 hours, 11,04,2004 iceland national airport.
"erm wilko my friend" said neil at the porn booth. "yeeees my friend" replied wilko looking eager. "this whole thing with alion and the reading ticket, i sort of need to borrow some cash" "well you've come to the right man, how much do you require?"
"right come on lads" said suz scratching at the door, "lets get the coach, i want to go for a swim in a geiser before dinner"
"yes i quite agree said anna, hey just a minute i'm not just gonna agree, i'm going to add something aswell.
did you know that general picket lost over 6000 men in the battle of gettysburg in 1863" "yes thats great anna" said alan.
"come lets get going" said joe prefusely.
2100 hours, 11,04,2004 the quata hotel.
"well that was a lovely swim" said becca, drying herself on one of the curtains in the foyet. "becca! this is a class place" said emily, distraught. "hey becca, how bout meeting in the ditch later" said wilko winking. "ok" said becca,"i love a good ditch"
"come on tom, we'll be late for dinner" said jess calling from bedroom."yeah ok just polishing my mokisans" replied tom scrubbing hard. downstairs everyone was waiting for the main course. "that was top class nosh hey luke" said arthur, scraping the congealed bits out of his beard. "yes or as the french would say, le tope le classey nothe" answered luke proudly.
"thats not actually french luke" said alion smacking him round the head with a bread stick. "ok ok no need for violence" said luke rubbing his face. "boy you've got some good eyebrows their luke" said fatbob admiringly! "i do worry about you fatbob" said jules.
0300 hours, 12,04,2004 hotel bar.
"well that was good" said fatbob, rubbing his belly. "yes, i prefered the waitress personally, wink wink nudge nudge"
"simon!! said onion appauled. "yes i quite agree" said jess. "so robyn may i meet your eyebrows later, for some folicle loving!"
said fatbob smiling, "ok maybe, but i'll have to have a word with them. coz i might get rain in my eyes when i go for a walk later"
"hey may i join you fatbob?" asked arthur. "no!! stay away, their mine, my precious!" said fatbob his eyes alight with fire!
" come on fatbob, let it go" said joe. "another pint?"
Sunday, 6 January 2002
CHAPTER 6 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. LUCRITIVE DEALINGS
0700 hours, 02,04,2004 fields of nozzles.
it was a warm sunny day in april, everyone was inspecting and weeding the coming summers crop. "i'm glad we cloned these nozzles to be ready in may" said robyn hawking out weeds with her spade. "yes it was a very clever idea of mine wasn't it" said alion proudly. "hang on i think you'll find it was my idea first" said louise also very proudly. "lets not argue people, we have all helped eachother" said debbie wisely (and looking very fit indeed!) "i was thinking joe" said james pufffing away. "do carry on dear chap" replied joe. "well i thought we could go away on holiday somewhere, before the crop is ready for harvesting" he said hoping for the best. "what a good idea" said jess. "i will look at some brochers" "good idea jess" said tom smiling.
"right so its settled then, we will aim to go away in one weeks time" said joe in an important voice. "yey" shouted alion jumping up and down. so over the next few days everyone tried to get everything finished so they could go away. viki and charlotte arranged for the horses to be fed and mucked out, by the villagers while they were away. alion and louise showed onko and maffi how to keep the temperatures correct in the greenhouse. debbie sorted out packing. and jess was doing a marvelous job of finding a bargain hoiliday.
1515 hours, 04,04,2004 the mug and nonce. (in a dingy smoke filled room)
"so you listen here matey" said wilko puffing on a cuban cigar. "i run things round here from now on" he said looking chief barry straight in the eye. "you not can do dat" said barry angered. "oh can't i" said wilko shoving 500 in his hand. "oh yes yes dis very good ting" said barry quickly. "thats right my son, and remember, your the chief ok?" said wilko slyly. "yes yes" replied barry.
"meet fatbob, hes a bit of a wideboy" said wilko waving fatbob into the room. "hello" said fatbob stroking chief barrys hair.
"what is dis you doing?" asked barry. "i'm stroking your frizzy hair!" back in the farmhouse. "yey yey, i've found one!" said jess very excitedly. "well done where are we off to then?" asked sophie. "well it was difficult, but i got a two week split holiday,
one week in iceland, and one week in portugal" she said trying to contain herself. "portugal!! that means carlos can visit his family" said emily extatic. "yey, we're going on holiday" said debbie and alion both at once, jumping all over the place.
so it was all go. they had six days to prepare, and everyone had plenty to do. carlos wrote to his relatives to tell him he was going to visit. debbie bought a brand new bikini ;). alion was trying to get neil to pay for her, but only succeeded in getting rid of half of her payment. everyone was on a high.
0700 hours, 10,04,2004 the day before the holiday.
"come on people, organisation is essential" said charlot polishing a turd vigorously. "why the hell are you doing that?" asked simon clark. "well you never know when you'll need a polished turd do you" replied charlot. "yeah but charlot darling, you can't polish a turd" said simon slightly worried by his girlfriends behaviour. "now listen you, wheres the cash?" fatbob asked maffi in a very intimidating voice."i not know dat sir" replied maffi very scared indeed. "look at me maffi, look at my fucking eyes!! now wheres my money?" "you know what this calls for don't you" said baataur. "kneecap time!!" in the village hall. "now listen please people, as you know, me and my friends are going away for two weeks. are you happy you know what your duties are while we are away?" asked joe in an important voice. "yes yes" said everyone at once. "good. i thank you all again for all your help these past weeks" added joe, almost reduced to tears. in the barn james and arthur were talking like men. "we have to end this now arthur" said james very worried. "yes i think julia is getting suspicious" replied arthur. "always with the lust arthur, thats your problem" said james trying to pass the buck. "yeah well i bet they would do the same to us" answered arthur. "don't be absurd, to think they would do that to us" said james quite shocked. meanwhile emily was packing with ingham. "now take it easy emily, you have to take it easy from now on" said ingham. "yes but there is so much to do" replied emily out of breath. "yes but leave all that to us, you must rest"
said ingham putting her foot down. "i agree totally" added becca strolling in. " remember, you might find the stoat of insecurity, has more than one handhold on the tapier of bereivement" "yes altho the sloth of obessity has an array of cards to play, the creeper vine of hate rings true concerning the okapi of enlightenment" added susie bounding through the door. "what are you trying to say" asked emily a little confusticated. "we're trying to say, the carp of sanity breathes through a copper tube of life" said becca impatiently. "ok in english now" said emily crossly. "take it easy mate" said susie walking off.
1900 hours, 10,04,2004 the mug and nonce again.
"well who wants to play the quiz" asked ellie (never missing a quiz, EVER!) "yeah go on then" said suz fiddling with the pen.
"yes i'll join you" added simon b. "even tho i have purposely forgotten everything i ever learned" "still better than joe hey"
said ellie. "now we need a name" said alion getting all excited and breaking her chair. "how about, a solute to neil" she suggested.
"well its original, i'll give you that" said robyn. "bex stop chatting up other peoples boyfriends" said emily, as bex began to stroke simon c's leg. "yes their are plenty of single men now, no more need for stealing" agreed anna. "ar that reminds me" said nick.
"me and mini nick will be leaving you i'm afraid, after the holiday" "ar why?" asked catherine. "well my dear, you see monkeys have taken over our brains, and we have to get to a docter very soon" said mini nick trying not to laugh. "really!! thats really interesting" said catherine intrigued. "oh stop it nick" said sophie. "raisons anyone?" offered matt taking a large bag out of his rucksack.
"who wants a drink?" offered joe feeling very generous. "go on then" said ellie. "i won't ask what you want" said joe knowing full well
"can i have a drink too please" asked louise batting her eyelids. "that won't work on me mate" said joe. "i will tho"
"and me too i should hope" said debbie throwing her darts wildly through the air.
so after many hours of drinking and an appalling score of 2 and a half in the quiz, it was time to go home. "well guys tomorrow we will be off to iceland" said joe belching loudly.
0600 hours, 11,04,2004 breakfast room.
"tea anyone" offered bidge. "no thanks jo" replied energy. "and one thing, why does joe think your just a brainless girl, with no other task in life other than to supply us with an endless surge of hot beverages of the choiceless variety?" "thats very profound energy" said wendy playing with her face lots. "i don't know energy, maybe hes just an imperialist sexist angst ridden oaf" replied jo pouring tea into countless cups. "excuse me i don't mind being insulted, but in my company i object" said joe peering over his newspaper. "ooh joe reading about the world, are you well?" said jeni sarcastically. "yeah yeah ok" said joe disgusted by his freinds lack of faith in his reading abbilities. after breakfast everyone piled into the minibus, and off they all went
monty provided on board entertainment, singing and dancing down the isle. while simon freeman, acted as courier.
providing jokes and idioms. so the journey went swiftly and without incident, except alan giving out out of date sweets again.
"well here we are people" said joe stretching after the long journey. "yes tomorrow we will be in iceland!!!!!! said luke laughing
it was a warm sunny day in april, everyone was inspecting and weeding the coming summers crop. "i'm glad we cloned these nozzles to be ready in may" said robyn hawking out weeds with her spade. "yes it was a very clever idea of mine wasn't it" said alion proudly. "hang on i think you'll find it was my idea first" said louise also very proudly. "lets not argue people, we have all helped eachother" said debbie wisely (and looking very fit indeed!) "i was thinking joe" said james pufffing away. "do carry on dear chap" replied joe. "well i thought we could go away on holiday somewhere, before the crop is ready for harvesting" he said hoping for the best. "what a good idea" said jess. "i will look at some brochers" "good idea jess" said tom smiling.
"right so its settled then, we will aim to go away in one weeks time" said joe in an important voice. "yey" shouted alion jumping up and down. so over the next few days everyone tried to get everything finished so they could go away. viki and charlotte arranged for the horses to be fed and mucked out, by the villagers while they were away. alion and louise showed onko and maffi how to keep the temperatures correct in the greenhouse. debbie sorted out packing. and jess was doing a marvelous job of finding a bargain hoiliday.
1515 hours, 04,04,2004 the mug and nonce. (in a dingy smoke filled room)
"so you listen here matey" said wilko puffing on a cuban cigar. "i run things round here from now on" he said looking chief barry straight in the eye. "you not can do dat" said barry angered. "oh can't i" said wilko shoving 500 in his hand. "oh yes yes dis very good ting" said barry quickly. "thats right my son, and remember, your the chief ok?" said wilko slyly. "yes yes" replied barry.
"meet fatbob, hes a bit of a wideboy" said wilko waving fatbob into the room. "hello" said fatbob stroking chief barrys hair.
"what is dis you doing?" asked barry. "i'm stroking your frizzy hair!" back in the farmhouse. "yey yey, i've found one!" said jess very excitedly. "well done where are we off to then?" asked sophie. "well it was difficult, but i got a two week split holiday,
one week in iceland, and one week in portugal" she said trying to contain herself. "portugal!! that means carlos can visit his family" said emily extatic. "yey, we're going on holiday" said debbie and alion both at once, jumping all over the place.
so it was all go. they had six days to prepare, and everyone had plenty to do. carlos wrote to his relatives to tell him he was going to visit. debbie bought a brand new bikini ;). alion was trying to get neil to pay for her, but only succeeded in getting rid of half of her payment. everyone was on a high.
0700 hours, 10,04,2004 the day before the holiday.
