chapter 21
I high quality investigation
0730 hours, 15,06,2004. breakfast room.
"well pasty my son, it is time to continue our tour sir" said fatbob one morning reading his roasts of the world book. "yes I simply can't wait mate" replied pasty. "even essex boy is excited about it" he added. just then onion came in wearing nothing but a bikini and a sarong. "now who wanted mushrooms?" she asked. "ooh me me" shouted fatbob licking his lips. "hey how about me?" asked Arthur. "yeah you better eat well art, remember we're going to see the fish people again today" said jules packing sandwiches for lunch. "oh yeah it will be good to see how Steve is" answered Arthur gobbling down as much as he good. "remember people, all do everything you want today, its full on back to the spacecraft construction tomorrow" said Joe. "why such a hurry to build this spacecraft Joe?" asked alion. "oh I just think its important to be ready tha all" replied Joe analy. "well we're off" said Essex boy loading his guitar case onto his donkey. "yup we'll see you all later" said alion getting very excited and lighting her pipe. "I simply can't wait to use my oboe" said pasty. so the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers were on their way to their next venue. as jules and Arthur headed towards the river. "hey there's ellie and cracknel" said Arthur waving. "er we were just going for a walk" said ellie cautiously. "oh I see Eleanor "walking" I see" "what are you doing here Joe" said ellie crossly. "don't worry ellie, I'll sort this" said cracknel, smackin Joe one in the jaw! "ow!! that really hurt" said Joe rubbing his face. "you just watch it matey, I've got courgettes" said freeman appearing from the undergrowth. "what are you doing here" said ellie getting more annoyed every minute. "I think we'll go Arthur, before things turn nasty" said jules strolling off. so Joe went to see reena for some stitches, and feeman went back to his bush.
1400 hours, 15,06,2004. fish gates.
"well here we are again" said Arthur walking up to the gates. "I wonder where fellow is today" he pondered to jules. "he's probably having his lunch art" replied jules knocking on the gates loudly. there was no answer for quite some time, so jules decided to try again. "funny I'll have another go, there must be someone there" she said knocking a bit louder this time. after five minutes or so they heard someone coming. "here we go, see no problem" said Arthur, so relaxed he nearly fell over!! the door slowly opened just a crack and a fish they'd never seen before peered through the opening. "what do you want?" he snapped. "if your selling ironing board covers, we've already got one thanks" he said slamming the doors. "wait we just want to see Steve" shouted Arthur "they worship me!!" he added indignantly. the fish opened the door once again, his eyes appeared almost like high beam ultra violet lights. "steve doesn't live here any more, he is dead" and the doors slammed again. "what the hell is going on" said jules. "i just don't understand. just then there sounded like a comotion coming from the other side of the gates, and the door flung open and mondu appeared frantic with fear! "GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!" he shouted in terror. "the've come, throw it away all of it cds and all!" just then what seemed like a steel fish grabbed him from behind and dragged him back inside! "listen to me destroy your computers!!" he shouted and then he was silenced, the doors slammed shut once again and that was that. "what did he mean by all that?" said arthur astounded. "i don't know but we better get out of here quick, and report this all to joe" said jules looking very worried indeed. "i fear something very nasty is going on in there" she said. so heading towards the waterfall as fast as they could art and jules were soon back by the river. "right lets go tell joe all about this"
1647 hours, 15,06,2004. joes office.
joe was sitting in his office working on the plans for the spacecraft. "joe!!" said jules running up the stairs two at a time. "whats up jules?" he asked. "its the fish people, something terrible is going on down there!" so jules and arthur told joe everything that had happened to them and everything that was said by the sinister fish. "this is all very worrying" said joe stroking his now stupidly long goatee. "yes but what did mondu mean about throwing everything away" said arthur picking nits out of his beard and eating them. just then debbie came in. "hey guys how did you get on with the fish guys? are they enjoying their pc i gave them?" she said stroking her paunch. "what you mean you gave them a computer?" asked joe alarmed. "yes just a pentium i had uprated with my pc course" debbie replied wondering what all the fuss was about. just then robyn came tearing in. "joe! joe! its the special nozzles!" she said all out of breath. "what, what about them" said everyone at once. "well i was studying them under a high pressure genetic strand reactor. and well it seems they have some sort of capaciters in their DNA strands!" she said all in a stress. "i just don't know what to make of it atal" she added. so everyone went downstairs to look at debbies computer.
"now how come the fish peoples computer went so mad assumably. and how come the special nozzles have pc capaciters in them" said joe booting it up. "funny" said debbie tapping in passwords. "i can't seem to access anything atal" then as the screen went completely black. and appearing in big black capitals came the words. GOOD LUK... U R GOING 2 DIE!!!!!!
Saturday, 16 March 2002
Sunday, 10 March 2002
CHAPTER 20 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. ONLY 5 OR SO CHAPTERS TO GO!! MAYBE A FEW MORE.
chapter 20
byork and craft of nozzle!
0730 hours, 07,06,2004. morning nutrition consuming brickbased cubed facility (breakfast room)
"well ladies and gents, and you alion. today we must finish the planting and carry on with other matters" said Joe eating his golden muff balls. "but Joe what other matters do we actually have to do?" asked Anna doing so many things I can't be bothered to explain. "well" replied Joe. "there's the erm the playing and the band supporting and the strip monopoly and stuff" "don't you think we should be doing something more productive with our time?" asked bidge. "oh yeah what have you done?" asked jess.
"I've been writing all those oil books and publishing them by hand" answered bidge. "well I think toms been pretty lazy personally" said Luke, "he's not given me one hand restraining that byork yet" "hang on Luke, I've been busy cleaning my moccasins most days" said tom in his defence. "oh yeah that's useful" added jeni. "well what have you done?" asked onion incriminatingly. "what you've done bog all" said alion. "ooh I have to spray my dinosaur" she added. "well you shouldn't be in the band anyway, you can't even play" said fatbob steaming up. "well I never, at least I wash" replied alion. "LOOK EVERYONE!!!" shouted Joe analy. "we're all lazy ok, can we all stop arguing, I have an idea for our next project" he said in an important voice. "ok what is it?" asked louise.
"well"
0830 hours, 09,06,2004. breakfast room.
"well I wish Joe would tell us what his big plan is" said Emily reclining on a chair. "I'm sure he knows what he's doing" said Debbie still puzzling away on the computer. "well we've finished the planting now, and it won't be ready for harvesting for 4 weeks" said wendy pondering as usual. "morning everyone" said Joe cheerfully, as he walked into the breakfast room. "come on then Joe, what's all this secrecy, what are we going to do?" asked pasty scratching vigorously. "well if everyone would like to gather round the table, bigmore could you get everyone else in please" "sure thing sir" replied bigmore. so when everyone had gathered round and much pushing and shoving for the best seats had been done. it was time for Joe to release his plan. "now as some of you know robyn and alion have been exploring the strange energy giving properties of the special nozzles" said Joe. "yes do go on" said Catherine impatiently. "well it made me think, when the new nozzles are ready for harvesting. in theory they should have bearing in mind we crossed breed them 50/50 with the new nozzles, half the energy fuel of the special nozzles" he paused "supposedly" thinking hard. "well I thought we could build a spacecraft using nozzle fuel from the harvest, look I have the basic plans right here" he said rolling out some blueprints. "but Joe this is all rather ambitious isn't it?" asked robyn scratching her eyebrows. "yes robyn, but why not we can only try?" said Joe determined. "well I trust Joe's intuition, I don't know why but hell lets go for it" said ellie. "yes we're all with you Joe" said jess enthusiastically. "well i'll be damned if I'm gonna agree" "fatbob!!" said onion. "I mean yeah I'm with ya Joe, er always man" said fatbob biting his fist.
