LIKE YOU
1800 hours, 13,05,2004. farmhouse, jules room.
so everyone went to see how jules was getting on. "hows it going jules?" asked joe analy. "not too bad not too bad, these special nozzles seem to disperse some sort of healing chemical" replied jules up to her elbows in fish. "what exactly is wrong with him?" asked pasty. "well its some sort of liver and lung condition. i think it may of come about due to the polution back in tollyhot river" answered reena stitching away happily. "well i think your doing very well, both of you" said joe, "i knew those nozzles would do the trick" he said. "how come you knew?" asked arthur suspiciously. "well i just had a feeling really" replied joe awkwardly. "mm" pondered arthur. "well lets get some horses bought" said onion to viki. "yes lets get to it, carlos, you coming to arrange some buying?" asked viki. "yes of course my dears, lets get to it" replied carlos, quite looking forward to showing off his horse knowledge
1015 hours, 14,05,2004. main situation chamber (living room)
"well bidge lets get this book online shall we" said debbie rubbing her hands together. "yes lets give it a go, i'll get the kettle on while you boot her up" said bidge heading for the kitchen. "yes i'll try my new updated publishing software" said debbie pulling out a disk from her pc bag. "well robyn shall we continue our research into the strange healing power of the nozzle" said alion finshing breakfast. "yes i think we shall" said robyn, rubbing savlon into her eyebrows. "how are the eyebrows after yesterday robyn?" asked emily rubbing her now quite enormous tummy!! "well their a bit scratched and bruised but not too bad thanks, i'm giving them a break from fatbob for a day or so" replied robyn. "oh good, i hoped you would" said emily. "hows the baby anyway?" asked catherine. "not bad thanks, a bit kicky at the moment though" so onion and viki (with carlos's help) were off buying horses. emma was checking over the working cattle. and the last stand of fuckwit and the pilchard pokers were having another band practice.
"fatbob do you have to keep shooting up while we practice" said pasty flamboyantly playing the guitar. "yes well wilko sells it so cheap.... so yes, yes i do" meanwhile debbie was having a lot of problems with her pc. "i just don't understand, it keeps coming up with errors, i think there's some sort of software bug. "well i hope it doesn't loose any important information" said bidge, checking over her book, while stirring a teapot vigouresly.
1200 hours, 14,05,2004. louises's room.
"well wendy, looks like we've lost again" said louise as energy cleared up at monopoly again. just then emma came trotting in.
"i'm afraid bonko the bull is very unwell" she said looking a bit worried. "oh well i better go have a look" said louise. "come on wendy" down at the cattle barn bonko looked very tired. "well lets have a look" said louise, getting out her stethoskope (apoligies to those "medical" people who will be annoyed by the spelling) "yes i think we will have to opperate imediately" agreed wendy.
meanwhile king steve was looking and feeling much better. he even got a visit from the village chief. "you wanna whiskey yes, mm good whiskey this be" said barry smiling and holding himself up by holding grimly onto the curtains. "yeah i'm ok thanks chief" replied steve, not quite ready for alcohol just yet! "oh i'll go for some though" said arthur strolling in, "mm sweet whiskey"
1314 hours, 14,05,2004. filberts barn.
"you know filberts quite a nice vegesaur when you get to know him" jess said to jeni, playing rock, paper, scissors with filbert.
"yeah he's not too bad a guy is he, i'm glad he stopped being a murderous killer" agreed jeni flicking through some useful notes on dinosaurs. "its all thanks to robyns eyebrows at the end of the day, i do hope their ok, i may send them some flowers" said jess.
"yes quite, very brave facial hairs they were" said jeni. "come on jess lets get bidge to make us some tea" so jess and jeni came to see how debs and bidge were doing. "hows it going debs, any luck yet?" asked jeni. "well it seems to be working now, i'm just spell checking it through" replied debbie, still not quite satisfied. "hey guys" said luke walking in. "have you seen some shackles anywhere around?" no not recently luke, why?" replied emily eating gherkin and honey sandwiches. "well byork keeps trying to escape, and next week we need her to come on the pilchard pokers zambian tour" "well will you let her go after that?" enquired emily. "er.......... no"
Friday, 22 February 2002
Tuesday, 12 February 2002
CHAPTER 16 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. WHAT A BUSY DAY!! I'D RATHER JUST HAVE A PINT!
chapter 16
dino of death!