"come on people, organisation is essential" said charlot polishing a turd vigorously. "why the hell are you doing that?" asked simon clark. "well you never know when you'll need a polished turd do you" replied charlot. "yeah but charlot darling, you can't polish a turd" said simon slightly worried by his girlfriends behaviour. "now listen you, wheres the cash?" fatbob asked maffi in a very intimidating voice."i not know dat sir" replied maffi very scared indeed. "look at me maffi, look at my fucking eyes!! now wheres my money?" "you know what this calls for don't you" said baataur. "kneecap time!!" in the village hall. "now listen please people, as you know, me and my friends are going away for two weeks. are you happy you know what your duties are while we are away?" asked joe in an important voice. "yes yes" said everyone at once. "good. i thank you all again for all your help these past weeks" added joe, almost reduced to tears. in the barn james and arthur were talking like men. "we have to end this now arthur" said james very worried. "yes i think julia is getting suspicious" replied arthur. "always with the lust arthur, thats your problem" said james trying to pass the buck. "yeah well i bet they would do the same to us" answered arthur. "don't be absurd, to think they would do that to us" said james quite shocked. meanwhile emily was packing with ingham. "now take it easy emily, you have to take it easy from now on" said ingham. "yes but there is so much to do" replied emily out of breath. "yes but leave all that to us, you must rest"
said ingham putting her foot down. "i agree totally" added becca strolling in. " remember, you might find the stoat of insecurity, has more than one handhold on the tapier of bereivement" "yes altho the sloth of obessity has an array of cards to play, the creeper vine of hate rings true concerning the okapi of enlightenment" added susie bounding through the door. "what are you trying to say" asked emily a little confusticated. "we're trying to say, the carp of sanity breathes through a copper tube of life" said becca impatiently. "ok in english now" said emily crossly. "take it easy mate" said susie walking off.
1900 hours, 10,04,2004 the mug and nonce again.
"well who wants to play the quiz" asked ellie (never missing a quiz, EVER!) "yeah go on then" said suz fiddling with the pen.
"yes i'll join you" added simon b. "even tho i have purposely forgotten everything i ever learned" "still better than joe hey"
said ellie. "now we need a name" said alion getting all excited and breaking her chair. "how about, a solute to neil" she suggested.
"well its original, i'll give you that" said robyn. "bex stop chatting up other peoples boyfriends" said emily, as bex began to stroke simon c's leg. "yes their are plenty of single men now, no more need for stealing" agreed anna. "ar that reminds me" said nick.
"me and mini nick will be leaving you i'm afraid, after the holiday" "ar why?" asked catherine. "well my dear, you see monkeys have taken over our brains, and we have to get to a docter very soon" said mini nick trying not to laugh. "really!! thats really interesting" said catherine intrigued. "oh stop it nick" said sophie. "raisons anyone?" offered matt taking a large bag out of his rucksack.
"who wants a drink?" offered joe feeling very generous. "go on then" said ellie. "i won't ask what you want" said joe knowing full well
"can i have a drink too please" asked louise batting her eyelids. "that won't work on me mate" said joe. "i will tho"
"and me too i should hope" said debbie throwing her darts wildly through the air.
so after many hours of drinking and an appalling score of 2 and a half in the quiz, it was time to go home. "well guys tomorrow we will be off to iceland" said joe belching loudly.
0600 hours, 11,04,2004 breakfast room.
"tea anyone" offered bidge. "no thanks jo" replied energy. "and one thing, why does joe think your just a brainless girl, with no other task in life other than to supply us with an endless surge of hot beverages of the choiceless variety?" "thats very profound energy" said wendy playing with her face lots. "i don't know energy, maybe hes just an imperialist sexist angst ridden oaf" replied jo pouring tea into countless cups. "excuse me i don't mind being insulted, but in my company i object" said joe peering over his newspaper. "ooh joe reading about the world, are you well?" said jeni sarcastically. "yeah yeah ok" said joe disgusted by his freinds lack of faith in his reading abbilities. after breakfast everyone piled into the minibus, and off they all went
monty provided on board entertainment, singing and dancing down the isle. while simon freeman, acted as courier.
providing jokes and idioms. so the journey went swiftly and without incident, except alan giving out out of date sweets again.
"well here we are people" said joe stretching after the long journey. "yes tomorrow we will be in iceland!!!!!! said luke laughing
Saturday, 5 January 2002
CHAPTER 5 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. FRIENDS AND FOE
0030 hours, 19,03,2004 the mug and nonce.
"who wants another drink?" offered simon b flashing his cash. "i'll have a pint please" said viki. "yeah me too please" said alion downing her first. "anyone else?" asked simon b. "go on then" said joe, "i've only had 9!" rii came round to collect the glasses.
"what! 19 pounds for five drinks, you must be joking" "sorry simon thats what fatbob said, not my fault i'm afraid" said ellie a little embarressed. "i was thinking fatbob, now your going to have entertainments, could i play my guitar in your pub?" asked james.
"i have an even better idea, why don't we start a band" suggested fatbob, longing to play his album.
"what a wikid idea, and alion could join us too, with a little practice" said james. "cool, now we need a name" said fatbob.
"how about, indidgenous swamp cats" suggested susie. "mm maybe not" said alion trying not to sound rude.
"well we'll think of something i'm sure" said james.
0225 hours, 19,03,2004 still in the mug and nonce.
"come on people time to go, i would like to get some sleep tonight" said ellie drinking from the slop trays. "ellies right, come on lets be off" said joe in an important voice. so everyone fell out of the mug and nonce, and stumbled across the compound to the farmhouse. inside viki got the ouzo out and 42 shots glasses. "right strip monopoly anyone?" suggested julia lord.
"go on then just a couple of games" said emma lockton. "i would rather play, how do you eat yours? the cadburys cream egg game" said anna. "well maybe later, first we will play a little strip monopoly" said joe pouring another ouzo.
0345 hours, 19,03,2004 farmhouse social room.
"yey i win again" shouted emma greenhill. "oh damn thats three in a row now, how do you do it" said tom throwing his counter across the room. "are you ok julia p?" asked reena rather concerned. "you've had an awfull lot to drink tonight"
"shes fine, another beer julia?" said fatbob holding an array of bottles, and puffing on a cig all at once. "i think i'll lie down for a bit"
said julia keeling over onto the sofa, out cold. "fair enough" said suzanne. "i'll have that then shall i" she said taking a fosters of fatbob. "right i think its bedtime everyone, bidge has been in bed for 6 hours already" said joe picking himself of the floor.
"yeah i guess joes right, we have to start on the nozzles tomora remember" said debbie. "yes true, well i'm off night night everyone"
said becca. so everyone went to bed bar joe who decided to watch a television program about shoe laces of the first century,
and their influence on neolithic architecture. and fatbob of course who stayed up all night finishing his btec course work.
"well fatbob, its 7am how about a kebab?" said joe yawning. "yeah go on then" replied fatbob writing furiously.
"morning you two" said bidge walking down the stairs. "cup of tea?" "yes please jo, that reminds me time for a fag" replied fatbob.
"morning joe" said matt bounding down the stairs. "morning matt, want a brew jo's just getting one on" offered joe.
"no thanks i'll go for a run first i think" replied matt as he headed out the door onto the veranda. "why don't we have breakfast on the veranda today" suggested bidge from the kitchen. "excellant idea" said luke. so everyone comuned on the veranda for a breakfast of kebabs, nozzle toast and fresh wolfberry juice. "now today we have lots to do" began joe helping himself to slices 9 and 10 of toast
"alion, robyn and louise, you will continue your research into the nozzles. charlotte, viki and julia lord, you will go to the market in the next village to purchase some horses. some of you can finish the second barn and the kebab shop" said joe.
"right lets go for it" said wendy getting very worked up.
0900 hours, 19,03,2004 barn secter 2.
"wow this just gets better and better" said jeni unearthing yet another foot of spine. "that must be at least nine metres now"
"this is cool jeni, theres no sign of it finishing yet either" said jess scraping away with her trowel. "yes i hope its bigger than this, that means its a theogigantersaurus, the largest carnivore that ever lived" replied jeni. "could you please hurry up, we want to finish this you know" said alan quite unsympatheticly. "these things take time you know" said ellie. "patience please" she continued.
over at the sit eof the kebab shop, things were going swimmingly. "yes thats it" said fatbob directing the steel into place.
"left a bit, and the right closer to the left, that'll do" he said sighing. back at the house, bidge was brewing her nozzle tea,
when there was a loud knock at the door. "i wonder who that will be" said bidge to herself. she opened the door gingerly.
"garath what are you doing here" she gasped, very suprised to see her husband. "hi babe i've missed ya, why'd ya leave babe,
your big and your good, and your a woman, and your great babe, its tuesday babe come home"
"no garath, look i know i just dissapeared but your just soo anal, i cab't live wit hthat forever" she replied quite firmly.
"but babe your good and your big and your a woman, please come home babe, i love ya and you make great tea babe"
"look go away or i will set the sheep on you" she replied, as wilko and his kids peared round the door holding crowbars.
"ok babe, love you babe, coz your big and good and your a woman, bye babe, bye good" "what was all that about?" asked wilko relaxing his grip on a golf club. "i forgot to say goodbye i guess" said bidge. "anyway back to the tea"
1200 hours, 21,03,2004 south nozzle fields.
so many days passed all the buildings were finished, and the picket fence was up. the planting was beginnig for the edible nozzle plants. "well i can't wait till we can taste these nozzles" said jess. "yes and we don't have nasty rabbits to contend with either" said robyn frothing at the mouth. "ok calm down robyn, there gone now remember" said james trying to comfort her. "yes but those nasty evil smelly rabbits" continued robyn working herself into a bit of a panic. "ok ok robyn, here take your anti rabbit inflamitary breatherliser" said james. (who always carrys one just in case) meanwhile ellie and jeni were setting up there dinosaur in the second barn. "there finished, looks great don't it" said jeni standing back. "not bad not bad, i've seen better" said ellie. "but really it needs sideburns for a start" "yes and a rowing boat" agreed jeni. that evening in the mug and nonce, everyone was enjoying a quite drink, when two strangers walked in. "oh here we go, what have we here then" said freeman. "hello" said a tall man dressed in jungle clothing. "i'm nick morton, and this is my sherper mini nick" "hello all" said mini nick waving to everyone.
"welcome welcome, have a seat, what can i get you?" asked fatbob. "i'll have a stella please" replied nick. "same for me thanks" added mini nick. "rii, two pints of our finest stella please" called fatbob. "with ice?" asked rii. "yes please" replied mini nick.
0100 hours, 22,03,2004 mug and nonce.
"so there i was up on that mountain all on my lonesome. with nothing to eat but yak shit" said nick m, still telling storys of all his travels. "so what do you do when your not traveling" asked becca. "well i write about my travels, but most of the time i am traveling"
replied nick downing his eleventh pint. "and how did you meet mini nick?" asked jim. (jo) "well i was visiting a garage to rent an offroad vehicle, and he was working there doing up old minis" said nick. "yes and i wanted to leave anyway, so i joined him on his travels to have a little adventure" added mini nick. "well everyone it has been a good evening, but i am sure ellie and rii would like some sleep, so shall we retire to the farmhouse" said joe yawning. "yes i am tired" said sophie stretching. "lets have a quick game of something first tho" she added. "well first things first people" said joe. "surely a kebab!!!!"