1300 hours, 09,06,2004. workshop.
"right now guys" said Joe rubbing his hands in glee. "all the steel arrived yesterday, Arthur will be in charge of the physics and stress's. robyn and alion as they have been researching the fuel, will be in charge of the engine and fuel dock. juliap with her vast knowledge of space will be in charge of navigation. I will be in charge of general design, fatbob speedstripes" "yes!!" replied fatbob, "I call red" "good right everyone else you know your places, lets get cracking! oh and Debbie your in charge of the onboard computer systems" "yey I like responsibility" said Debbie jumping up and down. so everyone got stuck in, for many days they laboured, and for many weeks they would.
2115 hours, 13,06,2004. mug and nonce.
"well everyone things are going very well. well done all of you for your hard work" said Joe raising his glass. "yes it has been a success, I just think there should be a bar on board" said ellie raising her empty glass. "well we are rather strap for space. said louise reading "today's nun" magazine. "well anyway apart from all that" said Debbie drinking her vakodka. "I was just wandering who's going to have the guts to be the first to fly this thing?" she enquired. "ar well that's where I come in" said Luke proudly.
"wow! your going to fly that thing, that's very brave of you" said becca. "no! I'm sending byork up there, I'm not stupid that things a death trap" replied Luke. "and another thing Joe" said pasty, the cogs whirring inside his head. "what's that paste mate?" asked Joe."why the hell does it have to be shaped like a sheep?"
byork and craft of nozzle!
0730 hours, 07,06,2004. morning nutrition consuming brickbased cubed facility (breakfast room)
"well ladies and gents, and you alion. today we must finish the planting and carry on with other matters" said Joe eating his golden muff balls. "but Joe what other matters do we actually have to do?" asked Anna doing so many things I can't be bothered to explain. "well" replied Joe. "there's the erm the playing and the band supporting and the strip monopoly and stuff" "don't you think we should be doing something more productive with our time?" asked bidge. "oh yeah what have you done?" asked jess.
"I've been writing all those oil books and publishing them by hand" answered bidge. "well I think toms been pretty lazy personally" said Luke, "he's not given me one hand restraining that byork yet" "hang on Luke, I've been busy cleaning my moccasins most days" said tom in his defence. "oh yeah that's useful" added jeni. "well what have you done?" asked onion incriminatingly. "what you've done bog all" said alion. "ooh I have to spray my dinosaur" she added. "well you shouldn't be in the band anyway, you can't even play" said fatbob steaming up. "well I never, at least I wash" replied alion. "LOOK EVERYONE!!!" shouted Joe analy. "we're all lazy ok, can we all stop arguing, I have an idea for our next project" he said in an important voice. "ok what is it?" asked louise.
"well"
0830 hours, 09,06,2004. breakfast room.
"well I wish Joe would tell us what his big plan is" said Emily reclining on a chair. "I'm sure he knows what he's doing" said Debbie still puzzling away on the computer. "well we've finished the planting now, and it won't be ready for harvesting for 4 weeks" said wendy pondering as usual. "morning everyone" said Joe cheerfully, as he walked into the breakfast room. "come on then Joe, what's all this secrecy, what are we going to do?" asked pasty scratching vigorously. "well if everyone would like to gather round the table, bigmore could you get everyone else in please" "sure thing sir" replied bigmore. so when everyone had gathered round and much pushing and shoving for the best seats had been done. it was time for Joe to release his plan. "now as some of you know robyn and alion have been exploring the strange energy giving properties of the special nozzles" said Joe. "yes do go on" said Catherine impatiently. "well it made me think, when the new nozzles are ready for harvesting. in theory they should have bearing in mind we crossed breed them 50/50 with the new nozzles, half the energy fuel of the special nozzles" he paused "supposedly" thinking hard. "well I thought we could build a spacecraft using nozzle fuel from the harvest, look I have the basic plans right here" he said rolling out some blueprints. "but Joe this is all rather ambitious isn't it?" asked robyn scratching her eyebrows. "yes robyn, but why not we can only try?" said Joe determined. "well I trust Joe's intuition, I don't know why but hell lets go for it" said ellie. "yes we're all with you Joe" said jess enthusiastically. "well i'll be damned if I'm gonna agree" "fatbob!!" said onion. "I mean yeah I'm with ya Joe, er always man" said fatbob biting his fist.
1300 hours, 09,06,2004. workshop.
"right now guys" said Joe rubbing his hands in glee. "all the steel arrived yesterday, Arthur will be in charge of the physics and stress's. robyn and alion as they have been researching the fuel, will be in charge of the engine and fuel dock. juliap with her vast knowledge of space will be in charge of navigation. I will be in charge of general design, fatbob speedstripes" "yes!!" replied fatbob, "I call red" "good right everyone else you know your places, lets get cracking! oh and Debbie your in charge of the onboard computer systems" "yey I like responsibility" said Debbie jumping up and down. so everyone got stuck in, for many days they laboured, and for many weeks they would.
2115 hours, 13,06,2004. mug and nonce.
"well everyone things are going very well. well done all of you for your hard work" said Joe raising his glass. "yes it has been a success, I just think there should be a bar on board" said ellie raising her empty glass. "well we are rather strap for space. said louise reading "today's nun" magazine. "well anyway apart from all that" said Debbie drinking her vakodka. "I was just wandering who's going to have the guts to be the first to fly this thing?" she enquired. "ar well that's where I come in" said Luke proudly.
"wow! your going to fly that thing, that's very brave of you" said becca. "no! I'm sending byork up there, I'm not stupid that things a death trap" replied Luke. "and another thing Joe" said pasty, the cogs whirring inside his head. "what's that paste mate?" asked Joe."why the hell does it have to be shaped like a sheep?"
Tuesday, 5 March 2002
CHAPTER 19 OF FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. SO THE DISH RAN AWAY WITH THE SPOON!
chapter 19.
a barrelful of affairs.
1530 hours, 05,06,2004. main farming fields.
so everyone was working hard planting the new nozzle plants. "where's Arthur and James gone tom?" asked Catherine while taking great care deleafing a nozzle sapling. "I don't know actually Catherine, they just took off earlier" tom replied tilling away.
"Arthur stop it, this affair must end, its been going on since we moved to tollyhot" said pasty. " I know I know. but its soo hard" replied Arthur. "I reckon your right about robyn and jules though, and their sordid devilry" said pasty. "come on lets get back to planting" just then suz came running in to fetch another hoe. "oh my goodness, I knew it ever since that night in the firkin at Christmas" she said astonished. "now calm down suz we were rehearsing for a play" said pasty trying to keep control of the situation. "what was the film called hey? monkey has relations with lunatic hey is that what your trying to tell me?" said suzanne.
"yeah alright love calm down, have a banana" offered Arthur. "I don't want a damn banana art" replied suz. "ok ok, their good bananas?" just then becca came running in. "quick suz, Emily just found jules and robyn locked in a loving embrace in the grain barn...... oh I see you've got your own problems here, I'll just be off" said becca legging it out the door. "oh damn" said pasty.