1000 hours, 13,05,2004. nozzle barn.
as if by magic hundreds of fish geezers came pouring out of the surounding woods!! "right lets sort these baboons" said mondu, leading the rabble. "so wheres fondu?" shouted arthur over the din of baboons chattering. "i'm afraid he died last year of a gill infection" replied a small butterflyfish, charging through the barn doors! so all the fish people went piling into the barn and began to club the baboons to death!! "joe why are they called fish people, when they are blatently just fish" asked pasty. "well i don't know to be honest paste my friend." replied joe, peering through the window. "well they do hover and breath air" added debbie. "yes but we don't hover debs" said suz holding onto bigmore. "yeah you just stay there sweet mumma" said bigmore, slyly buying heroin off wilko. so what came to be known as the great battle of fish people and baboons went on, and all but the mightiest warriors fell. and lo! the battle ended and the fish people were triumphant. "oh steve you big carp, how can we ever repay you?" asked joe in an important voice. "well jules can make me better, as she promised" replied steve. "why of course i will try" said jules heaving baboons onto a big fire. "good let it begin" said steve.
1325 hours, 13,05,2004. dinosaur storage barn.
so as jules, and reena with her amazing yet sometimes unorthodox surgical know-how began their work on steve the king carp.
jess and jeni went back to the barn to see jeni's dinosaur. "i think i will call him filbert" said jeni staring up at him. "sounds very apt for a dinosaur" jess said agreeingly. "is that a nozzle plant growing out of his eye" said luke walking in mysteriously. "what do you mean luke?" asked jess. "look, up there he has something green growing out of his eyes" said luke again. "what are you doing here anyway?" asked jeni."well i came to get some fish heads for byork actually" said luke, "shes started demanding food, i mean i ask you" "yes luke ok, you just look after poor old byork" said jess. but as jeni and jess began to beat luke playfully with a tube of cheese and chive pringles. filbert slowly began to turn his head, his eyes began glowing bright nozzle green. "er jess....." what luke?" asked jess. "the..the... dinosaur!!" said luke running out the barn door. "oh dear" said jeni shaking. filbert began to pull its arms and legs off its chains! and came crashing towards jess and jeni! "shit were in for it now" said jeni quaking in her stout plimsoles. "what the hell is going on here" said matt. (who was out for a run) "i'm afraid filberts gone quite mad" said jess loading her gun. "i'll say, maybe it likes sultanas" said matt jossling in his bag. "this is no time for novelty snacks man" said jess. "yet get a grip you fool" said jeni smacking him with the back of her hand. but just then filbert leaned down, and snatched matt straight of the floor!! "right theres nothing for it" said jess firing her gun empty. "lets run for it, we have to get joe" so as jeni and jess ran from the barn and matts blood came raining down apon their haeds. tom came bounding down the track. "luke told me what was happening, what the hell did you water it with?" he said panting. "just do something tom" replied jess. "yes help us tom, we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" agreed jeni. "well i could try using my amazing mokason power" said tom pondering. "yes but we may need something that actually works" said jeni. just then robyns eyebrows came steaming up behind tom. "never fear for eyebrow power is here" said the eyebrows storming into the barn. "wow is there anything those eyebrows can't do" said suz walking up. "i guess not" said tom slipping on a fresh pair of mokasons. so with much howling and moaning filbert was subdued and robyns eyebrows were triumphant once again. "well what a day" said jess, wiping matts blood of her top. "yes i guess we see how filbert is" said jeni cautiously strolling into the barn. inside robyns eyebrows and filbert were shooting up and having a fag. both looking rather knackered! "i do apologise jeni, my behaviour was totally out of order" said filbert. "that ok filbert, but i don't understand how your alive let alone a athlete killing maniac" replied jeni. "never mind everybody. lets all get a kebab" said joe waltzing in, like some sort of showbiz queer.
1400 hours, 13,15,2004. kebab shop.