"who wants another drink?" offered simon b flashing his cash. "i'll have a pint please" said viki. "yeah me too please" said alion downing her first. "anyone else?" asked simon b. "go on then" said joe, "i've only had 9!" rii came round to collect the glasses.
"what! 19 pounds for five drinks, you must be joking" "sorry simon thats what fatbob said, not my fault i'm afraid" said ellie a little embarressed. "i was thinking fatbob, now your going to have entertainments, could i play my guitar in your pub?" asked james.
"i have an even better idea, why don't we start a band" suggested fatbob, longing to play his album.
"what a wikid idea, and alion could join us too, with a little practice" said james. "cool, now we need a name" said fatbob.
"how about, indidgenous swamp cats" suggested susie. "mm maybe not" said alion trying not to sound rude.
"well we'll think of something i'm sure" said james.
0225 hours, 19,03,2004 still in the mug and nonce.
"come on people time to go, i would like to get some sleep tonight" said ellie drinking from the slop trays. "ellies right, come on lets be off" said joe in an important voice. so everyone fell out of the mug and nonce, and stumbled across the compound to the farmhouse. inside viki got the ouzo out and 42 shots glasses. "right strip monopoly anyone?" suggested julia lord.
"go on then just a couple of games" said emma lockton. "i would rather play, how do you eat yours? the cadburys cream egg game" said anna. "well maybe later, first we will play a little strip monopoly" said joe pouring another ouzo.
0345 hours, 19,03,2004 farmhouse social room.
"yey i win again" shouted emma greenhill. "oh damn thats three in a row now, how do you do it" said tom throwing his counter across the room. "are you ok julia p?" asked reena rather concerned. "you've had an awfull lot to drink tonight"
"shes fine, another beer julia?" said fatbob holding an array of bottles, and puffing on a cig all at once. "i think i'll lie down for a bit"
said julia keeling over onto the sofa, out cold. "fair enough" said suzanne. "i'll have that then shall i" she said taking a fosters of fatbob. "right i think its bedtime everyone, bidge has been in bed for 6 hours already" said joe picking himself of the floor.
"yeah i guess joes right, we have to start on the nozzles tomora remember" said debbie. "yes true, well i'm off night night everyone"
said becca. so everyone went to bed bar joe who decided to watch a television program about shoe laces of the first century,
and their influence on neolithic architecture. and fatbob of course who stayed up all night finishing his btec course work.
"well fatbob, its 7am how about a kebab?" said joe yawning. "yeah go on then" replied fatbob writing furiously.
"morning you two" said bidge walking down the stairs. "cup of tea?" "yes please jo, that reminds me time for a fag" replied fatbob.
"morning joe" said matt bounding down the stairs. "morning matt, want a brew jo's just getting one on" offered joe.
"no thanks i'll go for a run first i think" replied matt as he headed out the door onto the veranda. "why don't we have breakfast on the veranda today" suggested bidge from the kitchen. "excellant idea" said luke. so everyone comuned on the veranda for a breakfast of kebabs, nozzle toast and fresh wolfberry juice. "now today we have lots to do" began joe helping himself to slices 9 and 10 of toast
"alion, robyn and louise, you will continue your research into the nozzles. charlotte, viki and julia lord, you will go to the market in the next village to purchase some horses. some of you can finish the second barn and the kebab shop" said joe.
"right lets go for it" said wendy getting very worked up.
0900 hours, 19,03,2004 barn secter 2.
"wow this just gets better and better" said jeni unearthing yet another foot of spine. "that must be at least nine metres now"
"this is cool jeni, theres no sign of it finishing yet either" said jess scraping away with her trowel. "yes i hope its bigger than this, that means its a theogigantersaurus, the largest carnivore that ever lived" replied jeni. "could you please hurry up, we want to finish this you know" said alan quite unsympatheticly. "these things take time you know" said ellie. "patience please" she continued.
over at the sit eof the kebab shop, things were going swimmingly. "yes thats it" said fatbob directing the steel into place.
"left a bit, and the right closer to the left, that'll do" he said sighing. back at the house, bidge was brewing her nozzle tea,
when there was a loud knock at the door. "i wonder who that will be" said bidge to herself. she opened the door gingerly.
"garath what are you doing here" she gasped, very suprised to see her husband. "hi babe i've missed ya, why'd ya leave babe,
your big and your good, and your a woman, and your great babe, its tuesday babe come home"
"no garath, look i know i just dissapeared but your just soo anal, i cab't live wit hthat forever" she replied quite firmly.
"but babe your good and your big and your a woman, please come home babe, i love ya and you make great tea babe"
"look go away or i will set the sheep on you" she replied, as wilko and his kids peared round the door holding crowbars.
"ok babe, love you babe, coz your big and good and your a woman, bye babe, bye good" "what was all that about?" asked wilko relaxing his grip on a golf club. "i forgot to say goodbye i guess" said bidge. "anyway back to the tea"
1200 hours, 21,03,2004 south nozzle fields.
so many days passed all the buildings were finished, and the picket fence was up. the planting was beginnig for the edible nozzle plants. "well i can't wait till we can taste these nozzles" said jess. "yes and we don't have nasty rabbits to contend with either" said robyn frothing at the mouth. "ok calm down robyn, there gone now remember" said james trying to comfort her. "yes but those nasty evil smelly rabbits" continued robyn working herself into a bit of a panic. "ok ok robyn, here take your anti rabbit inflamitary breatherliser" said james. (who always carrys one just in case) meanwhile ellie and jeni were setting up there dinosaur in the second barn. "there finished, looks great don't it" said jeni standing back. "not bad not bad, i've seen better" said ellie. "but really it needs sideburns for a start" "yes and a rowing boat" agreed jeni. that evening in the mug and nonce, everyone was enjoying a quite drink, when two strangers walked in. "oh here we go, what have we here then" said freeman. "hello" said a tall man dressed in jungle clothing. "i'm nick morton, and this is my sherper mini nick" "hello all" said mini nick waving to everyone.
"welcome welcome, have a seat, what can i get you?" asked fatbob. "i'll have a stella please" replied nick. "same for me thanks" added mini nick. "rii, two pints of our finest stella please" called fatbob. "with ice?" asked rii. "yes please" replied mini nick.
0100 hours, 22,03,2004 mug and nonce.
"so there i was up on that mountain all on my lonesome. with nothing to eat but yak shit" said nick m, still telling storys of all his travels. "so what do you do when your not traveling" asked becca. "well i write about my travels, but most of the time i am traveling"
replied nick downing his eleventh pint. "and how did you meet mini nick?" asked jim. (jo) "well i was visiting a garage to rent an offroad vehicle, and he was working there doing up old minis" said nick. "yes and i wanted to leave anyway, so i joined him on his travels to have a little adventure" added mini nick. "well everyone it has been a good evening, but i am sure ellie and rii would like some sleep, so shall we retire to the farmhouse" said joe yawning. "yes i am tired" said sophie stretching. "lets have a quick game of something first tho" she added. "well first things first people" said joe. "surely a kebab!!!!"
Friday, 4 January 2002
CHAPTER 4 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. THE MUG AND NONCE
2000 hours, 16,03,2004 site of farm.
"well come on people i think we've had enough to drink for now" said joe analy. "oh bollocks" said ellie collapsing in a pile on the floor. "yeah we've only just begun" said fatbob, jumping up and down on the back of the truck. "ok just a few more" replied joe hurling a can of carlsberg export at the garage! so everyone had a another drink (or 20) and then began to wander towards the village for dinner. "i wonder whats cooking tonight" said arthur always thinking with his stomach. "preferably kebebs" said fatbob rubbing his stomach hard. in town everyone gathered inside the vilage hall. "weltom weltom my dood dood freinds, we eat now true?" said the village chief swigging his whisky violantly. "oh yes please" replied joe in an important voice.
so when everyone had eaten and drunk, it was time for an evening stroll. "come on people lets walk and talk" said alion,
"i have many interesting storys about celebrities, in which somehow involve me in some way" "yes i'm sure you do" said debbie sympathetically. "we won't thanks" said emily, "yes we will have an early night thanks" added carlos, "i bet you will" said sim.
joe strolled off ahead. "i beta go keep joe company" said debbie running off after him. "ooooh" said louise.
"well sons, what now? more heroin?" said wilko flinging his arms round his sons. "yeey" replied both of them at once.
"nice time for a fag i reckon" said fatbob lighting up. "me too" said neil, "oh no you don't cockmunch" said alion snatching it from his lips. "oh let me" neil said, "ok, but i would much rather you had a pipe to be honest" said alion puffing herself.
"so you alright joe" said debbie slightly nervously. "yeah i guess so" replied joe kicking a stone. "so do you like stuff" she said.
"yes yes i do"
0600 hours, 17,03,2004 breakfast camp.
"who wants bacon and egg baps" shouted fatbob, scraping some more lard out of the bag, while smoking a fag and drinking an early morning luke warm miller pilsner. "me" said rii, walking out of the hut. "ok doc, egg bacon it is" replied fatbob.
"today we will try to finish the main buildings, and start your pub fatbob" said joe writing things down on the back of a brazilian tapier. "cool, i can have my old job back" said rii munching on her bap. "and can i have a job too" asked ellie, "please fatbob"
"i guess so, you can be head of entertainments" replied fatbob, applying more lard. "cool, do i get a discount then?" she asked hopefully. "no" he replied. so when everyone had eaten, and had many a cup of tea, provided by jo of course. it was time to get on with the building. aswell as everyone pitching in, they also had the help of 60 odd villagers all very eager to help.
"now jeni, you organise 10 people to help you dig the foundations for the second barn" said joe thinking hard.
"righto" said jeni grabbing a spade. so everyone got stuck in (with no time for texts even) BANG!! went something hard when jenis spade hit it. "i wonder what that is" she thought, scraping the earth away. "i think its bone, wow it is bone, hey guys come over here" she called. "wow whats that?" asked james. "i think its a dinosaur said debbie wisely. "yes i think your right" agreed joe.
"come on people back to work" said robyn, "keep digging tho jeni" she said. "well i think this is a good site, what do you think?"
said fatbob, looking at rii and ellie. "yeah i think its perfect, just on the perimeter as it should be" replied rii measuring.
"yup go for it" added eliie, swigging from her hipflask.
1330 hours, 17,03,2004
"lunch time" called reena from her tent. so they all sat down to chat over lunch. "now people" said joe opening his checkbook.
"matt hows the first barn going?" "not bad nearly finished infact, just got to thatch the roof, should have it done by today"
"excellent, tom how about the lab?" "yup nearly done too, if you give me a few more workers i will finish it today"
"ok have 5 of neils from the second barn, jeni is still uncovering the dinosaur so its taking a while anyway"
"ok will do" replied tom. "right fatbob, the pub?" "yup have all the foundations dug, can start the oversite now" said fatbob gobbing curry down his throat. "good and the farmhouse will be finished tomorrow i hope" said joe quite pleased with himself.
"building with timber sure is quick" said allen. "sure is, no waiting for things to dry" replied joe .
"right come on back to work i'm afraid" he said swallowing his last mouthfull of tea. so after lunch, they all got back to work for the final push. "right we're done" said matt throwing his hammer to the ground. "oouch" squeeled julia p as it hit her on the head.
"oh sorry jules, no offence" said matt feeling rather anal. "thats ok, ow that hurt tho" replied julia, rubbing her head hard.