2300 hours, 05,06,2004. main enjoyment sector (living room)
"well I just don't know what to do with you lot, I really don't" said Joe in an important voice pacing up and down. "I've let you do as you please like respectable adults, and look what I get in return" "er Joe, your the youngest person here" pointed out Anna.
"that's not the point" said Joe impatiently. "yes but it is the point isn't it because......." "yes alright tom I get what your saying,
the point is I don't want this sort of behaviour on my farm" "hang on a minute, what about your twisted affairs with various circus performers" said bidge. "yeah... well... that's different" "in what way Joe, I don't want you ordering kinky clown anymore" said debs quite firmly. "ok ok, lets just go down the pub" said Joe pulling on his shoes. "and the kebab shop" added fatbob, "but I do need a cashpoint first!"
0100 hours, 06,06,2004. mug and nonce.
"well I'm glad we cleared up all this affair business" said Essex boy, polishing his massive gold sovereign ring. "yes I am quite relieved I must say" agreed alion. "well it was bound to all come out eventually, I'm just glad it was over a kebab" said Arthur munching away. "Arthur your not supposed to eat in here" said jules. "yes but it tastes so good" replied Arthur. "by the way wilko, where's baartaur?" asked louise. "ar well I sort of sold him honey" replied wilko sheepishly. "what you sold our son? and don't call me honey" said louise angrily. "ok lads keep it down, you'll scare away my business" said fatbob cleaning a glass vigorously. "but fatbob us lot are your only customers" said becca just as her phone rang. "hello oh right, what right away? oh I see I'll be right there" "what was all that about becca?" asked ellie purchasing yet another packet of onion rings."erm ditch meetup in London colney, gotta go seeya guys" said becca running off up the path. "I do worry about that girl I really do" said jeni. "Luke, how's byork after this weeks gig? has she recovered from the cattle prod?" asked suzanne, kissing the right simon this time. "oh she's fine, just a little shaky" answered Luke. "well come on lads, I need a kebab" said fatbob pulling on his coat.
0200 hours, 06,06,2004. farmhouse, lads room.
"well fatbob, that was a damn good kebab. got any of that heroin?" asked Arthur rolling a cigarette. "not for you my son, not for you" replied fatbob. "so Luke why do you enjoy keeping byork in a cupboard, she keeps me up all night scratching and banging" said Arthur. "I know arth mate, the sedatives are on the way from, "subdue a whore UK.COM" then we'll all sleep soundly" said Luke.
"well lads, who's up for a bit of poker?" asked fatbob. "fatbob stop stroking that damn porcelain seal" said Luke folding shirts with a ruler. "its not my fault, robyn won't let me near her eyebrows atal until she's sure their ok" replied fatbob. "well anyway I'm going to sleep, lots more planting to do tomorrow" said Arthur lying down. "yes good idea arth, seeya in the morn for more nozzle action"
a barrelful of affairs.
1530 hours, 05,06,2004. main farming fields.
so everyone was working hard planting the new nozzle plants. "where's Arthur and James gone tom?" asked Catherine while taking great care deleafing a nozzle sapling. "I don't know actually Catherine, they just took off earlier" tom replied tilling away.
"Arthur stop it, this affair must end, its been going on since we moved to tollyhot" said pasty. " I know I know. but its soo hard" replied Arthur. "I reckon your right about robyn and jules though, and their sordid devilry" said pasty. "come on lets get back to planting" just then suz came running in to fetch another hoe. "oh my goodness, I knew it ever since that night in the firkin at Christmas" she said astonished. "now calm down suz we were rehearsing for a play" said pasty trying to keep control of the situation. "what was the film called hey? monkey has relations with lunatic hey is that what your trying to tell me?" said suzanne.
"yeah alright love calm down, have a banana" offered Arthur. "I don't want a damn banana art" replied suz. "ok ok, their good bananas?" just then becca came running in. "quick suz, Emily just found jules and robyn locked in a loving embrace in the grain barn...... oh I see you've got your own problems here, I'll just be off" said becca legging it out the door. "oh damn" said pasty.
2300 hours, 05,06,2004. main enjoyment sector (living room)
"well I just don't know what to do with you lot, I really don't" said Joe in an important voice pacing up and down. "I've let you do as you please like respectable adults, and look what I get in return" "er Joe, your the youngest person here" pointed out Anna.
"that's not the point" said Joe impatiently. "yes but it is the point isn't it because......." "yes alright tom I get what your saying,
the point is I don't want this sort of behaviour on my farm" "hang on a minute, what about your twisted affairs with various circus performers" said bidge. "yeah... well... that's different" "in what way Joe, I don't want you ordering kinky clown anymore" said debs quite firmly. "ok ok, lets just go down the pub" said Joe pulling on his shoes. "and the kebab shop" added fatbob, "but I do need a cashpoint first!"
0100 hours, 06,06,2004. mug and nonce.
"well I'm glad we cleared up all this affair business" said Essex boy, polishing his massive gold sovereign ring. "yes I am quite relieved I must say" agreed alion. "well it was bound to all come out eventually, I'm just glad it was over a kebab" said Arthur munching away. "Arthur your not supposed to eat in here" said jules. "yes but it tastes so good" replied Arthur. "by the way wilko, where's baartaur?" asked louise. "ar well I sort of sold him honey" replied wilko sheepishly. "what you sold our son? and don't call me honey" said louise angrily. "ok lads keep it down, you'll scare away my business" said fatbob cleaning a glass vigorously. "but fatbob us lot are your only customers" said becca just as her phone rang. "hello oh right, what right away? oh I see I'll be right there" "what was all that about becca?" asked ellie purchasing yet another packet of onion rings."erm ditch meetup in London colney, gotta go seeya guys" said becca running off up the path. "I do worry about that girl I really do" said jeni. "Luke, how's byork after this weeks gig? has she recovered from the cattle prod?" asked suzanne, kissing the right simon this time. "oh she's fine, just a little shaky" answered Luke. "well come on lads, I need a kebab" said fatbob pulling on his coat.
0200 hours, 06,06,2004. farmhouse, lads room.
"well fatbob, that was a damn good kebab. got any of that heroin?" asked Arthur rolling a cigarette. "not for you my son, not for you" replied fatbob. "so Luke why do you enjoy keeping byork in a cupboard, she keeps me up all night scratching and banging" said Arthur. "I know arth mate, the sedatives are on the way from, "subdue a whore UK.COM" then we'll all sleep soundly" said Luke.
"well lads, who's up for a bit of poker?" asked fatbob. "fatbob stop stroking that damn porcelain seal" said Luke folding shirts with a ruler. "its not my fault, robyn won't let me near her eyebrows atal until she's sure their ok" replied fatbob. "well anyway I'm going to sleep, lots more planting to do tomorrow" said Arthur lying down. "yes good idea arth, seeya in the morn for more nozzle action"
Sunday, 3 March 2002
CHAPTER 18 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. SORRY GUYS BEEN BUSY AND MY EMAILS SCREWY AGAIN!!
chapter 18
fields of dreams
1500 hours, 15,05,2004. cattle stable.
so debbie and bidge were still working on there publishing. the pilchard pokers were preparing for their tour. and steve was ready to go back to fish land. all was well except louise, wendy and emma were now ready to start opperating on bonko. "well this is it wendy lets get started, scalpel please" "louise how come yesterday we said we had to opperate imediatly but we didn't bother till today?" asked emma confused again. "well i had a very important meeting to go to" replied louise. "what meeting louise?" asked wendy. "errm the meeting for the er pencil comittee" answered louise. "anyway lets get started" said emma pulling on her gloves. so for many hours the girls sliced and cut, stitched and sowed, pulled and pushed untill eventually. "well there we are" said louise.