"well everyone, what an eventfull day its been" said ellie, sitting on cracknels knee. "yes but i'm afraid we can't afford to do everything we were going to, at the moment" said joe downing a guiness extra cold. "due to the unforeseen baboon unpleasentness, we can only finance the stud farm, onion i comission you to take comand on this matter" he said thinking hard. "with great vigour i will" replied onion. "well i reckon i can do all the publishing on bidges book, on my pc now" said debbie. "oh i do hope so" said bidge. "that renminds me, on a totally diferant matter" said energy. "hows jules and reena doing with king steve?" "i don't know actually, there the only people not here" said anna, taming a talking lion with nothing but a bread stick and teaching it to play chess aswell! "well i guess we should go see where those fish people got to" said joe getting up. "wow! your getting up, look everyone joes moving!, tell the papers" said ellie smirking. "yes anyway, matt2 why are you wearing le'coste trainers a nike baseball cap, and a thick gold bracelet, while driving a high backed transit van?" asked alion inquireingly. "because i'm essex boy" replied matt simply. "oh well that clears that up then" said alion. "to the fish people!"
dino of death!
1000 hours, 13,05,2004. nozzle barn.
as if by magic hundreds of fish geezers came pouring out of the surounding woods!! "right lets sort these baboons" said mondu, leading the rabble. "so wheres fondu?" shouted arthur over the din of baboons chattering. "i'm afraid he died last year of a gill infection" replied a small butterflyfish, charging through the barn doors! so all the fish people went piling into the barn and began to club the baboons to death!! "joe why are they called fish people, when they are blatently just fish" asked pasty. "well i don't know to be honest paste my friend." replied joe, peering through the window. "well they do hover and breath air" added debbie. "yes but we don't hover debs" said suz holding onto bigmore. "yeah you just stay there sweet mumma" said bigmore, slyly buying heroin off wilko. so what came to be known as the great battle of fish people and baboons went on, and all but the mightiest warriors fell. and lo! the battle ended and the fish people were triumphant. "oh steve you big carp, how can we ever repay you?" asked joe in an important voice. "well jules can make me better, as she promised" replied steve. "why of course i will try" said jules heaving baboons onto a big fire. "good let it begin" said steve.
1325 hours, 13,05,2004. dinosaur storage barn.
so as jules, and reena with her amazing yet sometimes unorthodox surgical know-how began their work on steve the king carp.
jess and jeni went back to the barn to see jeni's dinosaur. "i think i will call him filbert" said jeni staring up at him. "sounds very apt for a dinosaur" jess said agreeingly. "is that a nozzle plant growing out of his eye" said luke walking in mysteriously. "what do you mean luke?" asked jess. "look, up there he has something green growing out of his eyes" said luke again. "what are you doing here anyway?" asked jeni."well i came to get some fish heads for byork actually" said luke, "shes started demanding food, i mean i ask you" "yes luke ok, you just look after poor old byork" said jess. but as jeni and jess began to beat luke playfully with a tube of cheese and chive pringles. filbert slowly began to turn his head, his eyes began glowing bright nozzle green. "er jess....." what luke?" asked jess. "the..the... dinosaur!!" said luke running out the barn door. "oh dear" said jeni shaking. filbert began to pull its arms and legs off its chains! and came crashing towards jess and jeni! "shit were in for it now" said jeni quaking in her stout plimsoles. "what the hell is going on here" said matt. (who was out for a run) "i'm afraid filberts gone quite mad" said jess loading her gun. "i'll say, maybe it likes sultanas" said matt jossling in his bag. "this is no time for novelty snacks man" said jess. "yet get a grip you fool" said jeni smacking him with the back of her hand. but just then filbert leaned down, and snatched matt straight of the floor!! "right theres nothing for it" said jess firing her gun empty. "lets run for it, we have to get joe" so as jeni and jess ran from the barn and matts blood came raining down apon their haeds. tom came bounding down the track. "luke told me what was happening, what the hell did you water it with?" he said panting. "just do something tom" replied jess. "yes help us tom, we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" agreed jeni. "well i could try using my amazing mokason power" said tom pondering. "yes but we may need something that actually works" said jeni. just then robyns eyebrows came steaming up behind tom. "never fear for eyebrow power is here" said the eyebrows storming into the barn. "wow is there anything those eyebrows can't do" said suz walking up. "i guess not" said tom slipping on a fresh pair of mokasons. so with much howling and moaning filbert was subdued and robyns eyebrows were triumphant once again. "well what a day" said jess, wiping matts blood of her top. "yes i guess we see how filbert is" said jeni cautiously strolling into the barn. inside robyns eyebrows and filbert were shooting up and having a fag. both looking rather knackered! "i do apologise jeni, my behaviour was totally out of order" said filbert. "that ok filbert, but i don't understand how your alive let alone a athlete killing maniac" replied jeni. "never mind everybody. lets all get a kebab" said joe waltzing in, like some sort of showbiz queer.