"well you can come and help me if you like" said fatbob sweating hard, "oh never start catherine, i could of played for QPR"
he said. "really QPR? wow do you know tony adams?" replied catherine excitedly. "oh yeah" replied fatbob smirking, "and once i went to the moon" "really!! wow i can't believe it" "oh don't wind her up fatbob" said sophie chopping wood. "its not her fault shes gullible" "but its so fun" replied fatbob pouting. "right we're done too" said tom about 7pm. "right i think we better pack up for the night, its getting dark" said joe. "well done everyone" so everyone made their way into the village. "wow a wimpys" said jess.
"cool, oh joe can we go in wimpys? can we please?" she said. "ok why not, this ones on me" said joe flashing his money around.
"wikid i love wimpys" said bex strutting in. "wimpy burgers all round please, and frys on the side" said joe.
"can we have naans aswell" said sarah m, "we love naan" "ok but only half each" said joe. "and 23 naans please"
so when everyone was sat round and having funl, the food arrived. "ok people dig in" said joe licking his lips. "oi luke, only half a naan each mate" said joe. "ooh sorry mate" said luke biting hard. "no seriously luke, give me the naan" said joe standing up and trying to control his temper. "ok" said luke rather surprised. "have the damn naan"
2300 hours, 17,03,2004 24 hour wimpy restaurant.
"right come on people lets be off" said jess very satisfied indeed. "yeah come on, strip monopoly anyone?" asked julia lord.
"continue my unbeaten record" she added. "yeah go on then, aint played that for ages" said suz.
so back in the hut they all played strip monopoly, and scrabble. then it was off to bed reasonably early, to get up in time to finish the pub and second barn. "see you all in the morning then guys, sleep well, tomorrow we will play darts in our new pub!" said joe
walking towards his private quarters. "can i come with you please" asked debbie smiling. "i can't sleep in there, too much noise"
0630 hours, 18,03,2004 breakfast hall.
"well when we've eaten, we will all get stuck into the pub first thing i reckon" said joe, "before we all depart i have something to tell you all" said emily standing up proudly. "carlos and i are going to be parents!!" "arrr thats soo sweet" said debbie laughing,
"oh that voice of hers" said simon b, "cuts like a nife" "you'll get used to it, we all did" said suz sympatheticly.
"thats marvelous news" said joe raising his glass. "to emily and carlos, may all be well inside her" he said proudly.
so after breakfast everyone bar jeni who was still investigating the skeleton, went to work on the pub. "now people listen to fastbobs instructions, because he knows what the wants" said joe. "now" began fatbob. "we will want two bars, and a lounge area, plus a dart arena, and a nice roomy upstairs for me to live in" "its not fair fatbob gets his own house" complained emma g.
"yes well life isn't fair i guess" said wendy reading the highway code, "now i'm sure they didn't mention running people over in here"
she pondered. "don't worry wendy, if i can do it anyone can" said emma l. hammering two bits of wood together.
so that evening about 730, they finally finished, alion had been off in the lab most of the day with louise, trying to work out how to make nozzles non toxic. "well people, well done you've all worked very hard" said joe puffing after all his excertion."yes i name this pub the mug and nonce" shouted fatbob, swinging a bottle of jack daniels at the front door. "HOORAY" everyone shouted at once. "come on everyone lets have a pint"
"well come on people i think we've had enough to drink for now" said joe analy. "oh bollocks" said ellie collapsing in a pile on the floor. "yeah we've only just begun" said fatbob, jumping up and down on the back of the truck. "ok just a few more" replied joe hurling a can of carlsberg export at the garage! so everyone had a another drink (or 20) and then began to wander towards the village for dinner. "i wonder whats cooking tonight" said arthur always thinking with his stomach. "preferably kebebs" said fatbob rubbing his stomach hard. in town everyone gathered inside the vilage hall. "weltom weltom my dood dood freinds, we eat now true?" said the village chief swigging his whisky violantly. "oh yes please" replied joe in an important voice.
so when everyone had eaten and drunk, it was time for an evening stroll. "come on people lets walk and talk" said alion,
"i have many interesting storys about celebrities, in which somehow involve me in some way" "yes i'm sure you do" said debbie sympathetically. "we won't thanks" said emily, "yes we will have an early night thanks" added carlos, "i bet you will" said sim.
joe strolled off ahead. "i beta go keep joe company" said debbie running off after him. "ooooh" said louise.
"well sons, what now? more heroin?" said wilko flinging his arms round his sons. "yeey" replied both of them at once.
"nice time for a fag i reckon" said fatbob lighting up. "me too" said neil, "oh no you don't cockmunch" said alion snatching it from his lips. "oh let me" neil said, "ok, but i would much rather you had a pipe to be honest" said alion puffing herself.
"so you alright joe" said debbie slightly nervously. "yeah i guess so" replied joe kicking a stone. "so do you like stuff" she said.
"yes yes i do"
0600 hours, 17,03,2004 breakfast camp.
"who wants bacon and egg baps" shouted fatbob, scraping some more lard out of the bag, while smoking a fag and drinking an early morning luke warm miller pilsner. "me" said rii, walking out of the hut. "ok doc, egg bacon it is" replied fatbob.
"today we will try to finish the main buildings, and start your pub fatbob" said joe writing things down on the back of a brazilian tapier. "cool, i can have my old job back" said rii munching on her bap. "and can i have a job too" asked ellie, "please fatbob"
"i guess so, you can be head of entertainments" replied fatbob, applying more lard. "cool, do i get a discount then?" she asked hopefully. "no" he replied. so when everyone had eaten, and had many a cup of tea, provided by jo of course. it was time to get on with the building. aswell as everyone pitching in, they also had the help of 60 odd villagers all very eager to help.
"now jeni, you organise 10 people to help you dig the foundations for the second barn" said joe thinking hard.
"righto" said jeni grabbing a spade. so everyone got stuck in (with no time for texts even) BANG!! went something hard when jenis spade hit it. "i wonder what that is" she thought, scraping the earth away. "i think its bone, wow it is bone, hey guys come over here" she called. "wow whats that?" asked james. "i think its a dinosaur said debbie wisely. "yes i think your right" agreed joe.
"come on people back to work" said robyn, "keep digging tho jeni" she said. "well i think this is a good site, what do you think?"
said fatbob, looking at rii and ellie. "yeah i think its perfect, just on the perimeter as it should be" replied rii measuring.
"yup go for it" added eliie, swigging from her hipflask.
1330 hours, 17,03,2004
"lunch time" called reena from her tent. so they all sat down to chat over lunch. "now people" said joe opening his checkbook.
"matt hows the first barn going?" "not bad nearly finished infact, just got to thatch the roof, should have it done by today"
"excellent, tom how about the lab?" "yup nearly done too, if you give me a few more workers i will finish it today"
"ok have 5 of neils from the second barn, jeni is still uncovering the dinosaur so its taking a while anyway"
"ok will do" replied tom. "right fatbob, the pub?" "yup have all the foundations dug, can start the oversite now" said fatbob gobbing curry down his throat. "good and the farmhouse will be finished tomorrow i hope" said joe quite pleased with himself.
"building with timber sure is quick" said allen. "sure is, no waiting for things to dry" replied joe .
"right come on back to work i'm afraid" he said swallowing his last mouthfull of tea. so after lunch, they all got back to work for the final push. "right we're done" said matt throwing his hammer to the ground. "oouch" squeeled julia p as it hit her on the head.
"oh sorry jules, no offence" said matt feeling rather anal. "thats ok, ow that hurt tho" replied julia, rubbing her head hard.
"well you can come and help me if you like" said fatbob sweating hard, "oh never start catherine, i could of played for QPR"
he said. "really QPR? wow do you know tony adams?" replied catherine excitedly. "oh yeah" replied fatbob smirking, "and once i went to the moon" "really!! wow i can't believe it" "oh don't wind her up fatbob" said sophie chopping wood. "its not her fault shes gullible" "but its so fun" replied fatbob pouting. "right we're done too" said tom about 7pm. "right i think we better pack up for the night, its getting dark" said joe. "well done everyone" so everyone made their way into the village. "wow a wimpys" said jess.
"cool, oh joe can we go in wimpys? can we please?" she said. "ok why not, this ones on me" said joe flashing his money around.
"wikid i love wimpys" said bex strutting in. "wimpy burgers all round please, and frys on the side" said joe.
"can we have naans aswell" said sarah m, "we love naan" "ok but only half each" said joe. "and 23 naans please"
so when everyone was sat round and having funl, the food arrived. "ok people dig in" said joe licking his lips. "oi luke, only half a naan each mate" said joe. "ooh sorry mate" said luke biting hard. "no seriously luke, give me the naan" said joe standing up and trying to control his temper. "ok" said luke rather surprised. "have the damn naan"
2300 hours, 17,03,2004 24 hour wimpy restaurant.
"right come on people lets be off" said jess very satisfied indeed. "yeah come on, strip monopoly anyone?" asked julia lord.
"continue my unbeaten record" she added. "yeah go on then, aint played that for ages" said suz.
so back in the hut they all played strip monopoly, and scrabble. then it was off to bed reasonably early, to get up in time to finish the pub and second barn. "see you all in the morning then guys, sleep well, tomorrow we will play darts in our new pub!" said joe
walking towards his private quarters. "can i come with you please" asked debbie smiling. "i can't sleep in there, too much noise"
0630 hours, 18,03,2004 breakfast hall.
"well when we've eaten, we will all get stuck into the pub first thing i reckon" said joe, "before we all depart i have something to tell you all" said emily standing up proudly. "carlos and i are going to be parents!!" "arrr thats soo sweet" said debbie laughing,
"oh that voice of hers" said simon b, "cuts like a nife" "you'll get used to it, we all did" said suz sympatheticly.
"thats marvelous news" said joe raising his glass. "to emily and carlos, may all be well inside her" he said proudly.
so after breakfast everyone bar jeni who was still investigating the skeleton, went to work on the pub. "now people listen to fastbobs instructions, because he knows what the wants" said joe. "now" began fatbob. "we will want two bars, and a lounge area, plus a dart arena, and a nice roomy upstairs for me to live in" "its not fair fatbob gets his own house" complained emma g.
"yes well life isn't fair i guess" said wendy reading the highway code, "now i'm sure they didn't mention running people over in here"
she pondered. "don't worry wendy, if i can do it anyone can" said emma l. hammering two bits of wood together.
so that evening about 730, they finally finished, alion had been off in the lab most of the day with louise, trying to work out how to make nozzles non toxic. "well people, well done you've all worked very hard" said joe puffing after all his excertion."yes i name this pub the mug and nonce" shouted fatbob, swinging a bottle of jack daniels at the front door. "HOORAY" everyone shouted at once. "come on everyone lets have a pint"
Thursday, 3 January 2002
CHAPTER 3 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. VILLAGERS TOUCHE
0400 hours,14,03,2004 2 miles outside qoutak.
"now when we arrive, first things first we must meet with the village chief" said joe in an important voice."yes we must have their complete support" agreed debbie, "its funny" whispered james to robyn, "but joe and debbie seem to be getting on very well, considering their divorced and all" "yes, well maybe their regretting it" replied robyn pondering, "STOP" shouted fatbob, "what" asked alion, "theres a pub" replied fatbob, "right everyone out, my round" said joe jumping out of the truck,
so inside it was mooters beer all round, (mooters being the only beer in zambia) "so have we got to build a farm this time then"
asked arthur, holding double pints, "yes we will have to start with wood, and eventually we will build a proper farmhouse"
replied joe, opening another packet of peanuts, "and we will have to build sheds and barns too" said matt, getting out some tesco sultanas from his bag. "yes thats right, but we will have lots of help" said joe, "and also we will have to buy some cattle to work some of the machinery, and carry goods to and fro" said louise, looking forward to using her vetting abilities.