"yes louise thats a very nice raspberry flan. but can we get on with the opperation" said emma exasperated. "ooh its damn good flan though" said tom and arthur digging in. "do you mind you two, we're in the middle of a very important opperation" said wendy crossly. "yes but you still had time for flan didn't you" pointed out tom running off with the plate. "hey come back with that damn flan" shouted arthur running after him! "haha" said tom. "i do worry about those two" said louise.
1000 hours, 03,06,2004. farmhouse.
so steve had gone home thanking everyone as he went. bonko was recovering well, even though he still had some flan in his kidney lining! debbies computer had crashed with a strange virus. jo c had returned from england. and the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers national zambian tour had begun. all was well when joe made his usual after breakfast "anal" speach. "now people all has been going reasonably well lately i know, but it is time for our new harvest to be planted. which we will have to start tomorrow. also alion, robyn. hows the experiments going?" he asked. "well" replied alion. "i think we can cross breed the special nozzles with the normal nozzles to make them grow ten times quicker" "yes so if we start planting tomorrow we should have nozzles in four weeks" added robyn very excited. "good good, we shall definatly start planting tomorrow then" said joe.
"viki hows the stud farm doing?" "not too bad thanks, carlos got some very decent horses" "good, now my only real concern is the very sinister nature of the nozzles, that very odd incident with filbert. thank God robyns eyebrows were there, or who knows what would of happened. and debbies computer having this strange, so it seems nozzle related virus" "yes i am quite worried about that computer, it just keeps coming up with evil nozzle related jests" said debbie pondering.
1900 hours, 04,06,2004. the girafe ironmonger pub.
"well this is it guys, the big one" said pasty. "yeah there must be at least 12 people out there" said alion peering round the curtains. "i hope we can remember everything we've practised" said essex boy. "i'm sure we'll be fine" said onion. "oh stop drinking fatbob" she said. "right lets get byork out there" said luke getting out his whip. (he had become their roady) "yes lets get on with it" said fatbob grabbing a crowbar. "are you sure thats humane, keeping her in there luke?" asked onion rather concerned. "yes of course it is" replied luke pulling off the lid of a 2foot square crate. so byork was pushed through the curtains, with her shackels still on her ankles. "ladies and gentlemen will you please welcome "the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers" and please get me a hacksaw!"
1315 hours, 05,06,2004. farmhouse.
"so debs you stunningly fit small person, have you sorted out your computer yet?" asked joe looking through his hire a clown brouchure. "well it seems ok at the moment, but i'm not very happy with it to be honest it seems to be all very sinister" replied debs looking baffled. "so can you still finish bidges book?" he asked. "well i think so, at least i have this new manual on solving virus's. and my next instalment of pc home programing" she answered flicking through. "oh well i'm sure we'll sort it out somehow"
"you mean i will, you don't know anything about this do you" said debs. "mm yeah thats right" replied joe. "now if you'll excuse me i have a shrew to teach the piano" "but you don't play the piano... oh whatever" meanwhile outside behind the dinosaur barn.
"trust me chief he's in perfect order, a bargain if you ask me" said wilko. "well tis a good good offer you show me sure, but dis very much money you ask" said barry smith stroking his chin. "i tell you what, if its all in bangers and mash. you can have him for £1100" said wilko. "come on man, i need some money, my children need heroin" "ok ok i'll take baartaur for dis price you ask, the zambian government will be very interested in him" said chief barry. "take care son, remember don't say anything about my probation" said wilko waving to baartaur.
fields of dreams
1500 hours, 15,05,2004. cattle stable.
so debbie and bidge were still working on there publishing. the pilchard pokers were preparing for their tour. and steve was ready to go back to fish land. all was well except louise, wendy and emma were now ready to start opperating on bonko. "well this is it wendy lets get started, scalpel please" "louise how come yesterday we said we had to opperate imediatly but we didn't bother till today?" asked emma confused again. "well i had a very important meeting to go to" replied louise. "what meeting louise?" asked wendy. "errm the meeting for the er pencil comittee" answered louise. "anyway lets get started" said emma pulling on her gloves. so for many hours the girls sliced and cut, stitched and sowed, pulled and pushed untill eventually. "well there we are" said louise.
"yes louise thats a very nice raspberry flan. but can we get on with the opperation" said emma exasperated. "ooh its damn good flan though" said tom and arthur digging in. "do you mind you two, we're in the middle of a very important opperation" said wendy crossly. "yes but you still had time for flan didn't you" pointed out tom running off with the plate. "hey come back with that damn flan" shouted arthur running after him! "haha" said tom. "i do worry about those two" said louise.
1000 hours, 03,06,2004. farmhouse.
so steve had gone home thanking everyone as he went. bonko was recovering well, even though he still had some flan in his kidney lining! debbies computer had crashed with a strange virus. jo c had returned from england. and the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers national zambian tour had begun. all was well when joe made his usual after breakfast "anal" speach. "now people all has been going reasonably well lately i know, but it is time for our new harvest to be planted. which we will have to start tomorrow. also alion, robyn. hows the experiments going?" he asked. "well" replied alion. "i think we can cross breed the special nozzles with the normal nozzles to make them grow ten times quicker" "yes so if we start planting tomorrow we should have nozzles in four weeks" added robyn very excited. "good good, we shall definatly start planting tomorrow then" said joe.
"viki hows the stud farm doing?" "not too bad thanks, carlos got some very decent horses" "good, now my only real concern is the very sinister nature of the nozzles, that very odd incident with filbert. thank God robyns eyebrows were there, or who knows what would of happened. and debbies computer having this strange, so it seems nozzle related virus" "yes i am quite worried about that computer, it just keeps coming up with evil nozzle related jests" said debbie pondering.
1900 hours, 04,06,2004. the girafe ironmonger pub.
"well this is it guys, the big one" said pasty. "yeah there must be at least 12 people out there" said alion peering round the curtains. "i hope we can remember everything we've practised" said essex boy. "i'm sure we'll be fine" said onion. "oh stop drinking fatbob" she said. "right lets get byork out there" said luke getting out his whip. (he had become their roady) "yes lets get on with it" said fatbob grabbing a crowbar. "are you sure thats humane, keeping her in there luke?" asked onion rather concerned. "yes of course it is" replied luke pulling off the lid of a 2foot square crate. so byork was pushed through the curtains, with her shackels still on her ankles. "ladies and gentlemen will you please welcome "the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers" and please get me a hacksaw!"
1315 hours, 05,06,2004. farmhouse.
"so debs you stunningly fit small person, have you sorted out your computer yet?" asked joe looking through his hire a clown brouchure. "well it seems ok at the moment, but i'm not very happy with it to be honest it seems to be all very sinister" replied debs looking baffled. "so can you still finish bidges book?" he asked. "well i think so, at least i have this new manual on solving virus's. and my next instalment of pc home programing" she answered flicking through. "oh well i'm sure we'll sort it out somehow"
"you mean i will, you don't know anything about this do you" said debs. "mm yeah thats right" replied joe. "now if you'll excuse me i have a shrew to teach the piano" "but you don't play the piano... oh whatever" meanwhile outside behind the dinosaur barn.