1400 hours, 13,15,2004. kebab shop.
"well everyone, what an eventfull day its been" said ellie, sitting on cracknels knee. "yes but i'm afraid we can't afford to do everything we were going to, at the moment" said joe downing a guiness extra cold. "due to the unforeseen baboon unpleasentness, we can only finance the stud farm, onion i comission you to take comand on this matter" he said thinking hard. "with great vigour i will" replied onion. "well i reckon i can do all the publishing on bidges book, on my pc now" said debbie. "oh i do hope so" said bidge. "that renminds me, on a totally diferant matter" said energy. "hows jules and reena doing with king steve?" "i don't know actually, there the only people not here" said anna, taming a talking lion with nothing but a bread stick and teaching it to play chess aswell! "well i guess we should go see where those fish people got to" said joe getting up. "wow! your getting up, look everyone joes moving!, tell the papers" said ellie smirking. "yes anyway, matt2 why are you wearing le'coste trainers a nike baseball cap, and a thick gold bracelet, while driving a high backed transit van?" asked alion inquireingly. "because i'm essex boy" replied matt simply. "oh well that clears that up then" said alion. "to the fish people!"
Friday, 1 February 2002
CHAPTER 15 FIELDS OF NOZZLES VOLUME 2. POKERS REVIEW
1800 hours, 11,05,2004. mug and nonce
so everyone gathered at the mug and nonce. and julia p fell down the backstage stairs! and broke her wrist. "oh come along julia" said viki exasperated. "viki?" asked julia p, picking herself up. "do i actually have a purpose in this story or does joe just not know how to write good storys?" i think he's just trying to think of one mate" replied viki buying yet another pint of carling, "oh right fair enough" said julia p purchasing a baileys. "right onion" said fatbob quickly scofffing a kebab, "you get your drumkit out of the van, i'll just get the amps, pasty! wheres that lead" "coming coming" replied pasty stuffing "oboe monthly" down his trousers and coming out of the toilet. "onion" said fatbob lighting up, "why are you wearing nothing but a bikini and a serong?" "o i thought you might like it" replied onion winking. "who's the daddy now!!" said fatbob puffing hard. so everyone got set up, alion broke her stool and had to stand for the whole gig! matt was blinding on his guitar, pasty stole the show with his 11 minute acoustic melody, and fatbob just tried to relive the sixties playing hits from the kinks and pink floyd. "ok guys were gonna take a brake now" said pasty after half an hour or so, so everyone went to bar, arthur bought guiness number 9! suzanne had tried every shot and chaser for sale. and fatbob was buying julia p another bicardi. "go on julia have another it is a wednesday" said fatbob flashing his rolls of fiftys. "where do you get so much money bob?" asked matt playing with his goatee. "oh just working very hard" replied fatbob. "you've never worked a day in your life" said luke lighting pound cions inside a pint glass. "when i was a lad i had to get up 4 hours before i went to bed, work all day in the mines for 27 hours, come home, which was a paper bag on the m1 and then my dad would beat me with with a iron bar!" he said. "calm down luke, you know none of that is true" said tom, trying to remember what jess's vodka orange lemon soda pineapple white wine white snake and black spritzer contained. "i'm sorry, i don't know what your talking about tom" said ellie totally confused behind the bar. "so the evening drew to a close and nigh the nazgual flew over the plains of the pellonair, and fell it was a cold night to whence shadowfaw rode bade to high lands beyond the calls of man nore elves....."