"right come on lads drink up, said simon freeman, swallowing hard. back on the road they soon reached their destination.
as they drove throught qoutak, lots of little brown faces came running up to the truck, laughing and talking.
"arr look at the little guys" said debbie. when everyone had got off the truck, joe walked up to someone who looked responsible.
"excuse me, can i speak with your chief please" he asked slowly, "yes yes dis way please" replied the tall man, in pidgeon english. the man lead joe into a large hut with painted walls, and lots of rugs on the floor, there was the chief sitting on a large wicker chair, with a flagon of whisky, the man said something to him in swahili, "arr dis is good what dat man say" said the chief getting up off his seat to shake joes hand. "hello i am joe paul, nice to meet you" said joe curteously.
"hello, me barry smith" replied the chief, "thats not a very african name is it" said joe quite surprised, "na my father was scottish" replied barry. "ok" said joe slightly startled. "anyway the reason i am here, is that i am planning on starting a nozzle farm up the road and i was hoping that you would let me use some of your villagers to help build it. and maybe give us somewhere to stay just while we build finish building it" "oh yes yes dat not problem notsoever" replied barry, offering him some whisky.
"oh thankyou, but i must be off now too get unpacked" said joe, so shaking everyones hands, he made his way back outside.
"everything ok joe?" asked tom, "yup we're sorted" replied joe, "and we can stay in the village till we get some acomadation ready at the site" "cool" said rii, so they all piled back into the truck and made the final half mile trip to a vast clearing.
"this looks perfect" said sophie. so when everything had been unpacked, everyone made the short walk back down the hill to the village, in the warm dusk air, with only the sound of crickets and other insects in the still air.
0500 hours, 15,03,2004 qoutak village.
"come on people, get up there is things to do" said joe quite anally, kicking james in the knackers in his sleeping bag.
"ok ok i'm up" said james rolling onto the floor. everyone was staying in a large wooden hut, and the villagers had promised them all breakfast. so when everyone was up and dressed, they all headed towards the main eating hall, in the centre of the village.
inside there was a lovely array of continental brunch, croissants, fruit salad, chocolate chip rolls and fresh squeezed orange juice.
"and i thought it was supposed to be uncivilised out here" said tom tucking in. so when everyone had eaten, and chatted about the day activities, it was time to get to work on the main farm building. "now barry, can we borrow some of your villagers to help us gather wood for our farm, we will pay them of course" said joe in an important voice. "yes yes, dis very good ting dat you me tell"
said barry rubbing his hands. "brilliant" said fatbob, taking another helping of flaun. so the chief lead everyone outside and to the village hall, where everyone was gathered, holding spades, forks and other building implements, one tall man even had a kango hammer.
0900 hours, 15,03,2004 site of farm.
so everyone got stuck in to the clearing of the area. "so when will we see ellie and everyone else?" asked charlotte.
"ar well i am supposed to ring Dr drakes today, to find out what is happening to them" replied joe. "hopefully they will be ready to meet tomorrow" so later that day, while they were having there tea break joe rang Dr Drakes. "yes hello Dr, oh i see, great thankyou" "so" asked reena. "well we can meet them at the airport, tomorrow morning" replied joe looking pleased.
"brilliant" said julia percival, who had been missing her best friend rather alot. "so joe can i build my pub now" asked fatbob.
"well i would rather we finish building the main farmhouse before starting any other major projects" answered joe, while sawing up a log with a nail file. "ok" said fatbob sounding rather disapointed. "once this is up, we can start everything else. we will need a lab, at least 2 barns for storing and sorting the nozzles, a cow shed for the cattle, your pub and of course the kebab shop" said joe getting very excited. so that evening everyone headed back to the village for dinner. "so what are we eating tonight?" asked luke, rubbing his belly. "well whatever they have to offer us" replied joe. inside the main eating hall all the village was gathered. emily and carlos reseived their food and then went off to eat alone. everyone else gathered around a vast table and dug in. "so simon" said charlotte, looking at simon clark. "are you really a super hero?" "well yeah, i was born with 4 stomachs, and the power to store power in my bladder" replied simon, sortingt through his food. "i see, so can you polish a turd?" asked charlotte. "don't be stupid, you can't polish a turd" replied simon. after dinner neil went to work on the farm again, "you not staying for kareoke?" asked alion.
"can't i'm working late tonight" he said stroling off. so when all the tables had been cleared, it was time for kareoke, hosted by tiny guy. a 3' 7" midget named gaston. (he was a french camaroon) monty was up there like a shot to sing her version of spiderwebs by no doubt. to much applause and lots of flying bottles, mainly from simon b. "good news everyone" said joe standing on a chair.
"sim is coming over with ellie and the guys to work in fatbobs pub. he was sacked from the okapi and penguin, for selling beer to 9 year olds" "wicked, we can terrorise him" said alion skipping round the hut. "yeah and get him pissed" said fatbob, smoking heavily and counting hie coppers to see if he had enough money to buy a cup of rosy lea, from the dispenser machine.
so when many a merry time had been had by all, and charlotte had pulled super simon, plus simon freeman and alan had had many a downing competition. it was time to go home.
0700 hours, 16,03,2004 camp site for the intrepid explorers.
"right who wants to come with me to the airport?" asked joe putting on his trainers. "i will" replied julia, trying not to fall out of the tent, while pulling on her jumper. "yeah why not" said ingham, saves me working. "anyone else" asked joe. " i will" spoke up jess. "i obviously won't be in the story unless i do, so i don't see why not" "right lets go, no time for breakfast i'm afraid, only a quick cup of tea" so half an hour later they were off. meanwhile lead by debbie, everyone carried on with farmhouse, "now come on people"
she said cracking her whip!. "we have to finish this today" "but what if it rains" asked jo cross. "SILENCE" shouted debbie smacking jo across the face. at the airport, joe, jess, ingham and julia percival, were all waiting in the entrance lobby for their beloved friends. (and ellie, hehe) "here they come" said jess. "ELLIE!" shouted julia running obver to her, as she passed through the security barriers. "julia, how are you?" said ellie looking tired form the long trip. "not not, you look very well" replied julia.
"hey! catherine, susie and suz!" said joe as they also appeared. "this is soo cool, all the guys back together again" said jess in hysterics. "yes now who wants mcdonalds" said joe, "me!!!" said catherine, "i'm starving" "well you haven't eaten in 3 years" said jess. "very true" pondered catherine.
1300 hours, 16,03,2004 site of proposed farm.
"who wants salsa on toast" shouted alion, from her tent. "everyone i think" shouted back viki. just then matt came out of the trees.
"first thing we are installing is toilets" he said, zipping up his flys. "lunch is ready" shouted alion very loudly from her tent, walking out with a huge tray of toast and cheese. "yey food" said arthur grabbing quite some considerable quantities of toast.
"oi greedy, save some for me" said julia lord. "you always did this when i worked in cravings" "yeah whatever" replied arthur scoffing away. "hey here comes joe and the guys" said jeni, pearing through her binoculers. "hooray, everyone back together again" said anna waving her arms madly. as the truck pulled up, everyone gathered around to see what was happening.
"stand back please, they are a little tired, they've had a long flight" said joe.
out stepped ellie and suzanne and everyone else, even sim was there looking even taller. (he had grown 4"s during the flight!!)
"well everyone come on lets have a drink to celebrate!!!!!!
"now when we arrive, first things first we must meet with the village chief" said joe in an important voice."yes we must have their complete support" agreed debbie, "its funny" whispered james to robyn, "but joe and debbie seem to be getting on very well, considering their divorced and all" "yes, well maybe their regretting it" replied robyn pondering, "STOP" shouted fatbob, "what" asked alion, "theres a pub" replied fatbob, "right everyone out, my round" said joe jumping out of the truck,
so inside it was mooters beer all round, (mooters being the only beer in zambia) "so have we got to build a farm this time then"
asked arthur, holding double pints, "yes we will have to start with wood, and eventually we will build a proper farmhouse"
replied joe, opening another packet of peanuts, "and we will have to build sheds and barns too" said matt, getting out some tesco sultanas from his bag. "yes thats right, but we will have lots of help" said joe, "and also we will have to buy some cattle to work some of the machinery, and carry goods to and fro" said louise, looking forward to using her vetting abilities.
"right come on lads drink up, said simon freeman, swallowing hard. back on the road they soon reached their destination.
as they drove throught qoutak, lots of little brown faces came running up to the truck, laughing and talking.
"arr look at the little guys" said debbie. when everyone had got off the truck, joe walked up to someone who looked responsible.
"excuse me, can i speak with your chief please" he asked slowly, "yes yes dis way please" replied the tall man, in pidgeon english. the man lead joe into a large hut with painted walls, and lots of rugs on the floor, there was the chief sitting on a large wicker chair, with a flagon of whisky, the man said something to him in swahili, "arr dis is good what dat man say" said the chief getting up off his seat to shake joes hand. "hello i am joe paul, nice to meet you" said joe curteously.
"hello, me barry smith" replied the chief, "thats not a very african name is it" said joe quite surprised, "na my father was scottish" replied barry. "ok" said joe slightly startled. "anyway the reason i am here, is that i am planning on starting a nozzle farm up the road and i was hoping that you would let me use some of your villagers to help build it. and maybe give us somewhere to stay just while we build finish building it" "oh yes yes dat not problem notsoever" replied barry, offering him some whisky.
"oh thankyou, but i must be off now too get unpacked" said joe, so shaking everyones hands, he made his way back outside.
"everything ok joe?" asked tom, "yup we're sorted" replied joe, "and we can stay in the village till we get some acomadation ready at the site" "cool" said rii, so they all piled back into the truck and made the final half mile trip to a vast clearing.
"this looks perfect" said sophie. so when everything had been unpacked, everyone made the short walk back down the hill to the village, in the warm dusk air, with only the sound of crickets and other insects in the still air.
0500 hours, 15,03,2004 qoutak village.
"come on people, get up there is things to do" said joe quite anally, kicking james in the knackers in his sleeping bag.
"ok ok i'm up" said james rolling onto the floor. everyone was staying in a large wooden hut, and the villagers had promised them all breakfast. so when everyone was up and dressed, they all headed towards the main eating hall, in the centre of the village.
inside there was a lovely array of continental brunch, croissants, fruit salad, chocolate chip rolls and fresh squeezed orange juice.
"and i thought it was supposed to be uncivilised out here" said tom tucking in. so when everyone had eaten, and chatted about the day activities, it was time to get to work on the main farm building. "now barry, can we borrow some of your villagers to help us gather wood for our farm, we will pay them of course" said joe in an important voice. "yes yes, dis very good ting dat you me tell"
said barry rubbing his hands. "brilliant" said fatbob, taking another helping of flaun. so the chief lead everyone outside and to the village hall, where everyone was gathered, holding spades, forks and other building implements, one tall man even had a kango hammer.
0900 hours, 15,03,2004 site of farm.
so everyone got stuck in to the clearing of the area. "so when will we see ellie and everyone else?" asked charlotte.