"trust me chief he's in perfect order, a bargain if you ask me" said wilko. "well tis a good good offer you show me sure, but dis very much money you ask" said barry smith stroking his chin. "i tell you what, if its all in bangers and mash. you can have him for £1100" said wilko. "come on man, i need some money, my children need heroin" "ok ok i'll take baartaur for dis price you ask, the zambian government will be very interested in him" said chief barry. "take care son, remember don't say anything about my probation" said wilko waving to baartaur.
Friday, 22 February 2002
CHAPTER 17 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. ITS ONE THING TO DITCH SOMEONE AT THE ALTER, BUT SURELY ITS WORSE TO SEND SOMEONE ALONG WHO LOOKS A LITTLE BIT
LIKE YOU
1800 hours, 13,05,2004. farmhouse, jules room.
so everyone went to see how jules was getting on. "hows it going jules?" asked joe analy. "not too bad not too bad, these special nozzles seem to disperse some sort of healing chemical" replied jules up to her elbows in fish. "what exactly is wrong with him?" asked pasty. "well its some sort of liver and lung condition. i think it may of come about due to the polution back in tollyhot river" answered reena stitching away happily. "well i think your doing very well, both of you" said joe, "i knew those nozzles would do the trick" he said. "how come you knew?" asked arthur suspiciously. "well i just had a feeling really" replied joe awkwardly. "mm" pondered arthur. "well lets get some horses bought" said onion to viki. "yes lets get to it, carlos, you coming to arrange some buying?" asked viki. "yes of course my dears, lets get to it" replied carlos, quite looking forward to showing off his horse knowledge
1015 hours, 14,05,2004. main situation chamber (living room)
"well bidge lets get this book online shall we" said debbie rubbing her hands together. "yes lets give it a go, i'll get the kettle on while you boot her up" said bidge heading for the kitchen. "yes i'll try my new updated publishing software" said debbie pulling out a disk from her pc bag. "well robyn shall we continue our research into the strange healing power of the nozzle" said alion finshing breakfast. "yes i think we shall" said robyn, rubbing savlon into her eyebrows. "how are the eyebrows after yesterday robyn?" asked emily rubbing her now quite enormous tummy!! "well their a bit scratched and bruised but not too bad thanks, i'm giving them a break from fatbob for a day or so" replied robyn. "oh good, i hoped you would" said emily. "hows the baby anyway?" asked catherine. "not bad thanks, a bit kicky at the moment though" so onion and viki (with carlos's help) were off buying horses. emma was checking over the working cattle. and the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers were having another band practice.
"fatbob do you have to keep shooting up while we practice" said pasty flamboyantly playing the guitar. "yes well wilko sells it so cheap.... so yes, yes i do" meanwhile debbie was having a lot of problems with her pc. "i just don't understand, it keeps coming up with errors, i think there's some sort of software bug. "well i hope it doesn't loose any important information" said bidge, checking over her book, while stirring a teapot vigouresly.
1200 hours, 14,05,2004. louises's room.
"well wendy, looks like we've lost again" said louise as energy cleared up at monopoly again. just then emma came trotting in.
"i'm afraid bonko the bull is very unwell" she said looking a bit worried. "oh well i better go have a look" said louise. "come on wendy" down at the cattle barn bonko looked very tired. "well lets have a look" said louise, getting out her stethoskope (apoligies to those "medical" people who will be annoyed by the spelling) "yes i think we will have to opperate imediately" agreed wendy.
meanwhile king steve was looking and feeling much better. he even got a visit from the village chief. "you wanna whiskey yes, mm good whiskey this be" said barry smiling and holding himself up by holding grimly onto the curtains. "yeah i'm ok thanks chief" replied steve, not quite ready for alcohol just yet! "oh i'll go for some though" said arthur strolling in, "mm sweet whiskey"
1314 hours, 14,05,2004. filberts barn.
"you know filberts quite a nice vegesaur when you get to know him" jess said to jeni, playing rock, paper, scissors with filbert.
"yeah he's not too bad a guy is he, i'm glad he stopped being a murderous killer" agreed jeni flicking through some useful notes on dinosaurs. "its all thanks to robyns eyebrows at the end of the day, i do hope their ok, i may send them some flowers" said jess.
"yes quite, very brave facial hairs they were" said jeni. "come on jess lets get bidge to make us some tea" so jess and jeni came to see how debs and bidge were doing. "hows it going debs, any luck yet?" asked jeni. "well it seems to be working now, i'm just spell checking it through" replied debbie, still not quite satisfied. "hey guys" said luke walking in. "have you seen some shackles anywhere around?" no not recently luke, why?" replied emily eating gherkin and honey sandwiches. "well byork keeps trying to escape, and next week we need her to come on the pilchard pokers zambian tour" "well will you let her go after that?" enquired emily. "er.......... no"
1800 hours, 13,05,2004. farmhouse, jules room.
so everyone went to see how jules was getting on. "hows it going jules?" asked joe analy. "not too bad not too bad, these special nozzles seem to disperse some sort of healing chemical" replied jules up to her elbows in fish. "what exactly is wrong with him?" asked pasty. "well its some sort of liver and lung condition. i think it may of come about due to the polution back in tollyhot river" answered reena stitching away happily. "well i think your doing very well, both of you" said joe, "i knew those nozzles would do the trick" he said. "how come you knew?" asked arthur suspiciously. "well i just had a feeling really" replied joe awkwardly. "mm" pondered arthur. "well lets get some horses bought" said onion to viki. "yes lets get to it, carlos, you coming to arrange some buying?" asked viki. "yes of course my dears, lets get to it" replied carlos, quite looking forward to showing off his horse knowledge
1015 hours, 14,05,2004. main situation chamber (living room)
"well bidge lets get this book online shall we" said debbie rubbing her hands together. "yes lets give it a go, i'll get the kettle on while you boot her up" said bidge heading for the kitchen. "yes i'll try my new updated publishing software" said debbie pulling out a disk from her pc bag. "well robyn shall we continue our research into the strange healing power of the nozzle" said alion finshing breakfast. "yes i think we shall" said robyn, rubbing savlon into her eyebrows. "how are the eyebrows after yesterday robyn?" asked emily rubbing her now quite enormous tummy!! "well their a bit scratched and bruised but not too bad thanks, i'm giving them a break from fatbob for a day or so" replied robyn. "oh good, i hoped you would" said emily. "hows the baby anyway?" asked catherine. "not bad thanks, a bit kicky at the moment though" so onion and viki (with carlos's help) were off buying horses. emma was checking over the working cattle. and the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers were having another band practice.
"fatbob do you have to keep shooting up while we practice" said pasty flamboyantly playing the guitar. "yes well wilko sells it so cheap.... so yes, yes i do" meanwhile debbie was having a lot of problems with her pc. "i just don't understand, it keeps coming up with errors, i think there's some sort of software bug. "well i hope it doesn't loose any important information" said bidge, checking over her book, while stirring a teapot vigouresly.
1200 hours, 14,05,2004. louises's room.
"well wendy, looks like we've lost again" said louise as energy cleared up at monopoly again. just then emma came trotting in.