"joe please don't take any offense, but why are you talking such complete and utter bollocks?" asked wendy. "sorry just got carried away" answered joe anally. "come on wendy" said emma, "lets go before things turn ugly" and as energy started throwing chairs around, and bidge began to tip ashtrays all over the floor. everyone began to agree. "wells been a good evening everyone" said joe in an important voice. "apart from bidge and energys appauling behaviour, lets go home and playt some games"
0730 hours, 13,05,2004. breakfast room.
"morning joe" said bidge walking down the stairs, "cup of tea?" "thats very kind of you bidge, yes please. you don't often offer me tea nowadays" replied joe reading his "kinky clown 2002 annual" "well sinse i've found my new talent of writng and drawing i don't time to run around making tea" replied bidge sadly brewing away. "yes sad isn't really" "i guess so" added bidge.
"morning bidge" said debbie jumping down the stairs in her penguin pyjamas. "morning debs" replied bidge. "well i hope everyone else gets up soon, i have to announce our profits for the year" said joe eating another slice of toast. "and we have to sort our nozzles out in the barn" said alion running down the stairs. "yes very true ali" answered joe. so when everyone had gathered and had a suitably large breakfast, especially arthur and fatbob. joe stood on the back of a juvenile warthog to make his announcements. "well people, generally there is very good news. we have enough money for bidge to publish her book, and enough for viki and onion to start their stud farm, and carlos has said he knows some very good horse dealers" said joe nearlry falling off his warthog with all the excitement. "well thats brilliant" said bogmore, we can all buy fast cars then" "erm not quite bigmore, we still need a lot of research into the special nozzle" joe reminded everyone.
0945 hours, 13,05,2004. outside main nozzle storage barn.
"well lets have a final count people, then we can devide the nozzles into what we're keeping and what we're going to sell, which with all these projects is going to be most of them i'm afraid" said joe unlocking all the padlocks. "ar what! i need my nozzle splifs man" said jules looking desperate. "i know jules, we all need our splifs" said anna, comfortingly while simultaneously juggling flaming torches, playing the piano, riding a rhino and playing the mouth organ!! "wow that girl gets more interesting every day" commented becca stroking the rhino. "right we're in" said joe swinging wide the doors. "oh my goodness" said reena fainting.
the whole barn was full of mad chattering babboons!! "oh no the've eaten all the nozzles" said jess reduced to tears, "but their so sweet!!" added debbie, look at their little faces!!" "debbie this is no time for squinting" said louise, "we have to kill them all now"
"i agree with louise, but how" said reena recovering somewhat from her fall. "we need some sort of outside help" said alion lighting her pipe. "like the fish kind" "steve!! your here" said jules in amazment. "yes i have come for my nozzle treatment, but it looks like you need more help than me" answered steve a bit out of breath, "this atmosphere is not too good for my lungs" "how do you survive without water steve?" asked louise, opening her notebook. "well we don't need it, where we come from originally" "shoosh" snapped joe, "oops" said steve, everyone looked bewildered. "anyway lets sort these baboons out" said steve. "mondu! bring forth the masses!"