"ar well i am supposed to ring Dr drakes today, to find out what is happening to them" replied joe. "hopefully they will be ready to meet tomorrow" so later that day, while they were having there tea break joe rang Dr Drakes. "yes hello Dr, oh i see, great thankyou" "so" asked reena. "well we can meet them at the airport, tomorrow morning" replied joe looking pleased.
"brilliant" said julia percival, who had been missing her best friend rather alot. "so joe can i build my pub now" asked fatbob.
"well i would rather we finish building the main farmhouse before starting any other major projects" answered joe, while sawing up a log with a nail file. "ok" said fatbob sounding rather disapointed. "once this is up, we can start everything else. we will need a lab, at least 2 barns for storing and sorting the nozzles, a cow shed for the cattle, your pub and of course the kebab shop" said joe getting very excited. so that evening everyone headed back to the village for dinner. "so what are we eating tonight?" asked luke, rubbing his belly. "well whatever they have to offer us" replied joe. inside the main eating hall all the village was gathered. emily and carlos reseived their food and then went off to eat alone. everyone else gathered around a vast table and dug in. "so simon" said charlotte, looking at simon clark. "are you really a super hero?" "well yeah, i was born with 4 stomachs, and the power to store power in my bladder" replied simon, sortingt through his food. "i see, so can you polish a turd?" asked charlotte. "don't be stupid, you can't polish a turd" replied simon. after dinner neil went to work on the farm again, "you not staying for kareoke?" asked alion.
"can't i'm working late tonight" he said stroling off. so when all the tables had been cleared, it was time for kareoke, hosted by tiny guy. a 3' 7" midget named gaston. (he was a french camaroon) monty was up there like a shot to sing her version of spiderwebs by no doubt. to much applause and lots of flying bottles, mainly from simon b. "good news everyone" said joe standing on a chair.
"sim is coming over with ellie and the guys to work in fatbobs pub. he was sacked from the okapi and penguin, for selling beer to 9 year olds" "wicked, we can terrorise him" said alion skipping round the hut. "yeah and get him pissed" said fatbob, smoking heavily and counting hie coppers to see if he had enough money to buy a cup of rosy lea, from the dispenser machine.
so when many a merry time had been had by all, and charlotte had pulled super simon, plus simon freeman and alan had had many a downing competition. it was time to go home.
0700 hours, 16,03,2004 camp site for the intrepid explorers.
"right who wants to come with me to the airport?" asked joe putting on his trainers. "i will" replied julia, trying not to fall out of the tent, while pulling on her jumper. "yeah why not" said ingham, saves me working. "anyone else" asked joe. " i will" spoke up jess. "i obviously won't be in the story unless i do, so i don't see why not" "right lets go, no time for breakfast i'm afraid, only a quick cup of tea" so half an hour later they were off. meanwhile lead by debbie, everyone carried on with farmhouse, "now come on people"
she said cracking her whip!. "we have to finish this today" "but what if it rains" asked jo cross. "SILENCE" shouted debbie smacking jo across the face. at the airport, joe, jess, ingham and julia percival, were all waiting in the entrance lobby for their beloved friends. (and ellie, hehe) "here they come" said jess. "ELLIE!" shouted julia running obver to her, as she passed through the security barriers. "julia, how are you?" said ellie looking tired form the long trip. "not not, you look very well" replied julia.
"hey! catherine, susie and suz!" said joe as they also appeared. "this is soo cool, all the guys back together again" said jess in hysterics. "yes now who wants mcdonalds" said joe, "me!!!" said catherine, "i'm starving" "well you haven't eaten in 3 years" said jess. "very true" pondered catherine.
1300 hours, 16,03,2004 site of proposed farm.
"who wants salsa on toast" shouted alion, from her tent. "everyone i think" shouted back viki. just then matt came out of the trees.
"first thing we are installing is toilets" he said, zipping up his flys. "lunch is ready" shouted alion very loudly from her tent, walking out with a huge tray of toast and cheese. "yey food" said arthur grabbing quite some considerable quantities of toast.
"oi greedy, save some for me" said julia lord. "you always did this when i worked in cravings" "yeah whatever" replied arthur scoffing away. "hey here comes joe and the guys" said jeni, pearing through her binoculers. "hooray, everyone back together again" said anna waving her arms madly. as the truck pulled up, everyone gathered around to see what was happening.
"stand back please, they are a little tired, they've had a long flight" said joe.
out stepped ellie and suzanne and everyone else, even sim was there looking even taller. (he had grown 4"s during the flight!!)
"well everyone come on lets have a drink to celebrate!!!!!!
Wednesday, 2 January 2002
CHAPTER 2 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. HEROS AND SHEEP
2200 hours, 12,03,2004
"zambia!!" said charlotte quite amazed, "yes zambia, a small village called qoutak to be precise" replied joe,
"well just a few miles up the road from it" "this is a brilliant idea" added jess, "yes but why zambia?" asked alion.
"because, their is very little food, and very little work in zambia, so i figured we could genetically modify our original nozzles,
to feed the poor people of qoutak, and we could also employ the villagers to work on the land" said joe, excitedly.
"genius" added fatbob, lighting up yet again, "but wait a minute" said arthur, all our nozzles and stuff are back in the ruins of our farmhouse in tollyhot" "well we will just have to go back won't we" replied joe. "yes and we can collect some of our worldly posessions while we are there" added james, "yes good idea" said julia p, "right come on people" said luke, "to the plane"
on board everyone laughed and joked, and remembered the good times they had had back in the day, "this new farm is going to be so cool" said anna, "we can play strip monopoly again, and scrabble" "yes and we never did finish that darts competition" added alion, "no very true" replied joe, "how about it debbie you game for keeping up our unbeaten record?" he asked,
"yeah sure" replied debbie smiling.
0930 hours, 13,03,2004 gatwick airport
"well here we all are again" said tom stretching as he stepped off the plane, "well yeah except ellie, suz, catherine and susie, said julia, "but they will be with us soon" added emma g. "right where's the nearest pub" said fatbob licking his lips.
"theres the queen of dweesberg, just up the road" replied joe, counting his notes, so off went everyone to the pub, to discuss what to do next. "well i think we should hire a minibus to start with, so we can get everything into it" said joe in an important voice.
"yes and then we can take it all to the airport" added viki, "good, right come on people drinkup and we'll be off" said jess,
(in a very friendly not atal officious voice mind) so off went everyone to find a hire place, eventually they found "hire a deathtrap"
"this looks like the sort of place we want" said matt eyeing it up. so off they all went, playing kid a all the way.
1230 hours, 13,03,2004 site of tollyhot farmhouse
"my goodness what a mess" said emily close to tears, the whole area was overgrown with weeds and trifids.
"lets go inside" said joe. so simon f and simon c barged throught the back door into the kitchen, "what a mess" said louise,
everything had been tipped over and emptied all over the floor. "my guitar" said james extatic with pleasure.
"my curry recipes" said reena, "arrr our strip monopoly" said julia l remembering back to those happy days.
"lets go into the living room" said robyn, "my god" screamed emma l, there on the sofa was wilko!! "what the hell are you doing here?" asked louise. "arr there you are, hows things?" replied wilko injecting himself with heroin. "your still alive" wondered wendy aloud. "no i died i really died, course i didn't i'm here you nonce" replied wilko anally. "ok ok i'm just thinking things through"
said wendy crossly. "so how come you survived the aliens" asked james, "well i struck a little deal thats all" he replied smugly.
"well i don't believe it, wilko a traiter" said robyn astonished. "i am not, i just exchanged a few goods for my personal wellbeing"
"anyway theres no time for arguments, lets gather our things and get out of here" said joe in a hurry to be off.
"hang on wheres baataur then" asked jeni, "ar well he's ok, he's cooking dinner at the mo" wilko answered relaxing on the chair.
"well if your coming with us to zambia. you better get off your fat arse and follow us" said tom. "well if i must, but can i bring pecorella?" "whos pecorella?" asked debbie, "hes my son, its italian for little sheep, hes baataurs half brother" replied wilko casually. "well ok then" answered joe. so off went everyone crammed into their little bus, all 39 of them!!!
1400 hours, 13,03,2004 heathrow airport, departure lounge
"excuse me when is our flight expected?" alion asked a flight attendent. "in half an hour miss" replied a man named neil.
"my god your fit aren't you" said alion jumping up and down. "why yes i am" replied neil "have a fag" he offered, "no thanks i only smoke a pipe" she replied lighting up seductively. "ar a sophisticated mama hey? i like it" he said smirking.
"come to zambia with us" she said, "there will be monopoly, scrabble, picnics and everso many romantic misunderstandings" asked alion, "ok" said neil hanging up his easyjet jacket. "yey" said alion jumping even more. "look everyone i've got another one for the trip" she said dragging him over to the others. "cool" said luke. "oh heres our flight, come on people here we go" said joe.
on board it was time to sleep, relax and chat. "so who are you exactly" asked jo pouring out a brew, and looking at neil.
"well i used to be a lifeguard till 2 years ago, but i was sacked for raping a pidgeon on the flumes" replied neil, "then i joined easyjet but there money is crap, so i figured i would come with you" "here have some out of date halloween sweets" offered a tall man dressed in army type gear and gozzling a guiness. "cheers man" said arthur grabbing a whole handfull. "so who are you?" asked sophie. "i'm alan member of the popular peoples judean front" replied alan. "cool" said sophie, "so why are you going to zambia?" she asked. "i'm hoping to find some work out there" he replied, "maybe something manual" "well you could come work with us, we're starting a nozzle farm" said sophie getting rather over excited. "ok cool, aslong as there is a crown pub"
"thats ok i'm opening a pub when we arrive and a kebab shop" butted in fatbob, "excuse me sir" said a member of staff.
"please refrain from smoking on board please" "well!! you can't do anything on planes nowadays, outragious" said fatbob, putting out his fag on alions head. "attention passengers, we seem to be experiencing severe turbulence, please put your seatbelts on and hold on tight, "fuck its windy innit" said fatbob, smoking out the open window! "fatbob! shut the window you nonce you'll kill us all" said rii, shouting over the din of wind rushing through the aircraft. "ok ok no need to be rude" he said slamming the window,
"OW!!" screamed julia p, as her arm was crushed in the window, "oh sorry julia, here have another beer" offered fatbob,
"ok" she replied, now holding 7!!
2400 hours, 13,03.2004 zambia international airport
"well here we all are" said joe tearing the top of a packet of roasted peanuts. "yes to qoutak and beyond" said james.
"right we need an offroad truck or something" said sarah m. "yes to the truck garage" said becca, "and the lion will roar on board ship" "you worry me sometimes becca" said emily, clinging onto carlos. so when they had bought a truck and loaded everything up it was time to buy a guide and some fags for fatbob, plus lots of essential items, such as medical eqipment and teabags.
and off they all were again. "theres nothing like adventure" said simon b. "yes may we have many a happy sunny day, without too many deaths or mass suicides" said joe, "we will prefail!!!!!!
"zambia!!" said charlotte quite amazed, "yes zambia, a small village called qoutak to be precise" replied joe,
"well just a few miles up the road from it" "this is a brilliant idea" added jess, "yes but why zambia?" asked alion.
"because, their is very little food, and very little work in zambia, so i figured we could genetically modify our original nozzles,
to feed the poor people of qoutak, and we could also employ the villagers to work on the land" said joe, excitedly.