"i'm afraid bonko the bull is very unwell" she said looking a bit worried. "oh well i better go have a look" said louise. "come on wendy" down at the cattle barn bonko looked very tired. "well lets have a look" said louise, getting out her stethoskope (apoligies to those "medical" people who will be annoyed by the spelling) "yes i think we will have to opperate imediately" agreed wendy.
meanwhile king steve was looking and feeling much better. he even got a visit from the village chief. "you wanna whiskey yes, mm good whiskey this be" said barry smiling and holding himself up by holding grimly onto the curtains. "yeah i'm ok thanks chief" replied steve, not quite ready for alcohol just yet! "oh i'll go for some though" said arthur strolling in, "mm sweet whiskey"
1314 hours, 14,05,2004. filberts barn.
"you know filberts quite a nice vegesaur when you get to know him" jess said to jeni, playing rock, paper, scissors with filbert.
"yeah he's not too bad a guy is he, i'm glad he stopped being a murderous killer" agreed jeni flicking through some useful notes on dinosaurs. "its all thanks to robyns eyebrows at the end of the day, i do hope their ok, i may send them some flowers" said jess.
"yes quite, very brave facial hairs they were" said jeni. "come on jess lets get bidge to make us some tea" so jess and jeni came to see how debs and bidge were doing. "hows it going debs, any luck yet?" asked jeni. "well it seems to be working now, i'm just spell checking it through" replied debbie, still not quite satisfied. "hey guys" said luke walking in. "have you seen some shackles anywhere around?" no not recently luke, why?" replied emily eating gherkin and honey sandwiches. "well byork keeps trying to escape, and next week we need her to come on the pilchard pokers zambian tour" "well will you let her go after that?" enquired emily. "er.......... no"
Tuesday, 12 February 2002
CHAPTER 16 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. WHAT A BUSY DAY!! I'D RATHER JUST HAVE A PINT!
chapter 16
dino of death!
1000 hours, 13,05,2004. nozzle barn.
as if by magic hundreds of fish geezers came pouring out of the surounding woods!! "right lets sort these baboons" said mondu, leading the rabble. "so wheres fondu?" shouted arthur over the din of baboons chattering. "i'm afraid he died last year of a gill infection" replied a small butterflyfish, charging through the barn doors! so all the fish people went piling into the barn and began to club the baboons to death!! "joe why are they called fish people, when they are blatently just fish" asked pasty. "well i don't know to be honest paste my friend." replied joe, peering through the window. "well they do hover and breath air" added debbie. "yes but we don't hover debs" said suz holding onto bigmore. "yeah you just stay there sweet mumma" said bigmore, slyly buying heroin off wilko. so what came to be known as the great battle of fish people and baboons went on, and all but the mightiest warriors fell. and lo! the battle ended and the fish people were triumphant. "oh steve you big carp, how can we ever repay you?" asked joe in an important voice. "well jules can make me better, as she promised" replied steve. "why of course i will try" said jules heaving baboons onto a big fire. "good let it begin" said steve.
1325 hours, 13,05,2004. dinosaur storage barn.
so as jules, and reena with her amazing yet sometimes unorthodox surgical know-how began their work on steve the king carp.
jess and jeni went back to the barn to see jeni's dinosaur. "i think i will call him filbert" said jeni staring up at him. "sounds very apt for a dinosaur" jess said agreeingly. "is that a nozzle plant growing out of his eye" said luke walking in mysteriously. "what do you mean luke?" asked jess. "look, up there he has something green growing out of his eyes" said luke again. "what are you doing here anyway?" asked jeni."well i came to get some fish heads for byork actually" said luke, "shes started demanding food, i mean i ask you" "yes luke ok, you just look after poor old byork" said jess. but as jeni and jess began to beat luke playfully with a tube of cheese and chive pringles. filbert slowly began to turn his head, his eyes began glowing bright nozzle green. "er jess....." what luke?" asked jess. "the..the... dinosaur!!" said luke running out the barn door. "oh dear" said jeni shaking. filbert began to pull its arms and legs off its chains! and came crashing towards jess and jeni! "shit were in for it now" said jeni quaking in her stout plimsoles. "what the hell is going on here" said matt. (who was out for a run) "i'm afraid filberts gone quite mad" said jess loading her gun. "i'll say, maybe it likes sultanas" said matt jossling in his bag. "this is no time for novelty snacks man" said jess. "yet get a grip you fool" said jeni smacking him with the back of her hand. but just then filbert leaned down, and snatched matt straight of the floor!! "right theres nothing for it" said jess firing her gun empty. "lets run for it, we have to get joe" so as jeni and jess ran from the barn and matts blood came raining down apon their haeds. tom came bounding down the track. "luke told me what was happening, what the hell did you water it with?" he said panting. "just do something tom" replied jess. "yes help us tom, we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" agreed jeni. "well i could try using my amazing mokason power" said tom pondering. "yes but we may need something that actually works" said jeni. just then robyns eyebrows came steaming up behind tom. "never fear for eyebrow power is here" said the eyebrows storming into the barn. "wow is there anything those eyebrows can't do" said suz walking up. "i guess not" said tom slipping on a fresh pair of mokasons. so with much howling and moaning filbert was subdued and robyns eyebrows were triumphant once again. "well what a day" said jess, wiping matts blood of her top. "yes i guess we see how filbert is" said jeni cautiously strolling into the barn. inside robyns eyebrows and filbert were shooting up and having a fag. both looking rather knackered! "i do apologise jeni, my behaviour was totally out of order" said filbert. "that ok filbert, but i don't understand how your alive let alone a athlete killing maniac" replied jeni. "never mind everybody. lets all get a kebab" said joe waltzing in, like some sort of showbiz queer.
1400 hours, 13,15,2004. kebab shop.
"well everyone, what an eventfull day its been" said ellie, sitting on cracknels knee. "yes but i'm afraid we can't afford to do everything we were going to, at the moment" said joe downing a guiness extra cold. "due to the unforeseen baboon unpleasentness, we can only finance the stud farm, onion i comission you to take comand on this matter" he said thinking hard. "with great vigour i will" replied onion. "well i reckon i can do all the publishing on bidges book, on my pc now" said debbie. "oh i do hope so" said bidge. "that renminds me, on a totally diferant matter" said energy. "hows jules and reena doing with king steve?" "i don't know actually, there the only people not here" said anna, taming a talking lion with nothing but a bread stick and teaching it to play chess aswell! "well i guess we should go see where those fish people got to" said joe getting up. "wow! your getting up, look everyone joes moving!, tell the papers" said ellie smirking. "yes anyway, matt2 why are you wearing le'coste trainers a nike baseball cap, and a thick gold bracelet, while driving a high backed transit van?" asked alion inquireingly. "because i'm essex boy" replied matt simply. "oh well that clears that up then" said alion. "to the fish people!"
dino of death!
1000 hours, 13,05,2004. nozzle barn.
as if by magic hundreds of fish geezers came pouring out of the surounding woods!! "right lets sort these baboons" said mondu, leading the rabble. "so wheres fondu?" shouted arthur over the din of baboons chattering. "i'm afraid he died last year of a gill infection" replied a small butterflyfish, charging through the barn doors! so all the fish people went piling into the barn and began to club the baboons to death!! "joe why are they called fish people, when they are blatently just fish" asked pasty. "well i don't know to be honest paste my friend." replied joe, peering through the window. "well they do hover and breath air" added debbie. "yes but we don't hover debs" said suz holding onto bigmore. "yeah you just stay there sweet mumma" said bigmore, slyly buying heroin off wilko. so what came to be known as the great battle of fish people and baboons went on, and all but the mightiest warriors fell. and lo! the battle ended and the fish people were triumphant. "oh steve you big carp, how can we ever repay you?" asked joe in an important voice. "well jules can make me better, as she promised" replied steve. "why of course i will try" said jules heaving baboons onto a big fire. "good let it begin" said steve.