so everyone gathered at the mug and nonce. and julia p fell down the backstage stairs! and broke her wrist. "oh come along julia" said viki exasperated. "viki?" asked julia p, picking herself up. "do i actually have a purpose in this story or does joe just not know how to write good storys?" i think he's just trying to think of one mate" replied viki buying yet another pint of carling, "oh right fair enough" said julia p purchasing a baileys. "right onion" said fatbob quickly scofffing a kebab, "you get your drumkit out of the van, i'll just get the amps, pasty! wheres that lead" "coming coming" replied pasty stuffing "oboe monthly" down his trousers and coming out of the toilet. "onion" said fatbob lighting up, "why are you wearing nothing but a bikini and a serong?" "o i thought you might like it" replied onion winking. "who's the daddy now!!" said fatbob puffing hard. so everyone got set up, alion broke her stool and had to stand for the whole gig! matt was blinding on his guitar, pasty stole the show with his 11 minute acoustic melody, and fatbob just tried to relive the sixties playing hits from the kinks and pink floyd. "ok guys were gonna take a brake now" said pasty after half an hour or so, so everyone went to bar, arthur bought guiness number 9! suzanne had tried every shot and chaser for sale. and fatbob was buying julia p another bicardi. "go on julia have another it is a wednesday" said fatbob flashing his rolls of fiftys. "where do you get so much money bob?" asked matt playing with his goatee. "oh just working very hard" replied fatbob. "you've never worked a day in your life" said luke lighting pound cions inside a pint glass. "when i was a lad i had to get up 4 hours before i went to bed, work all day in the mines for 27 hours, come home, which was a paper bag on the m1 and then my dad would beat me with with a iron bar!" he said. "calm down luke, you know none of that is true" said tom, trying to remember what jess's vodka orange lemon soda pineapple white wine white snake and black spritzer contained. "i'm sorry, i don't know what your talking about tom" said ellie totally confused behind the bar. "so the evening drew to a close and nigh the nazgual flew over the plains of the pellonair, and fell it was a cold night to whence shadowfaw rode bade to high lands beyond the calls of man nore elves....."
"joe please don't take any offense, but why are you talking such complete and utter bollocks?" asked wendy. "sorry just got carried away" answered joe anally. "come on wendy" said emma, "lets go before things turn ugly" and as energy started throwing chairs around, and bidge began to tip ashtrays all over the floor. everyone began to agree. "wells been a good evening everyone" said joe in an important voice. "apart from bidge and energys appauling behaviour, lets go home and playt some games"
0730 hours, 13,05,2004. breakfast room.
"morning joe" said bidge walking down the stairs, "cup of tea?" "thats very kind of you bidge, yes please. you don't often offer me tea nowadays" replied joe reading his "kinky clown 2002 annual" "well sinse i've found my new talent of writng and drawing i don't time to run around making tea" replied bidge sadly brewing away. "yes sad isn't really" "i guess so" added bidge.
"morning bidge" said debbie jumping down the stairs in her penguin pyjamas. "morning debs" replied bidge. "well i hope everyone else gets up soon, i have to announce our profits for the year" said joe eating another slice of toast. "and we have to sort our nozzles out in the barn" said alion running down the stairs. "yes very true ali" answered joe. so when everyone had gathered and had a suitably large breakfast, especially arthur and fatbob. joe stood on the back of a juvenile warthog to make his announcements. "well people, generally there is very good news. we have enough money for bidge to publish her book, and enough for viki and onion to start their stud farm, and carlos has said he knows some very good horse dealers" said joe nearlry falling off his warthog with all the excitement. "well thats brilliant" said bogmore, we can all buy fast cars then" "erm not quite bigmore, we still need a lot of research into the special nozzle" joe reminded everyone.
0945 hours, 13,05,2004. outside main nozzle storage barn.
"well lets have a final count people, then we can devide the nozzles into what we're keeping and what we're going to sell, which with all these projects is going to be most of them i'm afraid" said joe unlocking all the padlocks. "ar what! i need my nozzle splifs man" said jules looking desperate. "i know jules, we all need our splifs" said anna, comfortingly while simultaneously juggling flaming torches, playing the piano, riding a rhino and playing the mouth organ!! "wow that girl gets more interesting every day" commented becca stroking the rhino. "right we're in" said joe swinging wide the doors. "oh my goodness" said reena fainting.
the whole barn was full of mad chattering babboons!! "oh no the've eaten all the nozzles" said jess reduced to tears, "but their so sweet!!" added debbie, look at their little faces!!" "debbie this is no time for squinting" said louise, "we have to kill them all now"
"i agree with louise, but how" said reena recovering somewhat from her fall. "we need some sort of outside help" said alion lighting her pipe. "like the fish kind" "steve!! your here" said jules in amazment. "yes i have come for my nozzle treatment, but it looks like you need more help than me" answered steve a bit out of breath, "this atmosphere is not too good for my lungs" "how do you survive without water steve?" asked louise, opening her notebook. "well we don't need it, where we come from originally" "shoosh" snapped joe, "oops" said steve, everyone looked bewildered. "anyway lets sort these baboons out" said steve. "mondu! bring forth the masses!"
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