"genius" added fatbob, lighting up yet again, "but wait a minute" said arthur, all our nozzles and stuff are back in the ruins of our farmhouse in tollyhot" "well we will just have to go back won't we" replied joe. "yes and we can collect some of our worldly posessions while we are there" added james, "yes good idea" said julia p, "right come on people" said luke, "to the plane"
on board everyone laughed and joked, and remembered the good times they had had back in the day, "this new farm is going to be so cool" said anna, "we can play strip monopoly again, and scrabble" "yes and we never did finish that darts competition" added alion, "no very true" replied joe, "how about it debbie you game for keeping up our unbeaten record?" he asked,
"yeah sure" replied debbie smiling.
0930 hours, 13,03,2004 gatwick airport
"well here we all are again" said tom stretching as he stepped off the plane, "well yeah except ellie, suz, catherine and susie, said julia, "but they will be with us soon" added emma g. "right where's the nearest pub" said fatbob licking his lips.
"theres the queen of dweesberg, just up the road" replied joe, counting his notes, so off went everyone to the pub, to discuss what to do next. "well i think we should hire a minibus to start with, so we can get everything into it" said joe in an important voice.
"yes and then we can take it all to the airport" added viki, "good, right come on people drinkup and we'll be off" said jess,
(in a very friendly not atal officious voice mind) so off went everyone to find a hire place, eventually they found "hire a deathtrap"
"this looks like the sort of place we want" said matt eyeing it up. so off they all went, playing kid a all the way.
1230 hours, 13,03,2004 site of tollyhot farmhouse
"my goodness what a mess" said emily close to tears, the whole area was overgrown with weeds and trifids.
"lets go inside" said joe. so simon f and simon c barged throught the back door into the kitchen, "what a mess" said louise,
everything had been tipped over and emptied all over the floor. "my guitar" said james extatic with pleasure.
"my curry recipes" said reena, "arrr our strip monopoly" said julia l remembering back to those happy days.
"lets go into the living room" said robyn, "my god" screamed emma l, there on the sofa was wilko!! "what the hell are you doing here?" asked louise. "arr there you are, hows things?" replied wilko injecting himself with heroin. "your still alive" wondered wendy aloud. "no i died i really died, course i didn't i'm here you nonce" replied wilko anally. "ok ok i'm just thinking things through"
said wendy crossly. "so how come you survived the aliens" asked james, "well i struck a little deal thats all" he replied smugly.
"well i don't believe it, wilko a traiter" said robyn astonished. "i am not, i just exchanged a few goods for my personal wellbeing"
"anyway theres no time for arguments, lets gather our things and get out of here" said joe in a hurry to be off.
"hang on wheres baataur then" asked jeni, "ar well he's ok, he's cooking dinner at the mo" wilko answered relaxing on the chair.
"well if your coming with us to zambia. you better get off your fat arse and follow us" said tom. "well if i must, but can i bring pecorella?" "whos pecorella?" asked debbie, "hes my son, its italian for little sheep, hes baataurs half brother" replied wilko casually. "well ok then" answered joe. so off went everyone crammed into their little bus, all 39 of them!!!
1400 hours, 13,03,2004 heathrow airport, departure lounge
"excuse me when is our flight expected?" alion asked a flight attendent. "in half an hour miss" replied a man named neil.
"my god your fit aren't you" said alion jumping up and down. "why yes i am" replied neil "have a fag" he offered, "no thanks i only smoke a pipe" she replied lighting up seductively. "ar a sophisticated mama hey? i like it" he said smirking.
"come to zambia with us" she said, "there will be monopoly, scrabble, picnics and everso many romantic misunderstandings" asked alion, "ok" said neil hanging up his easyjet jacket. "yey" said alion jumping even more. "look everyone i've got another one for the trip" she said dragging him over to the others. "cool" said luke. "oh heres our flight, come on people here we go" said joe.
on board it was time to sleep, relax and chat. "so who are you exactly" asked jo pouring out a brew, and looking at neil.
"well i used to be a lifeguard till 2 years ago, but i was sacked for raping a pidgeon on the flumes" replied neil, "then i joined easyjet but there money is crap, so i figured i would come with you" "here have some out of date halloween sweets" offered a tall man dressed in army type gear and gozzling a guiness. "cheers man" said arthur grabbing a whole handfull. "so who are you?" asked sophie. "i'm alan member of the popular peoples judean front" replied alan. "cool" said sophie, "so why are you going to zambia?" she asked. "i'm hoping to find some work out there" he replied, "maybe something manual" "well you could come work with us, we're starting a nozzle farm" said sophie getting rather over excited. "ok cool, aslong as there is a crown pub"
"thats ok i'm opening a pub when we arrive and a kebab shop" butted in fatbob, "excuse me sir" said a member of staff.
"please refrain from smoking on board please" "well!! you can't do anything on planes nowadays, outragious" said fatbob, putting out his fag on alions head. "attention passengers, we seem to be experiencing severe turbulence, please put your seatbelts on and hold on tight, "fuck its windy innit" said fatbob, smoking out the open window! "fatbob! shut the window you nonce you'll kill us all" said rii, shouting over the din of wind rushing through the aircraft. "ok ok no need to be rude" he said slamming the window,
"OW!!" screamed julia p, as her arm was crushed in the window, "oh sorry julia, here have another beer" offered fatbob,
"ok" she replied, now holding 7!!
2400 hours, 13,03.2004 zambia international airport
"well here we all are" said joe tearing the top of a packet of roasted peanuts. "yes to qoutak and beyond" said james.
"right we need an offroad truck or something" said sarah m. "yes to the truck garage" said becca, "and the lion will roar on board ship" "you worry me sometimes becca" said emily, clinging onto carlos. so when they had bought a truck and loaded everything up it was time to buy a guide and some fags for fatbob, plus lots of essential items, such as medical eqipment and teabags.
and off they all were again. "theres nothing like adventure" said simon b. "yes may we have many a happy sunny day, without too many deaths or mass suicides" said joe, "we will prefail!!!!!!
Tuesday, 1 January 2002
CHAPTER 1 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. A CRAZY DISCOVERY
2200 hours, 11,03,2004
debbie was sitting by the fire, in her small cave in iceland, when the phone rang loudly, "i wonder who that is, at this time of night"
she wondered, "hello, oh hello officer, WHAT!!, what do you mean you have found him, i don't believe it"
she inquired, totally flabbergasted, "ok thanku, i will be over as soon as possible" so debbie rang alion imediately,
"hey alion, listen i am flying bach to england straight away, they have found joe!!!
robyn was eating her dinner in solitary confinement, where she had been sent for killing a guard with a biscuit tin,
when one of the officers opened the door, "good news sanderson, your being released for personal reasons"
"why" asked robyn, "don't know, but the united states army rang this morning and told me to send you straight away to the airport,
by whatever means is quickest" "i wonder what all this is about" robyn pondered.
fatbob was sitting in the okapi and penguin, his favorite pub, telling the barman about when he saved tollyhot from certain doom,
all those years ago, "i think your drunk mate" said sim the barman, "you can't fool me, you killed my brother, so you could marry debbie and climb the social ladder" "you will never believe me will you, i'm telling you aliens got him"
"yeah yeah" replied sim, just as the phone rang, "hello" spoke up sim, "yes hes here, oh right ok, yes i will do cheerio officer"
"what" asked fatbob, "you must go to the hopmoe police station right away" replied sim.
jo was listening to the radio, and writng a new novel, when in came her husband fat tony the greek,
"theres someone at the door for you dear" he said, "ok be right there" jo replied looking up from her typewriter.
at the door stood two FBI officers, "come with me please" said one of them, "sure i'll just get my coat" "no right away please".
somewhere in bolivia. "come on people, up with the national front" shouted jeni from the top of a turned over bus,
firing off her kalashnikof into the air, just then a helicopter flew down and hovered above the bus,
"oh shit, the've got me this time" said jeni shooting at the helicopter, "do not be afraid" came a loud speaker from the craft,
"we have come to take you to your friends, in nevada, joe is alive!!!!
the united arab emirates, oil field. "yes he'll be fine" said reena, inspecting a patient, "darling" said mr horon,
"there are some people to see you, from england" "ok" said reena, walking over to a landrover, "tom!! what are you doing here"
"no time to explain, we have to get back to england straight away, and to gatwick airport!
2300 hours, 11,03,2004
back in england, debbie and alion met jo and fatbob, "now" said the police officer, "you must come with me straight away, no questions asked not a word, we are going to nevada, vier private helicopter"
"wow wow their pal" said fatbob, opening a kebab up, "why the hell are we going to nevada, i want to see my mate"
"i said no questions please, now follow me" replied the officer quite anally,
so off went alion, debbie, fatbob and jo, at the airport, they met up with tom, reena, robyn and jeni.
and off they all went to nevada, "i wonder what the hell all this is about" said tom, thinking hard,
"hows prison then robyn?" asked fatbob, "not bad actually, you get your own scrabble and a copy of badger life, by bob fleming"
replied robyn, "i can't think why we have to go to nevada" said jo,
"well i hope it is good news" added robyn, munching on her brownies, "yes i do hope joe is really alive, but i don't see how he possibly could be" replied debbie, "yes, its been nearly 3 years, so if he is alive why the hell hasn't he turned up" added jeni,
1100 hours, 12,03,2004, usa time,
so in nevada airport, tom and the guys were piled into an offroad coach, and driven far into the desert! under armed escort,
so into the desert they drove for many miles, without any stops for drinks or toilets, infact tom was beginning to feel quite full,
and fatbob was wishing he hadn't had quite so many tennents before he boarded,
so finally, the coach pulled up outside some vast steel barriers, and out marched some us marines,
"welcome to the united states space and alien research center" said an officer, "come this way please"
intrigued alion and the rest followed the marines through some corridors to a large white room,
"now what you are about to see is strictly confidential, and you must never speak of what you see or hear, understand"
said the officer, "meet Dr francis drakes, head of extra terrestrial research" "hello" said the Dr, shaking everyones hands,
"follow me please" he said leading them through several foot thick glass doors,
eventually they were lead into a massive laboratory, full of test tubes and peices of metal and all sorts of interesting stuff,
"wow this is cool" said tom, looking round in ore, "now" said the Dr, "3 years ago our exploration department discovered
the remains of a massive spacecraft, in norfolk, in amongst what looked like a huge battlefield, in order to keep this all a secret,
we made up a story about, our department unearthing several bodys, and covered up the spacecraft we had found"
"wait a minute" interupted debbie, "you mean you never found any bodys?" "well" replied the Dr,
"we found all sorts of things on board ship, but nothing outside except tiny DNA strands from we presume the aliens,
so anyway, we took everything we had found back here for research, including some bodies, and now we have finished investigating
certain aspects of our find, we can return what is rightfully yours"
so once again the Dr led everyone into yet another room, all the walls were surounded by steel compartments on the wall.
"now on board ship we found several humans in some sort of transitional time lock" begun the Dr.