1325 hours, 13,05,2004. dinosaur storage barn.
so as jules, and reena with her amazing yet sometimes unorthodox surgical know-how began their work on steve the king carp.
jess and jeni went back to the barn to see jeni's dinosaur. "i think i will call him filbert" said jeni staring up at him. "sounds very apt for a dinosaur" jess said agreeingly. "is that a nozzle plant growing out of his eye" said luke walking in mysteriously. "what do you mean luke?" asked jess. "look, up there he has something green growing out of his eyes" said luke again. "what are you doing here anyway?" asked jeni."well i came to get some fish heads for byork actually" said luke, "shes started demanding food, i mean i ask you" "yes luke ok, you just look after poor old byork" said jess. but as jeni and jess began to beat luke playfully with a tube of cheese and chive pringles. filbert slowly began to turn his head, his eyes began glowing bright nozzle green. "er jess....." what luke?" asked jess. "the..the... dinosaur!!" said luke running out the barn door. "oh dear" said jeni shaking. filbert began to pull its arms and legs off its chains! and came crashing towards jess and jeni! "shit were in for it now" said jeni quaking in her stout plimsoles. "what the hell is going on here" said matt. (who was out for a run) "i'm afraid filberts gone quite mad" said jess loading her gun. "i'll say, maybe it likes sultanas" said matt jossling in his bag. "this is no time for novelty snacks man" said jess. "yet get a grip you fool" said jeni smacking him with the back of her hand. but just then filbert leaned down, and snatched matt straight of the floor!! "right theres nothing for it" said jess firing her gun empty. "lets run for it, we have to get joe" so as jeni and jess ran from the barn and matts blood came raining down apon their haeds. tom came bounding down the track. "luke told me what was happening, what the hell did you water it with?" he said panting. "just do something tom" replied jess. "yes help us tom, we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" agreed jeni. "well i could try using my amazing mokason power" said tom pondering. "yes but we may need something that actually works" said jeni. just then robyns eyebrows came steaming up behind tom. "never fear for eyebrow power is here" said the eyebrows storming into the barn. "wow is there anything those eyebrows can't do" said suz walking up. "i guess not" said tom slipping on a fresh pair of mokasons. so with much howling and moaning filbert was subdued and robyns eyebrows were triumphant once again. "well what a day" said jess, wiping matts blood of her top. "yes i guess we see how filbert is" said jeni cautiously strolling into the barn. inside robyns eyebrows and filbert were shooting up and having a fag. both looking rather knackered! "i do apologise jeni, my behaviour was totally out of order" said filbert. "that ok filbert, but i don't understand how your alive let alone a athlete killing maniac" replied jeni. "never mind everybody. lets all get a kebab" said joe waltzing in, like some sort of showbiz queer.
1400 hours, 13,15,2004. kebab shop.
"well everyone, what an eventfull day its been" said ellie, sitting on cracknels knee. "yes but i'm afraid we can't afford to do everything we were going to, at the moment" said joe downing a guiness extra cold. "due to the unforeseen baboon unpleasentness, we can only finance the stud farm, onion i comission you to take comand on this matter" he said thinking hard. "with great vigour i will" replied onion. "well i reckon i can do all the publishing on bidges book, on my pc now" said debbie. "oh i do hope so" said bidge. "that renminds me, on a totally diferant matter" said energy. "hows jules and reena doing with king steve?" "i don't know actually, there the only people not here" said anna, taming a talking lion with nothing but a bread stick and teaching it to play chess aswell! "well i guess we should go see where those fish people got to" said joe getting up. "wow! your getting up, look everyone joes moving!, tell the papers" said ellie smirking. "yes anyway, matt2 why are you wearing le'coste trainers a nike baseball cap, and a thick gold bracelet, while driving a high backed transit van?" asked alion inquireingly. "because i'm essex boy" replied matt simply. "oh well that clears that up then" said alion. "to the fish people!"
Friday, 1 February 2002
CHAPTER 15 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. POKERS REVIEW
1800 hours, 11,05,2004. mug and nonce
so everyone gathered at the mug and nonce. and julia p fell down the backstage stairs! and broke her wrist. "oh come along julia" said viki exasperated. "viki?" asked julia p, picking herself up. "do i actually have a purpose in this story or does joe just not know how to write good storys?" i think he's just trying to think of one mate" replied viki buying yet another pint of carling, "oh right fair enough" said julia p purchasing a baileys. "right onion" said fatbob quickly scofffing a kebab, "you get your drumkit out of the van, i'll just get the amps, pasty! wheres that lead" "coming coming" replied pasty stuffing "oboe monthly" down his trousers and coming out of the toilet. "onion" said fatbob lighting up, "why are you wearing nothing but a bikini and a serong?" "o i thought you might like it" replied onion winking. "who's the daddy now!!" said fatbob puffing hard. so everyone got set up, alion broke her stool and had to stand for the whole gig! matt was blinding on his guitar, pasty stole the show with his 11 minute acoustic melody, and fatbob just tried to relive the sixties playing hits from the kinks and pink floyd. "ok guys were gonna take a brake now" said pasty after half an hour or so, so everyone went to bar, arthur bought guiness number 9! suzanne had tried every shot and chaser for sale. and fatbob was buying julia p another bicardi. "go on julia have another it is a wednesday" said fatbob flashing his rolls of fiftys. "where do you get so much money bob?" asked matt playing with his goatee. "oh just working very hard" replied fatbob. "you've never worked a day in your life" said luke lighting pound cions inside a pint glass. "when i was a lad i had to get up 4 hours before i went to bed, work all day in the mines for 27 hours, come home, which was a paper bag on the m1 and then my dad would beat me with with a iron bar!" he said. "calm down luke, you know none of that is true" said tom, trying to remember what jess's vodka orange lemon soda pineapple white wine white snake and black spritzer contained. "i'm sorry, i don't know what your talking about tom" said ellie totally confused behind the bar. "so the evening drew to a close and nigh the nazgual flew over the plains of the pellonair, and fell it was a cold night to whence shadowfaw rode bade to high lands beyond the calls of man nore elves....."
"joe please don't take any offense, but why are you talking such complete and utter bollocks?" asked wendy. "sorry just got carried away" answered joe anally. "come on wendy" said emma, "lets go before things turn ugly" and as energy started throwing chairs around, and bidge began to tip ashtrays all over the floor. everyone began to agree. "wells been a good evening everyone" said joe in an important voice. "apart from bidge and energys appauling behaviour, lets go home and playt some games"
0730 hours, 13,05,2004. breakfast room.
"morning joe" said bidge walking down the stairs, "cup of tea?" "thats very kind of you bidge, yes please. you don't often offer me tea nowadays" replied joe reading his "kinky clown 2002 annual" "well sinse i've found my new talent of writng and drawing i don't time to run around making tea" replied bidge sadly brewing away. "yes sad isn't really" "i guess so" added bidge.