"wait a sec" interupted fatbob, "how long after we left was all this?" "about 2 months" replied the Dr,
"anyway, as i was saying, it seemed that not only had the aliens captured several people, but they had brought back, or maybe never really killed, many more people, and that they had also dug up or got from somewhere several other dead bodys,
to use for experiments, and such like" the Dr paused, everyone watched with baited breath,
as the Dr walked over to a control panel, and pressed a large blue button,
then some of the steel compartments began to open, everyone gasped, there inside one of them was Joe!!!!!
floating inside some sort of liquid, "my god" said alion, "how is this possible"
"well we thinik we now know how they did it, and we think we can bring dead people back to life!!" replied the Dr, somehow they could do this, thats what we have been trying to uncover, for the past 3 years" "so what about everyone else?" asked alion,
"well we have several bodys, primarily those of, ellie lawrence, catherine durdon, suzzane bushell and susie"
"so everyone else is alive" said debbie looking very excited. "well take a look for yourself" replied Dr drakes, pressing some more buttons, then all the rest of the steel dorrs began to open, and there were louise!!! and viki!! and simon freeman!! and even julia p!
"my god this is amazing" said reena, "i can't believe it" "now" said the Dr.
"they will be very confused and dizzy for a while, when we release them, remember they have been in some sort of sleep for nearly 3 year!!! "bollocks to that" said tom, hitting jess's glass tube with a crowbar, "please restrain yourself mr reynolds, all in good time"
said the Dr,
1700 hours, 12,03,2004
laboratory sector 5, waiting room. "what are they doing" said fatbob, pacing the room, "i'm sure they won't be long" replied jo,
"have some tea" just then in came a man in a white coat, "they are just drying them out, it wont be long now, please be patient"
another half an hour passed. in walked Dr drakes, "you may see your friends now, but please don't overwelm them, they are very tired and still a bit sleepy" so the Dr lead them into yet another room, furnished in leather, and there stood everyone!!!
"joeeeee!! screamed alion running over to him, "hey u freak, wuz up" he replied very slowly, "hey" said debbie smiling,
"debbie!" said joe perking up, "i missed you" she said, "i missed you too i guess, tho it seems like not long ago when i last saw you" james looked round in a daze, "where are mark and scott" he asked, "i'm sorry" replied the Dr, mark was too far eaten away by maggots, and scott was also torn to a pulp by the wolves" tom was walking around in a daze, he still couldn't believe all this was happening!! then as he scoured the room, in the corner there stood jess!! "JESS" he screamed running into her arms,
"tom, i hoped you were ok" she replied quitely, so when everyone had said their hellos, and opened up a few beers, (fatbobs idea)
it was time to talk seriously, "so what about catherine and ellie and the rest" he asked in an important voice.
"well we are workin gon thme at the moment, and hoping to make a breakthrough very soon" replied the Dr.
"and i've just thought" said louise, "what about luke?" "ar well" said the Dr, "we did find tangled in a mass of alien flesh,
some human DNA, after extensive tests, we found it to be of luke tregidgo, and guess what" said the Dr opening a secret door in the wall, "we grew him from the DNA strands" in walked luke, just as he always used to be!!!!
2200 hours, 12,03,2004 nevada airport,
"well guys, i guess the question is, what now" said joe, "well one things sure, the nozzle industry in this country is corrupt and full of fatcat directors, and of course france and germany grow most of europes nozzles nowadays" said robyn pondering,
"well fear not people, i have a plan" said joe looking very excited, "well come on then what" said sophie.
"we're going to zambia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
debbie was sitting by the fire, in her small cave in iceland, when the phone rang loudly, "i wonder who that is, at this time of night"
she wondered, "hello, oh hello officer, WHAT!!, what do you mean you have found him, i don't believe it"
she inquired, totally flabbergasted, "ok thanku, i will be over as soon as possible" so debbie rang alion imediately,
"hey alion, listen i am flying bach to england straight away, they have found joe!!!
robyn was eating her dinner in solitary confinement, where she had been sent for killing a guard with a biscuit tin,
when one of the officers opened the door, "good news sanderson, your being released for personal reasons"
"why" asked robyn, "don't know, but the united states army rang this morning and told me to send you straight away to the airport,
by whatever means is quickest" "i wonder what all this is about" robyn pondered.
fatbob was sitting in the okapi and penguin, his favorite pub, telling the barman about when he saved tollyhot from certain doom,
all those years ago, "i think your drunk mate" said sim the barman, "you can't fool me, you killed my brother, so you could marry debbie and climb the social ladder" "you will never believe me will you, i'm telling you aliens got him"
"yeah yeah" replied sim, just as the phone rang, "hello" spoke up sim, "yes hes here, oh right ok, yes i will do cheerio officer"
"what" asked fatbob, "you must go to the hopmoe police station right away" replied sim.
jo was listening to the radio, and writng a new novel, when in came her husband fat tony the greek,
"theres someone at the door for you dear" he said, "ok be right there" jo replied looking up from her typewriter.
at the door stood two FBI officers, "come with me please" said one of them, "sure i'll just get my coat" "no right away please".
somewhere in bolivia. "come on people, up with the national front" shouted jeni from the top of a turned over bus,
firing off her kalashnikof into the air, just then a helicopter flew down and hovered above the bus,
"oh shit, the've got me this time" said jeni shooting at the helicopter, "do not be afraid" came a loud speaker from the craft,
"we have come to take you to your friends, in nevada, joe is alive!!!!
the united arab emirates, oil field. "yes he'll be fine" said reena, inspecting a patient, "darling" said mr horon,
"there are some people to see you, from england" "ok" said reena, walking over to a landrover, "tom!! what are you doing here"
"no time to explain, we have to get back to england straight away, and to gatwick airport!
2300 hours, 11,03,2004
back in england, debbie and alion met jo and fatbob, "now" said the police officer, "you must come with me straight away, no questions asked not a word, we are going to nevada, vier private helicopter"
"wow wow their pal" said fatbob, opening a kebab up, "why the hell are we going to nevada, i want to see my mate"
"i said no questions please, now follow me" replied the officer quite anally,
so off went alion, debbie, fatbob and jo, at the airport, they met up with tom, reena, robyn and jeni.
and off they all went to nevada, "i wonder what the hell all this is about" said tom, thinking hard,
"hows prison then robyn?" asked fatbob, "not bad actually, you get your own scrabble and a copy of badger life, by bob fleming"
replied robyn, "i can't think why we have to go to nevada" said jo,
"well i hope it is good news" added robyn, munching on her brownies, "yes i do hope joe is really alive, but i don't see how he possibly could be" replied debbie, "yes, its been nearly 3 years, so if he is alive why the hell hasn't he turned up" added jeni,
1100 hours, 12,03,2004, usa time,
so in nevada airport, tom and the guys were piled into an offroad coach, and driven far into the desert! under armed escort,
so into the desert they drove for many miles, without any stops for drinks or toilets, infact tom was beginning to feel quite full,
and fatbob was wishing he hadn't had quite so many tennents before he boarded,
so finally, the coach pulled up outside some vast steel barriers, and out marched some us marines,
"welcome to the united states space and alien research center" said an officer, "come this way please"
intrigued alion and the rest followed the marines through some corridors to a large white room,
"now what you are about to see is strictly confidential, and you must never speak of what you see or hear, understand"
said the officer, "meet Dr francis drakes, head of extra terrestrial research" "hello" said the Dr, shaking everyones hands,
"follow me please" he said leading them through several foot thick glass doors,
eventually they were lead into a massive laboratory, full of test tubes and peices of metal and all sorts of interesting stuff,
"wow this is cool" said tom, looking round in ore, "now" said the Dr, "3 years ago our exploration department discovered
the remains of a massive spacecraft, in norfolk, in amongst what looked like a huge battlefield, in order to keep this all a secret,
we made up a story about, our department unearthing several bodys, and covered up the spacecraft we had found"
"wait a minute" interupted debbie, "you mean you never found any bodys?" "well" replied the Dr,
"we found all sorts of things on board ship, but nothing outside except tiny DNA strands from we presume the aliens,
so anyway, we took everything we had found back here for research, including some bodies, and now we have finished investigating
certain aspects of our find, we can return what is rightfully yours"
so once again the Dr led everyone into yet another room, all the walls were surounded by steel compartments on the wall.
"now on board ship we found several humans in some sort of transitional time lock" begun the Dr.
"wait a sec" interupted fatbob, "how long after we left was all this?" "about 2 months" replied the Dr,
"anyway, as i was saying, it seemed that not only had the aliens captured several people, but they had brought back, or maybe never really killed, many more people, and that they had also dug up or got from somewhere several other dead bodys,
to use for experiments, and such like" the Dr paused, everyone watched with baited breath,
as the Dr walked over to a control panel, and pressed a large blue button,
then some of the steel compartments began to open, everyone gasped, there inside one of them was Joe!!!!!
floating inside some sort of liquid, "my god" said alion, "how is this possible"
"well we thinik we now know how they did it, and we think we can bring dead people back to life!!" replied the Dr, somehow they could do this, thats what we have been trying to uncover, for the past 3 years" "so what about everyone else?" asked alion,
"well we have several bodys, primarily those of, ellie lawrence, catherine durdon, suzzane bushell and susie"
"so everyone else is alive" said debbie looking very excited. "well take a look for yourself" replied Dr drakes, pressing some more buttons, then all the rest of the steel dorrs began to open, and there were louise!!! and viki!! and simon freeman!! and even julia p!
"my god this is amazing" said reena, "i can't believe it" "now" said the Dr.
"they will be very confused and dizzy for a while, when we release them, remember they have been in some sort of sleep for nearly 3 year!!! "bollocks to that" said tom, hitting jess's glass tube with a crowbar, "please restrain yourself mr reynolds, all in good time"
said the Dr,
1700 hours, 12,03,2004
laboratory sector 5, waiting room. "what are they doing" said fatbob, pacing the room, "i'm sure they won't be long" replied jo,
"have some tea" just then in came a man in a white coat, "they are just drying them out, it wont be long now, please be patient"
another half an hour passed. in walked Dr drakes, "you may see your friends now, but please don't overwelm them, they are very tired and still a bit sleepy" so the Dr lead them into yet another room, furnished in leather, and there stood everyone!!!
"joeeeee!! screamed alion running over to him, "hey u freak, wuz up" he replied very slowly, "hey" said debbie smiling,
"debbie!" said joe perking up, "i missed you" she said, "i missed you too i guess, tho it seems like not long ago when i last saw you" james looked round in a daze, "where are mark and scott" he asked, "i'm sorry" replied the Dr, mark was too far eaten away by maggots, and scott was also torn to a pulp by the wolves" tom was walking around in a daze, he still couldn't believe all this was happening!! then as he scoured the room, in the corner there stood jess!! "JESS" he screamed running into her arms,
"tom, i hoped you were ok" she replied quitely, so when everyone had said their hellos, and opened up a few beers, (fatbobs idea)
it was time to talk seriously, "so what about catherine and ellie and the rest" he asked in an important voice.
"well we are workin gon thme at the moment, and hoping to make a breakthrough very soon" replied the Dr.
"and i've just thought" said louise, "what about luke?" "ar well" said the Dr, "we did find tangled in a mass of alien flesh,
some human DNA, after extensive tests, we found it to be of luke tregidgo, and guess what" said the Dr opening a secret door in the wall, "we grew him from the DNA strands" in walked luke, just as he always used to be!!!!
2200 hours, 12,03,2004 nevada airport,
"well guys, i guess the question is, what now" said joe, "well one things sure, the nozzle industry in this country is corrupt and full of fatcat directors, and of course france and germany grow most of europes nozzles nowadays" said robyn pondering,
"well fear not people, i have a plan" said joe looking very excited, "well come on then what" said sophie.
"we're going to zambia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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