"morning bidge" said debbie jumping down the stairs in her penguin pyjamas. "morning debs" replied bidge. "well i hope everyone else gets up soon, i have to announce our profits for the year" said joe eating another slice of toast. "and we have to sort our nozzles out in the barn" said alion running down the stairs. "yes very true ali" answered joe. so when everyone had gathered and had a suitably large breakfast, especially arthur and fatbob. joe stood on the back of a juvenile warthog to make his announcements. "well people, generally there is very good news. we have enough money for bidge to publish her book, and enough for viki and onion to start their stud farm, and carlos has said he knows some very good horse dealers" said joe nearlry falling off his warthog with all the excitement. "well thats brilliant" said bogmore, we can all buy fast cars then" "erm not quite bigmore, we still need a lot of research into the special nozzle" joe reminded everyone.
0945 hours, 13,05,2004. outside main nozzle storage barn.
"well lets have a final count people, then we can devide the nozzles into what we're keeping and what we're going to sell, which with all these projects is going to be most of them i'm afraid" said joe unlocking all the padlocks. "ar what! i need my nozzle splifs man" said jules looking desperate. "i know jules, we all need our splifs" said anna, comfortingly while simultaneously juggling flaming torches, playing the piano, riding a rhino and playing the mouth organ!! "wow that girl gets more interesting every day" commented becca stroking the rhino. "right we're in" said joe swinging wide the doors. "oh my goodness" said reena fainting.
the whole barn was full of mad chattering babboons!! "oh no the've eaten all the nozzles" said jess reduced to tears, "but their so sweet!!" added debbie, look at their little faces!!" "debbie this is no time for squinting" said louise, "we have to kill them all now"
"i agree with louise, but how" said reena recovering somewhat from her fall. "we need some sort of outside help" said alion lighting her pipe. "like the fish kind" "steve!! your here" said jules in amazment. "yes i have come for my nozzle treatment, but it looks like you need more help than me" answered steve a bit out of breath, "this atmosphere is not too good for my lungs" "how do you survive without water steve?" asked louise, opening her notebook. "well we don't need it, where we come from originally" "shoosh" snapped joe, "oops" said steve, everyone looked bewildered. "anyway lets sort these baboons out" said steve. "mondu! bring forth the masses!"
so everyone gathered at the mug and nonce. and julia p fell down the backstage stairs! and broke her wrist. "oh come along julia" said viki exasperated. "viki?" asked julia p, picking herself up. "do i actually have a purpose in this story or does joe just not know how to write good storys?" i think he's just trying to think of one mate" replied viki buying yet another pint of carling, "oh right fair enough" said julia p purchasing a baileys. "right onion" said fatbob quickly scofffing a kebab, "you get your drumkit out of the van, i'll just get the amps, pasty! wheres that lead" "coming coming" replied pasty stuffing "oboe monthly" down his trousers and coming out of the toilet. "onion" said fatbob lighting up, "why are you wearing nothing but a bikini and a serong?" "o i thought you might like it" replied onion winking. "who's the daddy now!!" said fatbob puffing hard. so everyone got set up, alion broke her stool and had to stand for the whole gig! matt was blinding on his guitar, pasty stole the show with his 11 minute acoustic melody, and fatbob just tried to relive the sixties playing hits from the kinks and pink floyd. "ok guys were gonna take a brake now" said pasty after half an hour or so, so everyone went to bar, arthur bought guiness number 9! suzanne had tried every shot and chaser for sale. and fatbob was buying julia p another bicardi. "go on julia have another it is a wednesday" said fatbob flashing his rolls of fiftys. "where do you get so much money bob?" asked matt playing with his goatee. "oh just working very hard" replied fatbob. "you've never worked a day in your life" said luke lighting pound cions inside a pint glass. "when i was a lad i had to get up 4 hours before i went to bed, work all day in the mines for 27 hours, come home, which was a paper bag on the m1 and then my dad would beat me with with a iron bar!" he said. "calm down luke, you know none of that is true" said tom, trying to remember what jess's vodka orange lemon soda pineapple white wine white snake and black spritzer contained. "i'm sorry, i don't know what your talking about tom" said ellie totally confused behind the bar. "so the evening drew to a close and nigh the nazgual flew over the plains of the pellonair, and fell it was a cold night to whence shadowfaw rode bade to high lands beyond the calls of man nore elves....."
"joe please don't take any offense, but why are you talking such complete and utter bollocks?" asked wendy. "sorry just got carried away" answered joe anally. "come on wendy" said emma, "lets go before things turn ugly" and as energy started throwing chairs around, and bidge began to tip ashtrays all over the floor. everyone began to agree. "wells been a good evening everyone" said joe in an important voice. "apart from bidge and energys appauling behaviour, lets go home and playt some games"
0730 hours, 13,05,2004. breakfast room.
"morning joe" said bidge walking down the stairs, "cup of tea?" "thats very kind of you bidge, yes please. you don't often offer me tea nowadays" replied joe reading his "kinky clown 2002 annual" "well sinse i've found my new talent of writng and drawing i don't time to run around making tea" replied bidge sadly brewing away. "yes sad isn't really" "i guess so" added bidge.
"morning bidge" said debbie jumping down the stairs in her penguin pyjamas. "morning debs" replied bidge. "well i hope everyone else gets up soon, i have to announce our profits for the year" said joe eating another slice of toast. "and we have to sort our nozzles out in the barn" said alion running down the stairs. "yes very true ali" answered joe. so when everyone had gathered and had a suitably large breakfast, especially arthur and fatbob. joe stood on the back of a juvenile warthog to make his announcements. "well people, generally there is very good news. we have enough money for bidge to publish her book, and enough for viki and onion to start their stud farm, and carlos has said he knows some very good horse dealers" said joe nearlry falling off his warthog with all the excitement. "well thats brilliant" said bogmore, we can all buy fast cars then" "erm not quite bigmore, we still need a lot of research into the special nozzle" joe reminded everyone.
0945 hours, 13,05,2004. outside main nozzle storage barn.
"well lets have a final count people, then we can devide the nozzles into what we're keeping and what we're going to sell, which with all these projects is going to be most of them i'm afraid" said joe unlocking all the padlocks. "ar what! i need my nozzle splifs man" said jules looking desperate. "i know jules, we all need our splifs" said anna, comfortingly while simultaneously juggling flaming torches, playing the piano, riding a rhino and playing the mouth organ!! "wow that girl gets more interesting every day" commented becca stroking the rhino. "right we're in" said joe swinging wide the doors. "oh my goodness" said reena fainting.
the whole barn was full of mad chattering babboons!! "oh no the've eaten all the nozzles" said jess reduced to tears, "but their so sweet!!" added debbie, look at their little faces!!" "debbie this is no time for squinting" said louise, "we have to kill them all now"
"i agree with louise, but how" said reena recovering somewhat from her fall. "we need some sort of outside help" said alion lighting her pipe. "like the fish kind" "steve!! your here" said jules in amazment. "yes i have come for my nozzle treatment, but it looks like you need more help than me" answered steve a bit out of breath, "this atmosphere is not too good for my lungs" "how do you survive without water steve?" asked louise, opening her notebook. "well we don't need it, where we come from originally" "shoosh" snapped joe, "oops" said steve, everyone looked bewildered. "anyway lets sort these baboons out" said steve. "mondu! bring forth the masses!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)